I dont want to live, but i dont want to die neither

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Summer.Rain, Jun 21, 2008.

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  1. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    I hate this world
    People care only about themselfs, and thay dont give a shit abouth anything or anyone ales.
    It is so hard for me to see the news, how the world is controlled by the rich
    and how is that people like me, simple people, will live forever fearing to loose thair jobs.

    How people accept to to work for less then minimal payment (3$ for hour)
    and how thay will fight for such a shity job, while the owners of the company
    will enjoy sitting in some fancy resturant!

    I went to look for a job today
    I came to a cinema city and thay said thay looking for workers.
    yes i know its low qualification job, but i dont worth more then that anyways.
    So thay explained to me how things work, then i spent 20 min talking
    to the workers in there, i was amazed to hear how thay will work for 300$ each month.

    So do i really want to spend years of my life, working for 300$ per month?
    Do i really want to spend years in some shity job only so that i will
    live with my parents?
    I hate my parents! I dont want to live with them!
    It will take me years to get enough money so i could recive education
    and i just cant imagine how i will live threw all this years.

    I hate this life, I hate everyone around me
    And if ill kill myself it will only be becouse of that.
    Yes i have depression and stuff too, but i can fight it.
    The problem is that every time i fight it i just see the same shity life!

    Fuck it!
    Damn it is so difficult, im really a coward
    It is so difficult! i cant kill myself at home becouse my parents almost
    always at home, and if i leave the house thay keep asking where ill go
    and why and when ill get back, and forcing me to take a mobile phone.
    How can i focus on killing myself when i know that every sec the damn phone may ring??? And if ill tourn it off, and then wount be able to kill myself
    and go back home, my parents will ask me again and again why i tourned it off (like saspect invesigation, keep asking untill he tells you everyting). this is fucked up!
     
  2. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    by the way, every day 20 people kill themself in Ukraine (i live in Ukraine)
    So... maybe i should see myself as a number, that way it will be easier?
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Summerrain!
    Are you able to live out on your own? Or do you have a friend you can move in with? I'm sorry to hear that you hate your parents. I know sometimes they can be irritating, and a little dominating. You should patch things up between you, because they won't be there forever.
    I recently patched things up between me and my dad. He said even though he doesn't understand mental health problems he would try harder to understand. We hug now that that barrier is down.
    If you can't afford to live on your own, are there any organizations that will help you get a place of your own. It sounds like to me that you are headed in the right direction because you want to finish school. That is a major positive thought!!! Keep trying, you have an inner strength that you haven't discovered yet...:chopper:
     
  4. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    Parents can drive you nuts, that's for sure.

    As for the job status.. well jobs are so tough to find, atleast well paying ones. I mean you want to be able to support yourself with your pay.

    :unsure: wish I could help you more. But if you need to rant to someone, feel free to PM me.

    -Rachel
     
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    the advantage of a crappy job is that it gives you a place to go, distracts you from suicide, and gives you some confidence and work experience. you don't have to stay there forever. just work for 6 months and move on to something better paying. my first jobs were in fast food (orange julius anyone???) but i didn't stay doing that forever. i moved around as i gained skills and confidence. be open to what the universe offers. you could be surprised.
     
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I agree with cath. Just because you start at a low paying job does not mean you have to stay there. Earning your own money will help to build confidence and give you a sense of freedom. Look at is as a starting point instead of an ending.
     
  7. Chernarus

    Chernarus Well-Known Member

    How about joining your military you can save the money of course its real low but the militarys of the world usualy provide a place to sleep and three hots, so you dont have to pay rent and youll be away from your family.
     
  8. Chernarus

    Chernarus Well-Known Member

    when im in a military enviorment i have no time to think of depression the comradery and the desipline are great to get rid of depression it works for me, i aint in an actual military branch but im in a high school program called junior oficers training program, so when im doing that it takes away my depression im not shure why mabe its the sense of comradery or you always have something to do to occupie your mind so you dont have time for depression, and your exercising which some say gets rid of depression.
     
  9. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Yes i thought about that aready, more then few times.
    The problem is that the army here in Ukraine is far from desciplined.
    Plus i really hate most of Ukranian\Russian people
    Im not racist but most of them drink alcohol and the colture is full
    of violance, (here in Ukraine the majore couse of death in the army is suicide) the language full of negative words and every one accept it.
    Words like Biach, Bustard and such, many uses such words without
    even noticing it, and everyone accept it.

    In addition, there is corruption everywhere in Ukraine
    Ukraine is a country controlled by people with money!

    If only i could, i would leave this country forever!
    Every day 20 people commit suicide in Ukraine, but no one cares!
    The news is all about how our goveremt dont do shit
    and how money "misteriusly" dessapier and no one knows how and where.

    There was a news report yesturday about how huge building corporation
    BURNED a flowers shop becouse it was on its way to build more huge buildings.
    Every one knows thay payed to someone to burn the shop but no one
    do anything about it.
    The owner of the shop showed his papers (about legality of his business)
    but no one cares and after 10 minuts a buldozer came to remove the depries.
    The police told the news reporter to go away and to tourn off the cams.
     
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Didn't you move from another country to the UK ? If so can't you move back there and check into the military there? I know here in the states some people come here and join the military so they can get citizenship here. I don't know how that works I just remember reading that somewhere. I hope you find peace soon...:chopper:
     
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