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I failed, and now my life is worse.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by lulu rose, Oct 20, 2007.

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  1. lulu rose

    lulu rose Guest

    I tried to overdose on painkillers on the 10th of this month (october 2007).

    The day before that my boyfriend of 3 years left me......I went to university to be with him, I diddnt even want to do the course! I just wanted to be with him.

    He told me he diddnt want me anymore, he still loves me and cares, but he doesnt want to give us another chance.

    I lived every day for him........every day was ok because I knew I had him.

    I messed it up though. I kept bringing issues up and making him feel terrible, I kept judging him and making him feel really bad.......I'm angry with myself for that.

    He said there isn't a chance at all, even if we spent time apart whilst I got help and got better.........no chance at all.

    I was desperate. For the entire of wednesday I was trying to get help. The university told me no one could see me, they turned me away whilst I was in tears..my friends diddn't want to talk to me.........and I couldn't see Keith and tell him (keith is the boyfriend). Though looking back, I should have.

    So, I went and ran the anime club, then after that I handed my friend a letter to give to keith, we parted ways and I went back to my room. Got undressed, put my dresing gown on and started to take the pills.......my mistake was thinking that keith would take longer than 15 minutes to get to me.

    He was outside shouting...........I wasn't in pain, I wasn't being sick or anything...........so I had to go to him.....

    He held me so tight, he called an ambulence and all the while he held me, I felt like he really loved me.............but........at the hospital, he told me that after this there was no chance at all. He moved back to maidenhead which is far away from the university.........and I'll hardly see him again..

    at the moment, I dont think he even wants to see or talk to me anymore.........I think he hates me.

    It's worse now.......all I want is some hope. The only hope I want to live for, is for him... I want something to live for, but theres nothing else other than him.

    I have no friends back home in south wales, the friends I have at uni dont really want me around anymore.......my other friends are at different universities or live miles away, or are on the other side of the world.

    And I know some of you understand this but, we need someone to be around us alot of the time when we're like this.........I sit alone in this house all day and just cry.

    People tell me I have so much to live for. Yeah, I'm good at sewing, I style wigs, I can draw, I can animate......but none of it matters.............without his love in my life, it's not worth it anymore.

    I'm planning suicide again, this time with sleeping pills.........I'm going back to uni tommorow, where I'll get the pills from the doctors by tuesday......I plan to do it on friday....it's our anniversary on that day....there'll be no one there to stop me...I just wonder, can I stop myself from calling Keith to say goodbye...?

    I'm angry that I lived.
  2. nowill2live

    nowill2live Member

    a broken heart is the worst thing that can ever happen to you, it's even worse when you've given that person your whole heart and soul. the pain you are going through is terrible. you feel like your reason for living is gone and all that is left is pain and bitterness. you wish you had never fallen inlove in the first place so you wouldn't go through the pain of their loss. you can't even watch romantic movies anymore because you hate seeing the happy couples

    if you're reading this, I pray that you hold off on your attempt because this will pass. if he ever loved you then trust me he'll come back to you. true love can survive anything, even a heartbreak so hold on and I promise you he will come back to you. God wouldn't have put him in your life and made you give your heart to him if he knew he would do this to you.

    please hold on, I know at this point you feel like it's all pointless but please hold on. I've come close to death before, I've gone through all these emotions and trust me they will pass and the shine will eventually shine. If someone like me with my physical handicap, and my heart being broken can get the girl of my dreams and shame those that called me cripple, then there can be hope for anyone

    hold on, it does WILL get better
  3. lulu rose

    lulu rose Guest

    I wish I could belive.........but he seems to hate me, he's completley ignoring me, wont listen to anything I have to say and wont even tell me if he cares about me or not.......

    I'm so torn up, he held me at the hospital and told me he loved me, he cares for me and he'll always be my friend......but now it seems that he doesn't even care about me..

    I've hurt him so much..
    I love him, I really love him, but I dont think he loves me anymore..
  4. i know exactly how you feel. the man of my life and i broke up over six months ago. we were together 2.5 years. and were engaged to be married.

    the one day. out of the blue. he walked out of my life. without a good reason. we talked for a while. and with each passing day, his reasons for leaving changed. and each passing day he both waver back and forth between loving me and hating me.

    now he's with someone else. now he doesn't take my phone calls or replies to my emails. he no longer tells me that he loves me and misses me. even when i call him sobbing. even when i tell him that all i need is for him to tell me that it'll get better and that i'll move on just as he has.

    i think about taking pills. i think about it almost every day. our break up made the urge stronger. and every day i fight with myself about it. there are days when i try. but i don't take enough to put myself in severe danger. just enough to put myself out. i miss him still.

    together you and i will get over this hurdle. pm me if you ever want to talk. we can share our own experiences of hurt and of love. i know exactly how you feel...
  5. mb75

    mb75 Well-Known Member

    I can relate to all of you. I broken heart IS one of the worse pains ever, it's the worse feeling and what makes it much MUCH worse is when they want to give you the silent treatment with it... No matter how much you cry and beg for help or just want to talk, they ignore you. I always tell people that "Silence kills" (literally) but unless they have been there, they won't know how the hell it feels
  6. Sometimes

    Sometimes New Member

    It's the begging and crying that turns them away from you. It generates guilt feelings and it feels manipulative, and most people don't want to be in a relationship out of a sense of guilt, and they don't want to be manipulated. You feel all this love you have for the person, but they feel a burden. You can't understand why they can't see how much you love them and respond with love. They see your love as too heavy, too demanding. You'll have to find the strength to get beyond this episode in your life, or risk facing painful rejection from your ex-love again and again. Hang in there. You can get through this.
  7. AloneInTheDark

    AloneInTheDark Well-Known Member

    I'm the same really.. I live near to maidenhead.. weird.. Reading... I feel pretty alone and just want to be with someone to feel like i have a reason. im not selfish, it's just it all seems so pointless otherwise.. If you want.. you can talk to me? could do with eachothers company i guess.

    Hope things get better anyway.
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