I don't want to live, but then again

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by YouMightSaveALife, Jun 18, 2009.

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  1. I want to die, but when I think of all the good things that has happened to me or what could be happening, it makes me feel good and I'm glad i didn't kill myself last year.
    But I still hate it here. Like, I believe everyone was born into this world with a purpose, but what's mine? Like, thinking my whole life whether to kill myself or not? I don't like it that way. I want to be happy, like forever, and never feel low and ashamed.
    I'm fat and ugly and ashamed of myself because of that, I wanna go to parties and stuff, but I can't cause I'm so insecure. And i can't change it. I care about other people's opinion too much, so I don't wanna go out, cause what if I stink or I'm too ugly for them to be my friend and too fat. No one likes fat people (no offence), I mean like, people treat other people with some extra baggage strangely, differently. I want to buy beauty products, to make myself feel better, but I have no money. I hate it.
    Then I'm having this huge problem at home. Like, i live with mom and stepdad. My stepdad seems to be having problems with me living there. He always says stuff about me behind my back, I hear it all. I do everything wrong all the time and then he is the first one to comment on it, but not to me straight, but behind my back. he hates it when my mom cleans my room. like it's my fault, that she does that. I've told her not to, but she won't listen to me. One day, she was making my bed when my stepdad asked: "why isn't she making her bed? can't she do it? isn't she able." or smth like this. asked, if i was disabled or smth. I never wanna do anything in home, cause mom will then yell at me as if I had broken her precious something and stepdad comment behind my back. That makes me feel not welcomed in home. I wanna move out, but I have no money.

    I think about last year all the time, cause then happened the best thing to me that ever could happen to me, I guess. I met my favorite band, like got their autographs and got to take a pic with my fav-member and that makes me feel really happy at times and when I think of it, I always think I'm glad I didn't kill myself in May, because I wouldn't have met them. And now I think, what if they come back or some other fav band of mine comes to Estonia and another dream of mine will come true.
    But like, I can't hold onto just that, you know.

    At times it seems to me as if i'm like some 12 year-old cause I can't seem to be loving someone other than my idol. I don't doubt my orientation, I'm super-straight, but I can't do anything about it. And that frustrates me.

    I'm too scared to go to psychologist, cause it's embarrassing.

    This whole text here seems really confusing and pointless, but yeah. That's my story. I'm sure there's more, but those must be small problems... I guess.
  2. christian_1990

    christian_1990 Well-Known Member

    my parents split when i was 3....i lived with my mother and she had some boyfriends...i never liked them, never liked them being with my mother........my mother is ignorant and stupid...my childhood was hell...im now 19 and live with my father...i dont even like him either...their both ignorant and repulsive.....so hold on your not the only one
  3. I love my mom, i think she is the main reason why I didn't kill myself last year. But sometimes she is so bullheaded that it drives me nuts. And makes me angry at times.
  4. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Keep holding onto the good things to get you through the bad :hug:
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