I don't want to live anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Scars and Memories, Jun 1, 2009.

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  1. Scars and Memories

    Scars and Memories Account Closed

    Hello everyone, my name is Bart, I'm a 17 year old guy. It's 3AM, I can't sleep and I want to say what's on my mind.

    Last night I had a stupid ass argument with my parents, 'cause I was watching a movie and my dad wanted me to go to bed. My anger built up and then I threw the tv onto the floor and I kicked the table over. Then my father called the police and I had to talk to them, explain what happened. Then I went to bed and I felt very sad, I couldn't sleep. My parents don't understand me. I wasn't even mad at them, I had that anger inside of me for a long time. And maybe it was because of my medication. It just feels so unreal, my parents calling the police on me. Just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse, this happens...:eek:hwell:

    I think the goal of life is to be happy. Isn't that why you go to school, you get friends, then you get a job, you get married, etc? Just so you can live a happy life? I'm almost never happy. My life is just fear, hurt, loneliness and sadness. I know I'll never be loved, this is what bothers me the most. I know it's true because I'm so fuckin' scared to talk to people. I always end up embarrassing myself and others. Hell when my therapist is talking to me (she does all the talking) I'm about as nervous as it gets, I don't see how that could help me. Even online I'm so shy I never PM anyone because I know I'm a piece of shit and I'm not worth talking to. I know I can't live without love, and I'm not going to wait until the "right one" comes along when I'm 40 years old and she's some ugly fat bitch. Fuck that I'd rather die.

    I can't go anywhere without my social anxiety, even at home I feel worthless, even on the anonymous internet I feel worthless. At home I can cope but anywhere outside (mostly school) it's a living hell. Medication doesn't even work it's too complicated for that. When I was young I was hurt so badly. I'm very sensitive and people often say mean things to me which makes everything worse.

    I don't know if I deserved this life. I guess if I commit suicide I will go to hell. Thank you very much God I wish I was never born. I fucking hate everyone and they deserve it.:mad:

    I don't think anyone cares about me (online, because I have no one to talk to in real life). Sometimes I tell people about my problems and they say they care about me, but I just can't believe that. It's not like I care about anyone, only if they make me feel good. Why would you help me, you don't even know me. If I die your life won't change, instead of helping me you could spend this time on your own life. So please don't fake that you care about me. Many people say that so easily...

    but I want someone who really cares about me even though I suck:sad:
  2. Leecy

    Leecy Member

    Sorry but I think I have to be harsh - especially after your comment above.

    What exactly are you looking for in life? You say the "right one" will come along but she will be an "ugly fat bitch" so you would rather die? If you are lucky enough to find the right one then you should cherish them and thank god every day that you have found them.

    I thought I found the right one and all he did was treat me like garbage, made me depressed, betrayed me and destroyed our marriage so now I have nothing and all I want to do is die :(

    Live your life, dont focus on having to meet someone and marry them and live happily ever after etc, just value everyone you meet and when someone special comes along treasure every moment you share with them.
  3. Scars and Memories

    Scars and Memories Account Closed

    But my life sucks, and I have no one to value. I don't think it's worth it too wait until I'm happy. I don't think I'll ever be happy. But look no one cares. I think when I'm at home alone I will cut a vein. I hope it won't take too long to bleed to death.
  4. Leecy

    Leecy Member

    Try and value yourself - its what Im trying to do.

    Im alone and at the lowest point I have ever been - I have so many regrets and the future I wanted for myself is gone and there is nothing I can do to get it back. But I just keep going hoping that something nice will happen to me.....and a small part of me wants to keep going just to hear what happens when Karma finally catches up with my ex husband :wink:

    You are 17, whatever you think now will be your future is just a thought - its not fact, sure it could be crap but it could also be just what you wanted. Why not just stay for the ride?
  5. Scars and Memories

    Scars and Memories Account Closed

    I guess you're right. It's just that the ride sucks, you know.. It looks like I'll never get rid of my anxiety. Oh well I'm probably to weak to commit suicide anyway...:blub:
  6. Leecy

    Leecy Member

    Hmmm.....I dont think thats actually true - your a weak person if you do commit suicide and seeing as you are here today then you are the strong person. :clap:

    At your age you should just enjoy being yourself - worrying about what you perceive yourself to be or what will happen in the future is just wasted energy which could be spent doing things you enjoy.

    And the ride doesnt always suck, even though my ride crashed and burned as my husband jumped off there were still parts of the journey that I enjoyed and hopefully one day i will be able to get back on the bike and enjoy the ride again :)
  7. I'm so sorry that you feel that way. No one I mean NO ONE should have to go through depression. But there is hope. Getting on the right medicine is such a journey. But it's well worth the fight! I have in the past been suicidal and am now living a full properly medicated life. I know it may not mean much but I'm praying for you right now.
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