I fail at suicide rant

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by himself, Apr 2, 2010.

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  1. himself

    himself New Member

    ---speed typed no grammar no spelling really sloppy heads up---
    this is first time im admitting to being suicidal ive been trying to die for half year now and been mentaly preping for 2 years now. i try my best to be rogue about this cause i dont wanna get caught and have to be embarassed with law and then Councelling. my first real attempt was trying to get hit by a train and night i went out no train came i waited 6 hours at night for one nothing my next attempt was trying to get hit by car but i fear of just geting crippled and i dont wanna live crippled. so i spent some hard time thinking figured out stealth way to kill myself unoticed painless and easy is to just stop drinking water ive done this for 2 times and made to 10 days in and then just gave in cause my life got better at the moment which was my finacee starting talking to me again (shes the reason i hate my life so much cause i love her so much but she goes threw depression episodes and when she dose she ignores me and avoids me for little more than a week) she dosent know what ive been trying to do but she always starts talking to me again when i get into almost week 2 of my water starvation and ruins it this was all in last 2 months of 09 and when 2010 came i got so pissed off of my failure and my high/low love life ive been in for 5 years so i decided to get reckless so on jan 1st i drank half bottle listerine mouth wash walked out into field 2 miles towards town to avoid being seen ( i live away from town) i was in mind set that listerine was poisonous and i would pass out in foot of snow and freeze but as i was walking i didnt seem to feel sick at all i felt normal just really pumped to die and really happy at same time that it was coming and then i just kept geting colder i never passed out or anything so i panic and headed to police station in my small town tried to get in/knock and nobody was there at that point i was to cold to move and i sat against the door for 2 hours and then a friend i never seen came up and was like wtf you doing and thought i was on drugs and he made me get in hes car and drove me to hospital and when we got there i convinced him i was fine he just took me home and i failed yet again and found out on internet Listerine isent even harmful which really sucks so all i did was embaress myself infront my old friends and then my gf just started being normal for few months and then she started up the ignoring stuff again over month of march and its coming up to preset date shes been ignoring me for 13 days now and i havent drank anything thing sense she started ignoring me, really feel this is gonna be my success even if i get happy again ive failed to many times in past im gonna keep going cause i know what i truely want and im not gonna let happiness stop my death at this point when im happy or sad the thought of dieing brings smile to my face like nothing else this is pretty much my reasoning if i actually passaway ill have this page book marked on my desktop. this is not a sympathy post i dont want attention i dont wanna be told what to do im just leaving my story
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 2, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you can keep posting your story keep coming here for the support you need. Each day is different and who knows what doors will open for you tomorrow Reach out that is what you are doing now keep reaching out okay so others can hear your story and relate and help.
     
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I hope you don't try suicide again....
    I hear your pain ...
    counceling is a good thing...no one needs to know you have it...just you and the councelor....
    stay safe ..
     
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