I Failed Again

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by White Dove, Apr 1, 2008.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    I failed at it again.. i drank and drank and then took only about 1 bottle then fell asleep.. it did not work cause it was not enough.. my plan is to get way more and this time take them before i get way too drunk to do it.. it will not ever be told the day, hour, or when.. i will never let anyone know my plans on this..

    on April 9, at 9 am i have to have an operation that will require me to go under.. i have about 35$ in a online paypal account that i can use and i am going to go to a voodoo site and have someone put a voodoo curse upon me that i will not wake up.. the minister will be going with me so i will go and say my prayers and ask God to forgive me then let them put me under... i have had enough of this life..

    tonight i was called everything in the book, from an attention whore to evil, a scammer, a munipulater of others feelings, etc.. that was / is the last strawl for me.. i remember coming here and getting hateful remarks, like i would not do it and all but i also remember a few that did say some nice things. i came here to get away from people who hurt me emotionally cause i needed a safe place to go to feel loved and cared for. those that do these things have in no doubt in my mind never really hurt so much in their life..

    i have been hurting so hard and so much and for so long.. i cant even get the peace i need, the closer on some things.. i will die without ever knowing and what really hurts my heart the most is the ones that can help me achevie that closer continue to let me suffer in this emotional pain.. perhaps their way of thinking is if they abandon me then i will soon forget about it and move on, they have no idea just how wrong they are if they think that way..

    love is the power of the universe, it is the only thing that can truly heal me.. but my heart has way to many holes to even be mended together is near to impossiable to do. so i posted tonight and told them to give me hate, give me more hurt so my heart can break right into but i was banned before that happened intirly, now i have a heart that is almost broken, one harsh word and it will break. i am at the end and its time for me to just go..

    i know voodoo works.. i have seen it working before.. i know if i pay someone to do a curse spell that will take me during this procedure it will and i am going to do just that, but if perhaps it was to fail in any way i wuill have my second choce.. i saved all the hateful things to my computer before i was baned and it erased, i will copy it and have it on hand to read, so when and if my operation does not take me, i can read those hateful remarks that call me an attention whore and a physixcho and other things so i can do the job before getting drunk, that getting drunk will be the final step to me passing out never to awaken again
  2. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Well, :hug: Dovie. I really sorry you're going through all this. :hug: more
  3. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    *hug you know where to find me hun you are not alone
  4. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i know but i cant shake the emptyness and the pain..

    i cant handle this stuff anymore..

    i was called a liar, a scammer, a whore, etc...

    maybe i am just all those things? maybe i just need to die??
  5. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    you are none of thosethings people that have talked to you know dofferent stay with us hun
  6. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Hun your getting a pm before i log off from me okay? i am fixing to log off in about 10 minutes...
  7. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    If you ever want to talk I'm here for you, sweetie. Anytime. :hug:
  8. nicesinging1

    nicesinging1 Well-Known Member

    Please WhiteDove. Let's keep fighting. All of us here are on the same boat together. We all joined SF because we felt our pains/obstacles are beyond what we can manage/endure. But it doesn't mean we give up. In fact, we should never ever wave a white flag as long as we are breathing.
    Think about it. We all die anyway. It doesn't matter if you are a CEO of GE or a homeless person on the street. We all die eventually no matter how much we want to continue our life. Why put an early ending to that?
    Lastly, don't you wanna die without regrets? Let's live every day, every moment, every second like it is my last, so when that final day comes, we can say to ourselves, "I made the most of my life, gave everything I have got, and never stopped fighting till my last breath."

    Please take care and keep fighting.

  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    if you need to talk, feel free to pm me :hug:
  10. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thank you.. i will pm if need to..
  11. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    hi hank.

    thanks for your reply.. my boyfriends name is hank.. although i have not seen him in such a long time.

    i am already dying hun, dying from cancer and have to have a procedure done this coming April.. that is why i dont see my hank anymore.. i can not bear to let him watch me die.
  12. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thank you
  13. New-Hope

    New-Hope Well-Known Member

    I hope you get this White Dove.

    I just wanted to say that I'm really moved by your story and you've been through a hell of a lot in your life. Personally, I think you're one of the strongest people on SF.
    Don't believe any of the things that those people called you, some people are just asses by nature and get some kind of vile kick out of putting others down.
    I'm not going to tell you what to do, because the choice is entirely yours and no-one should try and force you into a decision. I just wish you all the best hun, whatever you decide.

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