I don't want to kill myself but I feel it's my only option

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fillername, Apr 1, 2014.

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  1. fillername

    fillername New Member

    I'm so miserable that I'm having trouble writing a proper explanation. I wrote a suicide note to my Grandmother, who I live with, which describes much of what I'm talking about. I'm changing the names in the note for identity purposes.

    <Mod Edit, WildCherry: suicide note>

    I also wrote a thread on how I felt after my gf broke up with me on reddit. I'm copying it here.

    I'm going add details and context to this.

    - I never had many friends. I've been alone most of my life. My Grandmother and I don't really get along. I live with her however and I felt I needed to leave some kind of note behind if I was killing myself.
    - At the moment I have literally no one. I have no friends and no family to turn to. I can't even go to therapy. The only family I have is my sister (who I don't talk to and don't like; she's fourteen and I haven't spoken to her in years), my aunt (who I don't get along with; we're seriously not close at all), my cousin (who's eleven so I obviously don't have a close connection with him), and my Grandmother (who I've explained I don't get along with). I have no health insurance and I don't have much money so I can't go to therapy. The free clinics around are too limited to depend on as well. So I literally have no one to help console me.
    - Abigail and I had been together for seven and a half months. We spent an obsessive amount of time with each other. I loved it. I barely had any any passions before I met her. I wanted to kill myself before. Now after she's broken up with me I have no passion or interest in anything. I have zero interest in anything. Everything I look at is disgusting to me.
    - Last Wed she and I got into a big fight. Fights weren't uncommon but I never thought anything of them. She broke up with me in the fight. The next day we 'reconciled'. But she was different. She was cold and distant. When I confronted her Friday she told me she wanted to break up. I later called her drunk and crying, saying I didn't want to lose her. She said we didn't have to break up but left because I was drunk. She never called back that night. She said it was because she fell asleep. The next day I asked her what I needed to change for our relationship to continue and she began telling me things. Then she asked for a break. She said we could go back to normal on tuesday. Those three days were horrible. I cried and I felt suicidal the entire time. What was keeping me slightly together was Abigail's promise to be with me starting tuesday. Today, on tuesday, I called her but she was irritable. She told me she wanted to break up. I asked her if she wanted to remain friends and she said yes but that at the moment she wanted to be alone. She said if she ever wanted a relationship again I would be her first choice. I obviously can't depend on that.

    Now you know. What do you recommend I do? I have nothing. I'm 21, I have no degree, a terrible resume, no friends, no dependable family, and now no girlfriend. Abigail was the only thing keeping me going.
  2. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    The first thing I would do is join a support group .The you wont be isolated and you will meet new people and make friends. Give your girlfriend some time and space.But you need a support network to develop a more social life then you wont be alone anymore. There are many many types of support groups,12 steps and many others.find one you think you could benefit from and try it. PLEASE never hurt yourself. you sound like a great person to me.PM me anytime and know I wish you the best. You are in my heart and prayers!!!!
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I would totally second all that Marty has said - do you have a Dad around, you didn't mention him...... it's tough feeling like you're totally alone, but you are not alone on SF - you can write anything here and be totally accepted and heard and supported :)
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