I duno

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by FBD, Aug 7, 2010.

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  1. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    Well this could trigger, so maybe don't read this

    I'm off my meds, and I have been for about a month and well, I'm happier now. Sure on meds, the depression may not have been a severe but I'm better now. Before I got help I eas happier, I was a better person.

    Before I let people walk all over me, and su that sucked, but at least I did something nice for the world. Now I try to stick up for myself and I'm shot down and neglected. I was raped and no matter how many times I said no it didn't matter. I try to tell my side of things and people don't care, people don't listen, and they sure as hell don't believe a word I say. So I think it's ti e to go back. I at least had people who wanted to be around me then.

    I'm living on my own now, I got my apartment and I'm excited. I can finally stop going to therapy and to the fucking doctor. It doesn't help, it made me worse. I don't think counseling helps everyone an I'm someone it doesn't help. It's time to stop wasting my time. I'm not getting a new doctor, and I'm not trying it again, but if people ask me, I'll just say I did. I don't need the extra drama of people who think they know what's best for me telling me what to do. I've don't that and guess what it doesn't work.

    Yeah I'm 21 so I'm still "young" but I think I know myself better than other people, and these other peoples advice has only made me worse.

    I'm not good enough and all the people I know won't let me forget that. Even my boss, I was right, he thinks nothing of me, he said 1 more incident ( the first being my hospitalization for depression) and he's haft let me go. Aparently me having depression is enough of a reason to consider firing me so to me the logical thing to do is to deny having depression and just going back to how it was before and just survive.

    So yeah I duno I tried writing this like 4 times, I duno if it makes sense or not but if you read it thanks.
  2. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    I think I left this part out...

    I was hurting myself recently on the meds, once I got off them, I'm managed to not hurt myself, sure the urges are still there. I have mo suicidal thoughts, but I'm not acting. I'm good.

    The feeling of worthlessness isn't gunn a go away, so it's time to accept that

    I've also lost conol overly self control. I'm eating way to much, but I don't wanna be eye fucked every time I walk by a guy, but too far out of shape and I know i'll Hate myself more.

    I need to stop eating again, but I can't do it
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have a point abt medication i understand on them control but no feeling really. itis your choice how you heal yes your doctor you had seem to cause you more pain that i too understand same with my daughter.
    She is trying to find a kinder doctor now one that will listen more not so much talk to her but listen and help her heal from her rapes.
    eating is replacing the pain you feel inside. i hope you continue to reachout here okay keep talking here letting go of the pain inside you.
    It must be exciting having your own apartment your own space wow that is what i want for my daughter as well.
    i think maybe in time you could if you want to try find a kinder doctor okay one that you feel you cantrust and is kind to you. there are some out there that truly understands there are. take careokay of you you stand tall and you be proud of you okay don't let anyone take that pride away. i hope you can move forward with your new apartment. Your boss cannot fire you because of your depression that is discrimination and i would go to someone legally if he does let you go because he cannot do that.
    just want you to know i think you are being strong and i hope in time you can find that special someone doctor friend someone to help you heal your inner pain
  4. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    Thanks violet :hug:

    I know for me, once I decided I wanted my own place, I just went for it. I don't know much about your daughter, but if she's anything like me at all, moving into my own place is a way to start over in the same area, and try to get rid of triggers around me. I'm alone now, so when I feel alone it's because I am not because my roommates hate me. It's also helping me get ready to run.

    After I get my degree, i plan on running and never looking back. I got ideas, but that's about it, but here has too many triggers, and I can't bring those iggers to a new place. Even the people around who have just helped, I know will probably only remind me of everything, and once I'm reminded of it all it's hard to forget it again.
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