Hey, look, it doesn;t matter if you WANT to do it. It's whether you do it that counts. Have a sit down and think about why exactly you want to cut?? Share it with us instead of actually doing it.....Shout at the top of your lungs, say all the horriobke bad words you wouldn;t normally say....Throw things, punch your pillow, breathe deeply, down a pint of water.....anything... You really don't NEED to cut. You just want to. Think about something else you want to do......
Everything. There's all the pre-existing stuff, the PTSD, the general depression. There's the fact that I just cannot find the motivation to do any of my coursework and I've got my boyfriend and my teachers lecturing me about that fact. There's the fact that this afternoon my boyfriend was diagnosed with the degenerative eye disease that his brother has, which means he's likely to go blind and I'm worried about him. There's the fact that he decided to side with my mum in an argument she and I were having this evening, when he didn't even agree with what she was saying, he just wanted to curry favour with her (even if he's too much of a wuss to stand up for me, couldn't he at least just keep quiet?!!). Now I am really, really angry. FUCK!
Then there's the fact that my boyfriend will not just leave me alone, he wants a kiss, or whatever, and I can't handle it. He will not understand that I don't want him whispering shit in my ear, or kissing my neck. Fucking hell!
:cry: :cry: :cry:
I've been thinking about suicide a lot this evening. Of course I couldn't do it while my boyfriend's here, etc, but I can still plan it.
That's part of why I really want to hurt myself right now. I feel like if I can let it all out then I won't end up dead. Oh God.