I dunno

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by thepainwithin, Mar 11, 2012.

  1. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    The other week I'd been having trouble sleeping so I go to the doctor at my university and he gives me a weeks supply of trazadone, an antidepressant I thought was a sleep aid. So he makes me go see a behavioral specialist. I roll out of bed at 8:30 in the morning expecting to get a refill on my prescription and she starts asking me questions about everything including the health of my dog. She couldn't seem to find the root of my depression so she latches on to the one thing I wasn't ready to talk about; getting arrested.

    Well, let me back up. First she started asking me about classes, fair enough. I told her my grades were fine except calculus. She looks at me awe struck and says "wow, you smoke pot and get good grades?" as if I'm an idiot or something. Then she says "well why didn't you drop your calc class?" to which I reply that my advisor told me I'd understand it more if I stuck with it and took it again for a better grade. Then she replies with a sarcastic attitude and something like "pfft I guess that will help a little bit" it was more like a disgusted "ugh".

    Then she starts poking and prodigy about my pot use and alcohol history. My only problem with pot has been getting arrested. I haven't stolen, smoked to escape reality, etc... Like everyone in court ordered rehabs makes you believe. My smoking was for fun, with friends. She asks me how often I smoke, I say 3-4 times a month on the weekends, which is a far cry from the everyday I used to smoke. And she starts telling me I'm going to relapse (from what??). Here I am, two states away trying to escape the shame that is getting arrested, and here she is telling me I'm going to relapse like a heroin addict. I'll admit when I got down to school, for the first week I smoked everyday, then I quit, because I'm not addicted to pot in any way shape or form. She starts telling me I'm physically addicted... Ya, I'm an addict but I can quit whenever I want, which is true. I made a gram last a month, and then quit for another month, I have no desire to even smoke now... Then she asks when started drinking, I said 16. She said "how often" I said "well I was never really a drinker" to which she replied "so if you don't like drinking then why do you?" that's not what I said at all, and I told her that... She goes "how much do you drink now?" 3 times a month, if that, the honest truth, and a 6 pack, like I said, I'm not much of a drinker. Then she looks at me and says "you're not much of a drinker but you binge drink? You know 4 beers is binge drinking and you drink 6?"

    She said I was in denial then, like a teenager talking back to her mother she turns and says to me "oh I forgot, you're 21, you're invincible"... Ya, I've been arrested twice, I'm really invincible.

    God I was so mad. Ive never felt more disrespected in my life. I spent 2 years on probation with my balls in a vice being told I was powerless and sick... That's all they can tell you when you get arrested, you're sick, you have problems. Smoking or drinking for fun isn't an acceptable reason for them... That's why 2000 college kids go to frat parties, not to have fun, but to drink away their problems, right?

    Well, when I got home I sent her an email. It started with clean language then as I kept writing I was getting more pissed. I called her a bitch and dropped a few f bombs. I wanted help sleeping and she starts talking about my drug use, which isn't even the root of my depression, getting arrested significantly contributed to it, but it's far from the cause.

    She told an attorney I was harassing her. He called me and made some empty threats to stop. If I'd really threatened or harassed her he wouldn't have just said to stop. I'm not really am angry person, but this lady really pissed me off.

    She was amazed I couldn't tell her the name of my court ordered rehab place. She said it must be memory loss from the pot, ya, or maybe because that was over a year ago and I've been trying my hardest to block that part of my life out. The fact she called me an idiot and was amazed I smoked and got good grades really upset me. She wad just stereotyping me, like I'm a lazy pot head who sits on a couch and shovels food in my mouth. It was amazing to her I maintained a 3.25 in college, in fact, the only semester I ever did bad was when I got arrested. The court system, not the weed, depressed me so much I almost failed out of school. And then like a heroin junkie I'm going to "relapse".

    It's bad enough I have to check yes when asked about misdemeanors on applications, but for her to make my past her focus when I'm just having trouble sleeping? That really upset me.

    I wish I weren't so angry, I wish I could bite my tongue, but feeling so disrespected like that, being talked down to like I was when I was on probation? Finally, someone who didn't have my balls in a vice that I could stand up to. But no one listens. I'm just a drug addict in denial on the verge of relapse. God I hate the court system. I hate being stereotyped.
     
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I can relate. No one wants to feel judged or disrespected. I have done almost every drug known to man. This lady clearly has had no experience in anything. Depression is repressed anger. At least it was for me. I was angry because I believed I had no control over anything. Of course feeling helpless and powerless would and does make people feel angry. Its not wrong to feel angry. We all FEEL, if we didn't we would be like robots.
    You say you do drugs for fun. I am curious why life cannot be fun without them. Do I think you have a problem? No. I had a problem. I had to stay high/ drunk for years otherwise I felt my life was completely meaningless. There is a reasoning behind your depression and you already know what it is. It is an unresolved issue that you have either brushed off in denial or repressed. You can control how you deal with it. You can either face it head on sober and work through it with forgiveness or you can continue trying to bury it with whatever means you feel that you need to. If you don't deal with it: it will never go away. I know; I was one of the best of self denial and repression when it came to my many issues. Take it from m. It's better to just deal. If your anything like me, you will need help and that is OK. I found my help through divine intervention and instruction. Clearly this doctor doesn't know how to help you. Forgive her. She has her own issues. You can be sure of that. But that doesn't mean there isn't help out there. Seek and you shall find friend.
     
  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Wow, she sounds like a major bitch. She shouldn't have passed so much judgment on you when she shouldn't even be doing that. She should be there to help you, not cut you down. There's honestly nothing that bad about smoking pot anyway, and I think she was stereotyping you in a lot of ways. As far as threatening her, the email you wrote sounds like a far cry from threatening. I drop f-bombs in normal conversation so I don't see why she saw it as a threat. I would just ignore her and try to find another doctor, one who won't judge you unfairly. I hope that your sleep issues will be rectified soon.