Hey guys,
@ Autumn:
Heh, unfortunately, whatever I can say to you is pretty hypocritical...but, nonetheless, I think if there's only one person, that could possibly (even if you think the chance is so slim that it's almost not there) care enough to grieve over you, that's more than enough reason not to go. Sounds corny, I know, but you never really know a person entirely...who really knows how much this could destroy your mum or even someone totally else you didn't even think of...as to the taking care part...how about you wait and see, how very well she can still take care of herself a couple years from now?
I really don't want to make it to another birthday, either...I hate them so much, I feel sick just thinking of them...I think the last birthday that really felt like it was supposed to, like my special day, was my 12th or so...can barely remember...I'd even be glad if it would feel like just any other day, but the way things are, I know by now that my birthdays make me feel more lonely and worthless than any other day...I hate that. I'd been on the verge of killing myself before my 18th, planning done and all...and my mum was the only reason I didn't do it back then...but now things have changed, and I really see no reason why I should hang in to see another one of those fucked up birthdays...it'd be the 20th, and man, if I had to initiate World War Three to make sure it doesn't come, I sure as hell would...
But well, when I look at how my sister's birthday is celebrated...sometimes I think it's all just a matter of how you go about it...if you put some effort and organization and, more importantly, determination into it and let whoever's around you know what a nice birthday means to you...maybe you might just be able to make yourself a neat day...
