Does anyone else feel this way? I've found myself having this thought often, mostly late nights. I've vented to to close friends and have made it known many times that sometimes I just don't want to exist anymore. But no matter how bad it gets I can't bring myself to do it, and I don't think I'd ever be able to. Many days I've hoped I'd go to work and get shot, or hit on an accident scene, or have some incident happen that ends it. (I'm in emergency services so dealing with chaotic scenes is regular.) Or even not at work, a reoccuring hope I have is to be involved in a car accident and have that end it. But I could never bring myself to actually kill myself. And part of the reason I want to is so selfish. I want the people who hurt me to be hurt themselves. The biggest person in that spotlight is my ex girlfriend who left me and got with her ex, yet constantly texts me saying how much she loves me and misses me. Its like every day I'm reminded of the hurt and I can never tell if its genuine. Some nights I'm in so much pain, and I'm tired of being in pain. Then the days where the pain stops, I feel absolutely nothing. I'm numb, I'm simply existing. Some days I wonder if my only reason I want to be dead is to show who really cares even though obviously if that happened I'd never be around to know. Anyone else wish there was a way to disappear for a week, make people think you are gone, and watch over who actually gets affected when you die? I don't know, some late night, depressed thoughts.