I failed again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TaraJo, Jul 24, 2009.

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  1. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    I tried to kill myself again a couple of nights ago. I took 32 sleeping pills and I told a friend I was getting too dizzy to txt her much longer. I don't remember much of what happened until I woke up the next day in a hospital bed.

    Now I'm out of the hospital, but I don't feel much better. My friends seem to be abandoning me one at a time. None of my family even want to see me. I have nobody I can really turn to for comfort. I hate feeling this alone. I have no job and I have to crash on a couch. I have been cutting myself to deal with the emotional pain simply because the physical pain of that is easier to deal with than the emotional pain of every day life.

    I want to die, but I don't seem to have the courage to do it. Part of me wants to stop taking my pills in hopes that I will then feel miserable enough that I CAN finish myself off. I have this feeling that it's only a matter of time. I'm scared, but I hurt so much and I need an escape. I don't have one.
     
  2. kurenai

    kurenai Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you're feeling this bad. You should come to the chat room here, so you can talk to someone at least. You don't deserve to be so alone. Or you can PM me, if you'd like.
     
  3. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    ((tarajo))

    I am so sorry.I know you need support,hon,and there ARE others out there who would love to be around you and would know exactly how you feel.Please just remember that.You did not fail..you are still alive so you succeeded..in staying alive..and I am so glad.Make it a priority to seek out support.Here,online anywhere,and with a therapist.I wish you had pm'd me! You are alive to try again at life and maybe we can help you find resources that you need.
    ((hugs))
     
  4. ODIECOM

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    i know its tuff feeling that way, im sorry you have to endure that by yourself.
    i think you should be able to call social services and get some much needed support. since you dont have a job ... they should have a few avenues for you to travel.

    i dont believe that you want to die. i think if you had some good support and had some direction in your life things might be differant for you.
    step out of the box and get with social services in your area. or better yet, call the hospital you were in and see what they might suggest for indigint ppl.

    there has to be some form of help out there for you. its hard when you are in that state of mind to allow yourself to seek help.

    make a firm commitment to get something started for yourself on monday.
    get into the chatroom here and start talking.
    i wish you the best. stay strong and get some help. its out there, you just have to do some footwork to find it.
    odiecom
     
  5. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    I do feel like a failure. I want to die, I just don't seem to have the guts to go ahead and just end it. I just keep living in misery and pain because I'm too pathetic and sad to finish myself off. Part of me wants to find other ways to make myself even more miserable so that I finally will finish things off; I'm kinda wanting to make my life so unbearable that I finally do finish myself off. Another part of me wants to find a way to make myself the victim of a violent crime so that at least some people will remember me come November (long story).

    Usually, when I cut myself, I only cut once or twice so that the people around me don't really notice it that much. Tonight, though, was an espically bad night; I cut myself about a dozen times on my arm. It's pretty obvious if someone sees, they'll know exactly what happened. Yet..... I still want to cut more. It doesn't even hurt anymore; in fact, there's something actually relaxing about watching the blood come out of a fresh cut.
     
  6. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Hi TaraJo,
    I understand about the cutting, I do the same and the blood dripping down my arms makes me feel better, even if only for a split second.

    You're not a failure just because you didn't kill yourself. I sometimes believe in higher powers and maybe you weren't supposed to die, maybe you were supposed to get better.
    I know it's not easy to talk about what it is that is making you feel this way, but this is a big forum with plenty of places that you can talk and vent and get advice and support. Give it a shot, it is helping me out more than I can explain and maybe it can help you to?
    Please don't give up, talk about what you are going through.
     
  7. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I took a similar amount to you and all it did was make me sleep very heavy through an alarm clock, and I had the runs for a week. I had no resistance either.
     
  8. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    I don't want to die now..... but that's just because being drunk is helping make me feel better. :)

    Ha ha ha! Posting while drunk is full of fun for me!

    So, yeah,... I'm thinking that this city kinda sucks for me and I want to get out of here.... I just need to find someone who can let me stay with them elsewhere until I get on my feet somewhere else.

    Wow; I'm a lightweight. Three shots of vodka and I'm feeling dizzy. Ha ha ha! This is fun!
     
  9. ODIECOM

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    well, i guess you can stay drunk and that will get rid of all the ill feelings.
    but then, that will kinda limit you on being able to do anything.

    ive been on the ride your on before. its fun for awhile, then you start to realise that you cant function without drinking, and then .... it all starts over again. you get drunk enough and start riding the pity pony and before you know it, YOU WANT TO DIE AGAIN.
    if you got the time to sit and get drunk, spend that time trying to get some help. solving problems with boose only numbs them, it wont ever cure them.
    best of luck to you

    odiecom
     
  10. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member


    Yeah.... here's the weird thing. I got drunk, I sobered up..... and, for some reason.... I feel better? Yeah, I do. I don't get it.

    No, I don't plan on doing this EVERY time I get down, but, hey, it worked. Can't argue with results (I just hope I can manage to keep my dinner down now)

    Honestly, this is the first time I've been drunk in over a month. Before that, the last time I was drunk was.... years ago. Literally. No, drinking isn't an issue for me.
     
  11. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    don't let drinking become an issue for you.If you start thinking drinking in any way helps you ,it could be disastrous in the long run.I keep saying I will give it up before it becomes a problem ..and then I end up so drunk I get extremely depressed and suicidal induced by the alchohol..not by anything in my life.Ive decided to quit drinking today and if I even think I need to drink again I will go to aa.sorry../ end preach:mellow:
     
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi,Tara

    I am glad you are still with us. You aren't a failure :hug:

    You haven't given up,please don't give up now :)
     
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