I dont want to live anymore
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Xaelem said:
Be honest to yourself: it's not that you don't want to live anymore....it's that you don't want to be unhappy or sad anymore.
Look at life from the positive side of things.
Is the glass half empty is is it half full?
Look at life from the positive side of things.
Is the glass half empty is is it half full?
:hug:
There are a lot of hurting people on this thread and TheAm, you seemed to hit a nerve that many can relate too.
First, I would like to say that suicidal thoughts and the things that bring us to the brink of suicide are very painful and emotionally overwhelming. No one wants to be in a state of hopelessness, pain and overwhelming emotions. You did not choose this for yourself. Sometimes we can be very hard on ourselves and say we made the choices that brought us to this state, but it just isn't true. You did not intentially choose this. The future is always uncertain and we make the best choices we can with the resources and abilities that we have. That does not mean your in this state of depression because you are weak or lacking in ability. Quite the contrary, you are strong and holding up under a very very heavy weight. I sometimes ask myself, "how long can I hold on."
You said, "I dont want to stay alive but i cant hurt my family " And thedeadpoet, am i alive, and LuckyMe all agree.
Because it IS a very difficult thing to hold on. And we DO ask ourselves "How much longer..!!" And we don't want to hurt others but we can't stand the emotional pain and suffering that is part of this illness depression.
I believe you all agree that on one level or another suicide is not a solution, it is an end before a solution can be found. Death is also an irreversible act that does not end the pain, because it remains in those who are left behind. Suicide can not be considered an option because an option means we have a choice and death robs us of both option and choice.
I believe when Xaelem said. "it's not that you don't want to live anymore....it's that you don't want to be unhappy or sad anymore." If we believe death is the only way OUT of this emotional pain and suffering then we want to die. We know its a permanent solution but we also feel that the emotional pain and hoplessness will go on our whole life, and we know that eventually we are going to die anyway so the rational logic behind most suicide thoughts is why prolong the pain. And as you pointed out TheAm, we alos know that suicide will not end the pain, because it remains in those who are left behind. Thus the delema.
And you asked for help with a sincere heart and I want to offer as much support and knowledge as I possibly can. Depression, (and thats what this is) is an illness that effects our thoughts as well as our emotions and also our behavior. How can it do this? Because every emotion is the result of a thought or behavior. AND, (this is the part that effects us the most) every emotion results in a thought or behavior. If you have been sad or unhappy for a prolonged period of time, like 2 to 3 weeks straight, there is a chemical change that occurs in your brain. Your brain actually represses certain chemicals, like seretonin. After a few weeks of that the brain readjusts it's seretonin supply because it beleives you don't need as much since the previous shipments were returned. We begin to sink into a mild depression. The cycle can continue, especially if the sadness or unhappiness is still present in your life. Eventually a mild depression can become a moderate depression and a severe depression. So you see, you did not do this to yourself. And they say everyone on the planet will experience a depressive episode once in their lifetime.
So, how does all this chemical stuff make us think and behave differently? Emotions will trigger thoughts and behaviors. If your brain is not releasing significant amounts of seretonin you will FEEL depressed: inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, the absence of pleasure or the ability to experience it, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness. When you FEEL like that your mind begins to associate those feelings to real memories. Its like your mind is linked to every unhappy and sad event that ever happened to you! And when you are experiencing and remembering all the most unhappy and sad things in your life you will come to the conclusion that it's hopeless, that you've messed it all up, that you can't do anything right. In addition, if you believe it's hopeless and you expect everything will go wrong you begin to notice everything that IS going wrong in yor life. Thats why I often say depression is like a dark pair of sunglasses. Everything is filtered through this state of hopelessness and despair and everything looks dark.
What we need is to get the seretonin and other chemicals flowing again. Because when you FEEL better your thoughts will dwell less on those unhappy memories and more on other memories associated with happier times. This is a natural response. A couple ways to get the seretonin and other chemicals flowing is medication and exercise. If you have not sought a Dr.'s help with this yet I highly recommend you do. In many cases medication does the trick and your out of the depression in 2 to 3 weeks. You still need to stay on the meds for maybe up to a year to prevent relapse and the prescription will be slowly reduced to allow your brain to take over it's normal function. I also recommend a psychiatrist over a general Dr. because they are more knowledgeable about the different anti-depressants and can provide a more qualified diagnosis. However, any Dr. will do.
Another part to recovery from depression is to change your thoughts and behaviors. Its natural for you to think about and behave depressed when your depressed! That goes without saying. However, you will have to go against nature and change your thoughts and behaviors to help ellevate you mood or feelings. And, as your feelings will not react properly because of the lack of seretonin this is not at all easy. You have already noticed, I'm sure, that things that used to be fun and enjoyable are not anymore. And no matter how hard you try to "think positive" your mood just will not budge. This is where a therapist comes in handy. If you can get to a therapist once a week or so they can help you to see things from a different perspective. Right now you have the dark sunglasses on and another perspective can help to see things more clearly. Journaling can help too. Writing out your thoughts, feelings and behaviors focuses your thoughts and can improve your perspective. And, keep fighting against nature, against the desire to isolate, agaisnt the desire to think about every bad memory, against seeing every bad thing that happenes. Eat well balanced meals and get plenty of rest. use a sleeping pill if need be but rest is very important to mood. If you are depressed and sleep deprived on top of that you will be very miserable indeed.
I hope I have explained a bit about what depression is doing and how to counteract it. You didn't choose this mood and you are not destined to have it all the days of your life. the reason everything seems so dim is from association of the depressed mood to real events in your past and present. Its like your stuck with those thoughts because the emotion is stuck... make sense? It's NOT TRUE that are the sum of all the unhappy things that have happened in your life. And, in a more balanced mood you would see all the good things you've done as well. But depression filters out the good and we only see the bad. It's NO TRUE that people don't care, etc.
Meds, exercise, eat balanced meals, sleep, seek a therapist because sometimes friends and family just don't know what to say or do to help and a therapist does. Do not blame yourself. Do not be hard on yourself. Seek people and support. Continue to try to do things that may make you happy even if it only seeems to work a little. Avoid alcohol at all costs. (thats a depressant and the last thing you need)
Wishing you all well,
Judy
There are a lot of hurting people on this thread and TheAm, you seemed to hit a nerve that many can relate too.
First, I would like to say that suicidal thoughts and the things that bring us to the brink of suicide are very painful and emotionally overwhelming. No one wants to be in a state of hopelessness, pain and overwhelming emotions. You did not choose this for yourself. Sometimes we can be very hard on ourselves and say we made the choices that brought us to this state, but it just isn't true. You did not intentially choose this. The future is always uncertain and we make the best choices we can with the resources and abilities that we have. That does not mean your in this state of depression because you are weak or lacking in ability. Quite the contrary, you are strong and holding up under a very very heavy weight. I sometimes ask myself, "how long can I hold on."
You said, "I dont want to stay alive but i cant hurt my family " And thedeadpoet, am i alive, and LuckyMe all agree.
Because it IS a very difficult thing to hold on. And we DO ask ourselves "How much longer..!!" And we don't want to hurt others but we can't stand the emotional pain and suffering that is part of this illness depression.
I believe you all agree that on one level or another suicide is not a solution, it is an end before a solution can be found. Death is also an irreversible act that does not end the pain, because it remains in those who are left behind. Suicide can not be considered an option because an option means we have a choice and death robs us of both option and choice.
I believe when Xaelem said. "it's not that you don't want to live anymore....it's that you don't want to be unhappy or sad anymore." If we believe death is the only way OUT of this emotional pain and suffering then we want to die. We know its a permanent solution but we also feel that the emotional pain and hoplessness will go on our whole life, and we know that eventually we are going to die anyway so the rational logic behind most suicide thoughts is why prolong the pain. And as you pointed out TheAm, we alos know that suicide will not end the pain, because it remains in those who are left behind. Thus the delema.
And you asked for help with a sincere heart and I want to offer as much support and knowledge as I possibly can. Depression, (and thats what this is) is an illness that effects our thoughts as well as our emotions and also our behavior. How can it do this? Because every emotion is the result of a thought or behavior. AND, (this is the part that effects us the most) every emotion results in a thought or behavior. If you have been sad or unhappy for a prolonged period of time, like 2 to 3 weeks straight, there is a chemical change that occurs in your brain. Your brain actually represses certain chemicals, like seretonin. After a few weeks of that the brain readjusts it's seretonin supply because it beleives you don't need as much since the previous shipments were returned. We begin to sink into a mild depression. The cycle can continue, especially if the sadness or unhappiness is still present in your life. Eventually a mild depression can become a moderate depression and a severe depression. So you see, you did not do this to yourself. And they say everyone on the planet will experience a depressive episode once in their lifetime.
So, how does all this chemical stuff make us think and behave differently? Emotions will trigger thoughts and behaviors. If your brain is not releasing significant amounts of seretonin you will FEEL depressed: inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, the absence of pleasure or the ability to experience it, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness. When you FEEL like that your mind begins to associate those feelings to real memories. Its like your mind is linked to every unhappy and sad event that ever happened to you! And when you are experiencing and remembering all the most unhappy and sad things in your life you will come to the conclusion that it's hopeless, that you've messed it all up, that you can't do anything right. In addition, if you believe it's hopeless and you expect everything will go wrong you begin to notice everything that IS going wrong in yor life. Thats why I often say depression is like a dark pair of sunglasses. Everything is filtered through this state of hopelessness and despair and everything looks dark.
What we need is to get the seretonin and other chemicals flowing again. Because when you FEEL better your thoughts will dwell less on those unhappy memories and more on other memories associated with happier times. This is a natural response. A couple ways to get the seretonin and other chemicals flowing is medication and exercise. If you have not sought a Dr.'s help with this yet I highly recommend you do. In many cases medication does the trick and your out of the depression in 2 to 3 weeks. You still need to stay on the meds for maybe up to a year to prevent relapse and the prescription will be slowly reduced to allow your brain to take over it's normal function. I also recommend a psychiatrist over a general Dr. because they are more knowledgeable about the different anti-depressants and can provide a more qualified diagnosis. However, any Dr. will do.
Another part to recovery from depression is to change your thoughts and behaviors. Its natural for you to think about and behave depressed when your depressed! That goes without saying. However, you will have to go against nature and change your thoughts and behaviors to help ellevate you mood or feelings. And, as your feelings will not react properly because of the lack of seretonin this is not at all easy. You have already noticed, I'm sure, that things that used to be fun and enjoyable are not anymore. And no matter how hard you try to "think positive" your mood just will not budge. This is where a therapist comes in handy. If you can get to a therapist once a week or so they can help you to see things from a different perspective. Right now you have the dark sunglasses on and another perspective can help to see things more clearly. Journaling can help too. Writing out your thoughts, feelings and behaviors focuses your thoughts and can improve your perspective. And, keep fighting against nature, against the desire to isolate, agaisnt the desire to think about every bad memory, against seeing every bad thing that happenes. Eat well balanced meals and get plenty of rest. use a sleeping pill if need be but rest is very important to mood. If you are depressed and sleep deprived on top of that you will be very miserable indeed.
I hope I have explained a bit about what depression is doing and how to counteract it. You didn't choose this mood and you are not destined to have it all the days of your life. the reason everything seems so dim is from association of the depressed mood to real events in your past and present. Its like your stuck with those thoughts because the emotion is stuck... make sense? It's NOT TRUE that are the sum of all the unhappy things that have happened in your life. And, in a more balanced mood you would see all the good things you've done as well. But depression filters out the good and we only see the bad. It's NO TRUE that people don't care, etc.
Meds, exercise, eat balanced meals, sleep, seek a therapist because sometimes friends and family just don't know what to say or do to help and a therapist does. Do not blame yourself. Do not be hard on yourself. Seek people and support. Continue to try to do things that may make you happy even if it only seeems to work a little. Avoid alcohol at all costs. (thats a depressant and the last thing you need)
Wishing you all well,
Judy
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