I don't want to love him

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by angelheart, Jun 20, 2012.

  1. angelheart

    angelheart Active Member

    hey everyone, I had been with my bf for 2 and a half years. I loved him and I really thought he loved me, now I'm pregnant and he's gone. he said that if I got an abortion or gave her up for adoption (a closed adoption) that he would be there to support me, but I wasn't willing to do either. he was really pushing me to get an abortion but I knew I would get really depressed and he didn't care... going through this has made me realize that he doesnt care about me, but for some reason I still love him. I'm sick of missing him and I need to move on, but I don't know how. please help, thanks.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh hun you are better off with out him ok he is a selfish ass he is I hope for you and your childs sake you find someone that is deserving of your love ok NOone should use blackmail to be kept He is an ass you are way better off with out him so please let him go
     
  3. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    It is pretty lousy to run out on someone who is carrying your child but it is a complicated issue and not everyone who has sex is prepared for parenthood.

    I also wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he doesn't love you based on his actions… having a child changes your entire life forever, and it's not something to be entered into lightly. There are all kinds of considerations, not the least of which is whether or not he feels as though he would be able to adequately provide for the child, whether or not having a child at this time in his life would completely destroy his future aspirations/goals/etc., what quality of life you would expect to have as a family, etc.

    This is something where guys give up a lot of control over the situation, and as much as he's not in synch with your feelings in the matter, you can't really say that you're in synch with his feelings either. Don't get me wrong, this definitely is about you as well, but you're not really behaving so differently from him.
     
  4. angeljazz

    angeljazz Member

    Sometimes the people you love change, or else you find out they just aren't the kind of people you thought they were. My fiance that I dated for 5+ years just broke up with me. He told me he never wanted to talk to me again. I was blown away because of everything we'd been through, the love we had, etc. I realized he just didn't feel the same way about me that I felt about him, and I was wrong in thinking he was my soulmate. Perhaps this is a similar situation to yours? Your guy just isn't the person you'd like for him to be. But it's really no one's fault, and it's better to just let him go. You can find someone more suited to who you are. You deserve at least that much. I'm really sorry you have such a difficult choice to make with your baby. Only you can decide what's best for you, so there are no wrong answers, as long as no one is hurt in the process. I wish the best for you.
     
  5. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I have to disagree with you (as usual)... while I agree with the parts about parenthood being a huge responsibility and not everyone being prepared for it, blah blah blah, any MAN (not boy) who truly loves his girlfriend would NOT leave her just because she got pregnant - a situation that he was equally responsible for. If you are not prepared to deal with the possible consequences of having sex, then you are not prepared to have sex, end of story. His responsibility now is to the child that he helped create, whether or not he wanted to have a child. As for why guys give up control over the situation - that probably has something to do with the fact that we're not the ones who have to carry that child around inside of our bodies for 9 months. It's her body, and it's her choice. If the boyfriend didn't want to deal with that, he should've worn a condom. End of story.

    angel, I'm sorry for your situation, and I must agree with eclipse - the guy is an ass. I understand that you still love him, when you have feelings for someone, they don't just go away overnight. In terms of the relationship, you need to forget about him and move on... in terms of the child, however, you need to make sure he accepts his responsibilities as a father. If he doesn't have any interest in ever seeing his child, that's fine, it's his choice to be a shitty father, but he still owes you child support no matter what.
     
  6. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    And you're making all kinds of assumptions based on what you think you know about me, or what you want to think about me.

    The 9 months that it takes to bear a child are not more important or even as important as the 18+ years that it takes to actually raise one… and if someone is more concerned about their body than their child's entire future (not to mention their own, as well as the father's own, and both of their families, etc.), then it would seem to cast a lot of doubt on whether or not they're even fit to be a parent.

    You don't know the situation here or whether they were or weren't using condoms, or if she was on birth control/just told him she was on birth control/forgot, etc… you're just assuming that he was being irresponsible, some sort of deadbeat victimizing this poor defenseless creature who didn't know any better, and now the pressure is all on him to be a MAN and give up his future because of it?

    I agree that maybe he didn't love her, in which case, it's all the more reason for them to not have a family…

    BTW, it's also interesting that you're so focused on how he should have kept all of this in mind before having sex, while completely ignoring the fact that women also have to bear in mind that they might just end up in a situation where the guy doesn't want to support the kid. It's actually really insulting to women to say that-- as if they're these weak pathetic creatures who shouldn't be held accountable for their own actions because we all know that they have to do whatever their man tells them to do.

    Women can say no if they want to… and they can also think for themselves, and if it's that important to them to not get pregnant then they can not have sex… or they can make sure that they only have sex with guys who they know for sure will stick around if this kind of thing happens, perhaps even one of the nice guys who always seem to finish last.

    To be honest, I was under the impression that fear of this kind of thing happening was one of the reasons that women are so good at not having sex. It's kind of amazing how you seem to think that he's just supposed to do whatever she says, as if he's any more accountable for their actions (in this case her actions, because she's basically just ignoring what he wants because she wouldn't feel 'right') than she is.

    I'm not defending the guy or saying that they shouldn't be trying to reach a compromise (maybe an open adoption where they can still be in the kid's life somehow?), but saying that he's a deadbeat or calling it blackmail or telling her that it's all his fault really isn't fair and is actually kind of malicious… this is something where they should be coming together and trying to find a solution… and making him out to be some sort of unforgivable deadbeat loser and effectively trying to turn her against the guy when you don't even know the full situation is really wrong-headed.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 22, 2012
  7. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I'm not making assumptions about you, just disagreeing with the idea that she is somehow being selfish by choosing to carry the child to term. Of course it's a huge decision to make - bringing a child into the world and raising him/her is far more important than the short term affects on a woman's body. But it is still her body. Whether or not they are fit to be parents is irrelevant - what's done is done, and it's time for them to both either step up or make a conscious decision to give the child up, either to abortion or adoption.

    You're right, I don't know the whole situation, but I also don't know what it's like to have another human being growing inside of me, and neither do you. Nor will we ever. I'm not going to pretend like women are poor innocent victims, but the fact is that they do bear the majority of the burden when it comes to bearing children. How the guy "feels" about it is irrelevant. If he wasn't prepared for the consequences, he should've stuck to internet porn instead of getting involved in a physical relationship with a real human being. It doesn't matter whether or not he doesn't WANT to support the kid... I might not WANT to pay my credit card bills, but if I don't, I'm going to have creditors up my ass about it. I didn't say the mother isn't responsible for anything - she is equally responsible. But a guy cannot have consensual sex with a woman, impregnate her, then run off and neglect his obligations just because he didn't want to have children. And it's not fair for you to suggest that guys should have a say in whether or not a woman terminates a pregnancy, as if abortion is something as nonchalant and routine as a dental checkup. Not only do many people have moral objections to abortion, but it is also a very serious medical procedure. Suggesting that a woman should have an abortion just because the guy isn't interested in raising his unwanted children is like suggesting that a guy should be forced to have a vasectomy just because his girlfriend doesn't feel like taking the birth control pill. Both parties are equally responsible for creating the child, but ultimately it is the woman's choice whether or not to carry that child to term. If guys were meant to have a say in the matter, we would've been born with milk producing breasts and a uterus. Face it - when it comes to procreation, we are little more than glorified sperm donors. You do have a point in suggesting that women should be more careful about who they sleep with, but that doesn't mean that we don't have responsibilities. I never suggested that mothers aren't equally responsible for raising children - as the one who will have to carry and eventually give birth to the child, it goes without saying that she will be stuck with the majority of the duties, whether she wants to be or is prepared to be or not. All I'm suggesting that the man is responsible for is sending her the occasional child support check to help pay for formula and diapers. That's certainly not unreasonable. Both parties have to accept the consequences in situations like this - it's so easy for the guy to just run away, but the woman doesn't have that option. It doesn't matter what the exact circumstances were... the second he willingly put his penis into her vagina, he essentially entered into a contract accepting equal responsibility for whatever might happen as a result.

    I must say that though we do oftentimes disagree with each other, I enjoy these little exchanges of ideas... I hope there are no hard feelings. It's all in the spirit of discussion.

    Apologies to the OP - my intent was not to hijack your thread. You do have my sympathies and I hope that everything works out in the end - I do believe that a child should have both a mother and a father in their lives, and I don't think you should make an effort to deny him the right to see his child if he so wishes. But if he truly has no interest in being a part of the child's life, then you need to move on with your own life and provide your child with the best life that you can. I stand by my belief that a man with any shred of integrity would accept his responsibility towards a child that he helped create, whether or not he intended to have a child in the first place. Anybody with half a brain knows that sexual intercourse has been known to occasionally cause pregnancies.
     
  8. angelheart

    angelheart Active Member

    k, just to clear some stuff up, we did not use a condom because he was on a medication that would make it insanely hard for me to get pg (also, my dr told me before that it would b hard anyway) then he switched, since it was the same basic type I (wrongfully) assumed it would have the same effect on him. idk if he knew if the new meds would increase the chances of me getting pg. I fully admit that I should have done something more to protect myself sooner( I got birth control but didn't have a chance to start before I got pg). what made me realize he doesn't love me is that when I was thinking about abortion I got really worried about the safety of it and he texted me back and said "put on your big girl pants and let's get this over with" I learned about a month ago that a girl my age went to the same place I was looking at, got an infection and died. it's not safe and he didnt care.
     
  9. lycoris

    lycoris Well-Known Member

    Hi Angelheart,

    I'm sorry you're hurting and that you're feeling unloved.

    It's a bad situation and one that neither of you saw coming. But I agree that it is an equal responsibility, you may have wrongfully assumed it would be the same as the last medication but he clearly didn't think of it either.

    I think that when considering abortion it is a very very fragile subject, some women wouldn't agree with it at all, but when concerned about the safety of it (which actually abortion can have some pretty serious consequences if done correctly anyway) I think what he said to you was actually quite cruel and with extreme disregard for your safety and well being.

    I get the feeling of not wanting to love him, but you don't just turn feelings off so unfortunately you will only feel better with time. But in that time, we're all here to support you.

    You never know, he may come round as you get further through your pregnancy, realise he was unsympathetic, and then it's your choice to forgive or not.

    Sorry you're going through this :hug:
     
  10. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    I didn't mean to put you on trial, I just know that sometimes people overreact about things and if you were together for 2 years it's hard for me to believe that he would be so callous about things, but I guess that anything is possible… and we never really know how other people (or we) are going to behave in these situations.

    Still, I think you do have to keep in mind that emotions are running high and sometimes people aren't at their best, especially when they feel like they don't have any control over the situation. Does he know about the risks?
     
  11. angelheart

    angelheart Active Member

    he looked up the risks at the very beginning but the only website he looked at was planned parenthood. and there were a lot of inconsistencies with their website