I don't want to kill myself...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by skyisburning, Jun 6, 2010.

  1. skyisburning

    skyisburning Well-Known Member

    ...I just want to get away from my life. I'll be a junior in college this fall, and I still don't know what I want to do. Well, I know what I want to do, but I am SO burnt out on school that I want to take a break for a while. I want to try acting for a living (I'm currently a theatre major, and I've been told by several people that I'm good, so I feel like school is just added practice instead of an actual necessity). The problem is, I have a full-tuition scholarship, and I am constantly told how idiotic it would be to give that up to take a break. And I get that perspective, really I do...

    But here's the deal...this past semester, I was taking a painting class (and keep in mind, painting is one of my all-time favorite joys in life) and was in a play simultaneously while trying to balance the rest of my school work on top of it. Between being burnt out on school, frustrated and depressed with life in general, and behind on school work to the point of stressing over it, I just sort of shut down. I barely slept the last month of school. I became an emotional and mental wreck. I would spend spurts of time (usually around an hour) crying and in bed. I skipped class as often as I could manage, and it even hurt my grades a little bit. Not to mention that I got to the point that I didn't want to do anything but get on the computer or sleep...I wouldn't even clean my apartment unless it absolutely had to be done (so it would go weeks without being cleaned).

    I came really close to killing myself. I remember at one point that I even tested out the internet cord in my room to see if it would be strong enough to hang myself with. :sad: I don't EVER want to reach this point again...and I'm really scared that if I go back to school, I will.

    I don't know if anyone has any words of wisdom or advice, but I'd love to hear it. If not, well...it was nice to rant a little.