I don't want to live, but I can't die because of my family...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by May9, Feb 11, 2016.

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  1. May9

    May9 Member

    I have been severely depressed for 2 years. Almost forgot what feeling like a human being is. Feel so damaged, and that the mistakes I've made while depressed are undoable. I watch all my co-workers, friends, and siblings get engaged, married, have families, and it makes me feel even more alone. My long term bf left 2yrs ago because he couldn't handle what I was becoming. Now Im faced with living with knowing that I botched up the life I once wanted. Im 36 now, and I am so angry for not getting the help I needed before I got this deep in. I wish there was a reset button to life. The worst part is not being able to opt "out" because I don't want to devastate the people who care about me. I don't want to b here anymore, and im constantly thinking of ways to leave while sparing my family. Im stuck, and Im tired of wearing this mask. I know b there is nothing magical anyone could say to change my situation. In just venting. Thanks
  2. Gergin

    Gergin Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing. If you ever need to talk I'm here to lend an ear. Please keep sharing. We're all here for different reasons but I know we all want to help. Even in a small way of it helps ease the pain. So again I'm here for you if you need an ear.
  3. cren

    cren Well-Known Member

    i know how that feels.. honestly the only reason i haven't ended my life yet is because i don't want to hurt them.. i still care a lot about them.. there's no other reason for me to live.. unfortunately.. if i could just do it without hurting the people that care about me.. and without hurting my family.. i'd do it in an instant.. but that's not how it works.. so i suppose we all should just hold on.. i don't know.. they say it gets better.. but it hasn't been for me.. but maybe it will be for you.. who knows really.. a friend told me there must be a reason for our existence.. so maybe you'll find yours.. i'm actually as lost as you are.. sorry if what i said didn't help you.. but sometimes i feel better knowing that i'm not alone.. and someone out there feels the same way as me..
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    It saddens me that you are feelings like that. Have you talked to someone professionally about your feelings? Life is important and that includes you. It's good to vent your anger on the matter it helps to release the pain your feeling. Please keep posting here as you are not alone in your feelings. Please stay strong.
  5. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am truly sorry for what you're going through. Depression is awful.

    But one thing I want to drag out of your post is that you have people who care about you; just the fact that you can say that is so positive. Remember that, remember that you have people in your life who worries about you. You're not alone.

    Life sadly doesn't have a reset-button. Gosh I wish it did!! But you can work on your future. You are only halfway through life, and 2 years of having been sick doesn't mean you lost it all. You're getting help now? That's awesome!

    Getting better is hard work, but I have a feeling you want to do it, that's half of the work done there!

    You're welcome to reach out to me if you want to talk.
  6. May9

    May9 Member

    Thank you all for the replies. @cren , n yeah it does help to hear from others who can relate (even though I don't like hearing that anyone shares this level of hopelessness). I wouldn't wish this on an enemy. Idk your exact situation, but for me I don't really have anyone to dump this on in my life. I have people, but I feel like I can't weigh this down on anyone I care about, so i basically just walk through life faking it. Not sure if anyone sees through me or not, if they have no-one admits to it. I hope it can get better also, I usually see- saw between having no to little hope. I guess I gotta hang on to the "little" as its the best I got to work with. And no, I haven't seen a k professional yet. Reluctant to go, but im reaching point where I feel like if I gotta stick around I gotta do something different.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, I think it is time you sought help from a professional. I can relate to your dark thoughts but for me most were cured with professional help. Keep hope alive, my friend and don't let anything get in the way of that. You can always talk to me if you are lonely, suicidal or just need to vent. I truly hope things get much better for you...(hugs)
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