I don't want to hurt people by dieing but no point if life does not change fast

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by randomguy9, Nov 14, 2010.

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  1. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    I have come to the painful realization that people feel closer to me then they really are. Apparently my feeling like shit has shown on my facebook and a friend took it upon herself to tell me "as a friend who is more like a sister" then try to encourage me, and remind me that things are almost over... ect ect. I am surprised I made that impression on her... I thought I was just a friend who doubled as an encyclopaedia for our team.

    There are the other more obvious things... my mother does not deserve to lose her son to suicide. Nor do my young relatives deserve to feel that pain. Other people who may thing I hold grudges against (I hold a grudge just not sure against who.. under there be it very stupid belief system then thought they were in the right) may blame themselves.

    with that said... I do not know how long I can live for others. My life is going nowhere... and whenever anyone makes a big step in life (wedding, graduation, getting a job ect) I want to lock myself in a dark room and cry in envy. I will soon probably be dropping out of college in shame... and do not think I can handle a job that does not have a good chance of upward motility.

    I have given up on marriage... children... close life long friends... I am now losing my grades that gave me reason to think that someday it would change. I am sick of running in circles...
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it must be very painful to not be heard or understood by your friends. i am glad you are hanging on for your mother, though. it would devastate her to lose you. what's happening in school that makes you think you will flunk out?
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Have you tried therapy or any treatments? This might be a good place to start.

    Changing your attitudes and expectations might help you a lot.

    There's no point in tormenting yourself over what others have that you don't have.

    Firstly, if they are happy, why begrudge them that? Just let them go and be happy.

    But secondly, why envy someone when what they have might turn out to be a misery. There are people who get married, but end up having horrible nightmare divorces, and wish they had never been married. I'm not saying that marriage is a bad thing, but why torment yourself over something that you might be better off without?

    Degrees and jobs not uncommonly lead people to lives that they hate. Why envy it? Again, I'm not saying these things are always bad, but sometimes they are.

    It might be helpful to think about some of the things that you have in life to be grateful for.

    I have the feeling that therapy would go a long way toward making you happier.
  4. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    Attitudes: That id dictated by circumstances... mine was better when I was not failing.

    I try not to... I really do. But anytime anything good happens to anyone it torments me knowing i will never have it.

    I wish I could... anytime anything good happens to anyone I fall into misery. I am a horrible friend to think that way... but I guess that is just a reflection of who I really am when I look deep.

    I have seen enough successful marriages to believe that if two good people who complement each other well and do not expect happily ever after and realize it will be hard at times to know that humans function better with a good marriage.

    If you find something you enjoy it helps... and even if you don't the money sure as hell does.

    IT does not outweigh my desire to die.

    Unless there is a therapy that could cure my brain and make me a genius... it is hopeless.
  5. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    So I tell my family to lay off since I am in a bad mood and they just laugh at me... I dont give a shit anymore... They dont care adn cant fix me.

    Farewell... and sorry to all here.
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hey randomguy....stay and keep talking...
    do your family understand you are depressed? can you tell them how bad you're feeling?
    If you think you're going to hurt yourself then get to a hospital, talk to a doctor, ring a crisis line. Just don't hurt yourself...
    Is there some way you can take a break from college ..defer or something till you feel better? I don't know anything about college..
    talk to your Mum..be honest...get her to help..she won't want to lose you
  7. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Attitude is not dictated by circumstances. It may be hard to have a positive attitude in difficult circumstances, but you seem more hopeless than you should be and too self-defeating.

    I agree that humans function better in a good marriage. However, many marriages are not good and lead to nightmare divorces. I'm not saying you shouldn't hope for a good marriage, but there is no reason to torment yourself about not being married when marriage is often enough a mistake.

    Doing something that you enjoy sounds nice. Money isn't always a bad thing. But there are indeed many, many miserable people with fancy jobs and fat incomes.

    I don't know if therapy and medical treatment would cure you or make you a genius, but it might keep you from being hopeless. It would also likely get you functioning at a higher level of energy, enough so that you wouldn't fail your classes.

    So maybe try getting some therapy and look into getting a medical incomplete on some of your classes?
  8. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    guess i owe it to you all to say i am alive... not sure I want to be but i am.
  9. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    it's good to hear that you're still around!

  10. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    sounds like they are really clueless

    maybe they have a pattern of not taking you seriously?
  11. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    They have a history of tunnel vision if that makes since. My mother blames it in my choice to leave her religion, my step father is in a similar boat and does not get me... my grandfather is under the impression everything will be fine because his facts are way off and is to old and his brain will not function reality that does not agree with it anymore...
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