I dont want to live anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by matman1960, Jan 28, 2011.

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  1. matman1960

    matman1960 Member

    There is nothing more to say. I dont want to continue on. I have a job that I hate with all of my heart I do way too many drugs I am a 50 year old loser. I am stuck in this miserable life of mine. I am not going to rehab I am not going to a doctor or the emergency room. Been there done that. No good. I want to kill myself. I am not saying I will, though I might but I really. really want to die. I dont want to do this any more. Im stuck. I always think about death and killing myself. My wife and kids are dysfunctional prolly because of me. Everything is my fault. I hate myself. All I have in my heart is hatred. What ELSE am I to do????
  2. Cute_Angel_Xx

    Cute_Angel_Xx Account Closed

    Hello Matman, awesome user name!
    I'm sure you are filled with emotions and not just hate :hug:
    Life can be tricky at times exspecially if depression kicks in. If you hate your job why not look for a new one there are many out there. Yoour not a loser and your only as young as you feel, you need to put more hope in to yourself :hug:
  3. haedis

    haedis New Member

    Hey Mat. You were put on here for a reason and you were created out of love. You have a special purpose here and the world needs you. There are people who love you madly.. You have made it to 50 years old which in itself is a celebration.

    In every heartache there is a lesson and in every experience there is something to learn. the good news is that you don't have to do anything right now. There is still peace around you. Can you feel your inner body at all? Can you feel how your body feels without the thinking mind? There is a part of you that wants peace.. life wants you to be a part of it. You are only responsible for youself and what is happening right now.. past and future are only thoughts
  4. matman1960

    matman1960 Member

    Thank you so much you all for responding to my post and for the encouragement. As far as my job I work apartment maintenance and my free apartment is part of my salary. If I do find another job I would also need to find another pace to live, my wife and 2 teenagers too. I should be happy that I have a job and a home but I am not. I am addicted to Methadone and Xanax. I know bad combo. It hasn't killed me yet though(damn it). I do have people that love me and are supportive. I really thought that I would not live to see 50. All in all I am in pretty good physical shape just not mentally. I guess the part that is really bothering me is I feel stuck as far as this job. I dont see myself doing this until I retire. And there are many other things that are bothering me to the point that I dont want to "play" anymore. Thanks all for at least reading my post.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Mat it is awful being stuck as you say mentally. The thing is you have to do the things you don't want to do to get unstuck You need to get your depression treated your GP will do that for you. Getting your depression treated will give you that energy you need to move forward will give you that emotional want to change things. I hope if you can do that one thing get depression looked after and see what will come next okay hugs to you
  6. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Hi there Matt. I wonder if the fact that your previous visits to a doctor didn't work are because it was the wrong doctor for you? Just an idea.

    If all that was in your heart was hatred, then you wouldn't be here talking to us. The fact that you are doing that shows me there is an awful lot of good in you. Be kind to yourself. :hug:
  7. matman1960

    matman1960 Member

    Thanks...I dont have a GP nor do I have health insurance. If I go thru withdrawls from the xanax I will lose my job and home. The co I work for is very cheap and If I had to miss a week or so from coming off of Xanax they will prolly let me go...so once again I am stuck...
  8. matman1960

    matman1960 Member

    I dont have the money to try and get the "right" doctor
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    How did you get prescription for xanax go back to same doctor for help then okay or take you empty prescription bottle into emergency and get doctor there to prescribe you more. hugs
  10. matman1960

    matman1960 Member

    I buy Xanax off the streets. I have never been prescribed it. As far as Methadone I go to the clinic for that. Clinic is $100 a week and xanax here in Nashville is 2 to 3 bucks for the 1mg footballs and 5 to 6 bucks for the 2mg bars. If I can get about 3 to 4 mgs a day in me then I feel ok. So you can see that money goes pretty fast just for the drugs. My wife lost her job but she does get unemployment $250 a week. And then thats not even counting all my other bills that I have. Again the hell hole company I work for offers no insurance.....
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