i dunno...

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i'm very lonely and i feel like a waste of space. all i have are photographs and i long for her touch. all i have is an empty pill bottle and i long for the high. i miss amber. i miss Carol much much more. i miss alcohol. i miss shrooms. i miss my friends. i miss everything. everyone's moved on, and i'm back in a rut because i've done the only thing i can do: self-sacrifice. i'm not by any means impressed with my deeds; quite the contrary. i'm almost sick of everyone. i miss them, my friends, and yet sometimes i begin to hate them. all i do is cut my rope and fall off the rock so they can make it to the top. i gve them a push, slice my own rope (and body) and i fall. time and time again i give everything up and get worse things in reutrn.

my luck blows.

it has taken a good turn and i found employment at Universal Studios, though currently only for Halloween Horror Nights. i hope to make it full-time because i want to make short films and take them to Sundance and Canns. i love film.

but more than that i love my friends and Carol.

i'm just dying all over.

i need someone to hold on to, someone who can fall asleep in my arms.... i need that right now. i haven't had physical contact in so long i'm afraid that i won't know how to handle it when someone shakes my hand, let alone hug me.

i've reclused, god damnit, and given in to my vampirism. all i seek is blood. forget friendships and physical contact. my pain is so great that i require new life essence.

i can't stand ity when the demons look at me like that.

nevermind, i doubt any of you have any idea what the fuck i'm talking about, and everyone thinks i'm a delusionairy schizophrenic, anyways.

i hate myself.



Staff Alumni
hi Mike...sorry things are so rough...please excuse my lack of lexical ability right now as it is 3AM, but wanted to let you know that you were heard and that i am sending the best i can, a cyber hug, to you...will write more later today, and please PM me if i can be there for you...big hugs again, Jackie


Well-Known Member
Deep and poetic, those posts are always fun to read.

Anyway, I long for some kind of physical contact as well... but I have never had it. And now I am thinking that not having it is a good thing... otherwise I might be worse off than I currently am.

Basically all I can say is purse your passion. Which seems to be films use that to take the edge of reality off your skin. Sometimes the things that make us lonely and depressed are reminders of our former happiness. So take all these pictures and gifts and whatever else you have box them up and store them away. Then after a while of resisting pulling them out you will forget about them and be able to find a new happiness and once you have that you will stumble across these old pleasent memories and then you can remember your old happiness while experiencing your new.
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