I don't want to kill myself, but I want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JKuhnz, Oct 15, 2016.

  1. JKuhnz

    JKuhnz Member

    Does anyone else feel this way?

    I've found myself having this thought often, mostly late nights. I've vented to to close friends and have made it known many times that sometimes I just don't want to exist anymore. But no matter how bad it gets I can't bring myself to do it, and I don't think I'd ever be able to. Many days I've hoped I'd go to work and get shot, or hit on an accident scene, or have some incident happen that ends it. (I'm in emergency services so dealing with chaotic scenes is regular.) Or even not at work, a reoccuring hope I have is to be involved in a car accident and have that end it. But I could never bring myself to actually kill myself.

    And part of the reason I want to is so selfish. I want the people who hurt me to be hurt themselves. The biggest person in that spotlight is my ex girlfriend who left me and got with her ex, yet constantly texts me saying how much she loves me and misses me. Its like every day I'm reminded of the hurt and I can never tell if its genuine. Some nights I'm in so much pain, and I'm tired of being in pain. Then the days where the pain stops, I feel absolutely nothing. I'm numb, I'm simply existing.

    Some days I wonder if my only reason I want to be dead is to show who really cares even though obviously if that happened I'd never be around to know. Anyone else wish there was a way to disappear for a week, make people think you are gone, and watch over who actually gets affected when you die? I don't know, some late night, depressed thoughts.
  2. Flying Fox

    Flying Fox Well-Known Member

    I could not have put it better myself. How you feel about this is very real and valid, and often have similar thoughts. The act of killing myself takes more courage than I have yet I often find myself wishing I no longer existed in the world, for different reasons, to see if people truly did care about me. Largely I have given up reaching out to others, to my old friends, and I find myself wondering if things would changed if they knew how I truly felt. I am divided down the middle when it comes to people - my anger and resentment wants them to know the same hurt I feel so they know what I am going through but by the same token I do not wish to hurt them. If that makes any sense; I guess it is more about confirmation of validation than actually affecting those around me.
    Two days before she left for university, my oldest friend called me asking to hang out, and when she did I was over the moon. That call meant the world to me because it was the first time in ages she did so. Sometimes I when I am in a dark place I want to let her know how much what she has done or in this case, hasn't done, has hurt me yet it all I want is her companionship and friendship. It is very ironic that we want to hurt those we love, in order to show how much they affect us, when all we want is to spend quality time with them
    smackh2o likes this.
  3. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Wow, yeah I get the funeral thought too. Usually just to guilt myself into not doing something I would regret and upsetting everyone. Do you find you would really like to know what people are thinking a lot of the time?