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I don't want to kill myself...but I know I will.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Young suicider, Dec 27, 2011.

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  1. Young suicider

    Young suicider Well-Known Member

    I don't want to die or kill myself. But to much harm has already been. To much to fix...a little cut has turned into a massive hole. It isn't that I want to do it, but as I look deep into my future all I see is a unfortunate ending.

    It used to be just a little problem that I kept a secret. Over time though it turned into something more serious. I went with to who I thought was my only hope I was ever going to have. The only person I could EVER tell how I felt. I knew that if it didn't go well there was no way I would ever tell another person what I was going through. I put it all on the line just to have my worst nightmare come true. That person didn't take me seriously. It's pretty difficult when you plead for the closest person you have ever been to, to help you and just to see them say they understand...but in reality they brush it off by the next morning. That person was so confused when I suddenly just cut ties and stopped talking to them. I couldn't even look at them anymore. It was embarassing and just sad that if I brought it up with that person again they probably never remember the conversation...a phone call I remember word for word...

    Two years later I sit here still knowing that was my only chance at being saved from my downfall. I have never gotten close to telling someone how I felt after that. There have been a couple people over the years that have asked if everything was ok and I had to say " I'm fine". The hole only gets bigger and the likelyhood of me telling someone has basically hit zero. I know my only chance is if I would tell someone again, but it is harder than it seems. After putting everything on the line just to be brushed off by the closest person you have is devastating.

    It eventually going to be to much to handle and I'm going to have to end it. Not because I want to, but I have to.
  2. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    But how can you be so sure about the future. Maybe it will turn out good.
    Also, please do not decide to end it all just because someone close to you abandoned you at your greatest hour of need and just brushed off your situation as if it was nothing. its a clear sign they were never meant to be your helper.
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    But Travis, you are surrounded here by people who get it, who you don't have ti explain it to.

    You're important. You might be the one who can talk me down when I get to the edge.......
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