I doubt I can go on with this much longer...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ruvel, Jul 22, 2009.

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  1. Ruvel

    Ruvel New Member

    Ello all, I've been battling this emotional pain since I was 12 (I just turned 24 reciently). I have Bipolar Disorder and some kind of Paranoia that makes me constantly look around to see if anybodys there.

    Anyhow I dont think I can handle this pain any longer, my depression hits me much harder now then in the past and its to a point where the depression makes my whole body feel paralyzed and I cant move it at all for a good 5-10 seconds or so.

    I have thought about suicide alot over the years and even threatened to do it twice (both times I got taken to some mental facility or whatever.. it was heck there so I faked being well and all to get out early.

    Well, being stuck in my house casue of the paranoia, and all the emotional stress with being alone (I dont have any friends at all out there), that tied with my lack of energy and becoming disinterested in even my favorite hobby of playing computer games. Well, all that has pushed me to that small thin line between falling off into a dark oblivion of death and getting pulled back to saftey.

    I'm just not sure what to do anymore.. I want my life to end so I wont be suffering anymore, but my fear of death keeps me off that road I want to travel on.

    I guess to sum things up I have nothing going for me in the future and would perfer this waste of a life to be over.

    Sorry if this seems a rambling mess but I've never been the best in putting thoughts into typed words.
  2. noPoint

    noPoint Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you feel this way.

    I'm guessing you've tried medication or are on something because of your hospital visits.

    I supposivly have bipolar2, I deal with anxiety and depression. I don't think I should have to explain why I'm on the site.

    All I could suggest is to maybe gradually get out of the house little by little. Take baby steps to help your paranioa. I used to be afraid to go outside of the house but I just kept making myself go somewhere, and get out no matter how bad I felt. I would say it has helped me.

    I hope you can start feeling better.
  3. Ruvel

    Ruvel New Member

    Thanks for the advice. Well I've been on meds since then too.. first they only thought it was depression only.. then took them till i was 18 to find I had bipolar. As for going outside I've tried and I can't really open the door to leave unless someone is with me (and those occassions just happen with when my mom has to drive me to the doctors to get more meds). and more so if anything I'm too paranoid of the people around.
  4. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    I have bipolar disorder as well. I went through a depressive episode that may have been just as painful as what you're going through. You're not alone, there are people who are dealing with similar issues and others who have dealt with them before. From all of these people, you can learn. Even when life is cruel, it's beautiful in another sense. Try to focus on the aspects of the world that do not deter you, if you can find any. It could be the weather or your dreams, for instance. Write these things down, so that if you're feeling even worse, or next time you have an episode, you can read what you wrote and gain a new perspective on life. Brainstorm. Write. Think. Just try anything to keep your mind off of yourself right now. And remember, this is probably only a phase of your illness.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are still so young has your doctor looked at maybe changing up your medication a bit to help decrease your paranoia Even if you can just go outside in the back yard get some air. Find out what makes you smile what you enjoy doing and use it to help you. writing down in a jounal your emotions does help and take it to your doctors to show him whats going on in your day. Small steps at a time open the door step out it for a minute go a bit further each day and stay out a little longer. You can do this take care
  6. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hey Ruvel,

    I also turned 24 recently and I know how you're own house can seem like a prison sometimes. I was staying at my parents' home last year, when I was severely depressed and they didn't want to let me out (which was understandable as I had to work on a project and they were obviously concerned for me). I sat in my room almost the entire time, and I felt trapped in my own home. The thing that eventually helped me, was to go and sit and play with our 2 huskies outside. I sat with them for hours and I ALWAYS felt better afterwards. That little bit of fresh air did me the world of good and like Mary said even if it is in your backyard, just make sure you do get outside every now and then. Or maybe you can ask your mother to go for a walk with you once a day? It could be very therapeutic for you both.

    I hope you find a way! Take care!

  7. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Don't believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die.
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Ruvel,
    I also am an Isolationist.. I have been in therapy for four years.. Thru the help I have gotten there I am able to actually get out in the morniings before I think about it to much.. I started by going to this park down by the river.. I would just sit there and people watch..Then I would go home and lock myself right back in my room..I suffer from many ailments paranoia being one of the big ones.. My doctor has me on five different meds..It has taken years for them to find something that actually helps.. Maybe you should talk to your doctor about your different problems and maybe start a regiment of meds to fight the different problems..
    I'm an avid reader and haven't been able to pick up a book in almost a year now.. My therapist says I have grown bored with it..The only thing I have any interest in is coming on the computer and talking here on the forum or going on Facebook..
    I have decided to try some new hobbies.. One is I am going to try painting again.. I suck at it but have found it to be therapuetic..You have to occupy your mind with something to be able to move forward.. Take care!!
  9. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug: xx
  10. noPoint

    noPoint Well-Known Member

    It's kindof similar with me.

    I've been very afraid of people, eye contact, all of it.

    They never told me I had bipolar2 untill my anxiety got so bad that I would have rather been dead, I was very depressed also.

    I just never quit, and still haven't.

    I'm perscribed to lexapro and that's all I take. I've quit alcohol and other drugs, including cafeen and nicotine. I've done alot of research and I would say that I've been lucky enough to know some good people, even though I've also known alot of bad. But I've gottin good reflection and advice from both.

    I'm not gonna try to tell you what to do. But if you never quit trying, you will never lose.
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