I failed him

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by damaged goods, Jun 2, 2009.

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  1. damaged goods

    damaged goods Active Member

    This will sound so stupid, but I failed him. My brother was the last one I had left. He asked me for a ride. He doesn't really get it, but I get really bad panic attacks.

    He just asked me for a ride, so he could take a backpacking trip. I was to drop him off at one location, and pick him up at another. Quite simple. The thing is, he doesn't understand that I get really bad panic attacks. And even though I said yes, when it came down to it, I couldn't drive.

    So I bailed. I let him down. In our family, the only thing you can count on is is that you can't count on anyone, but I've always been that different one. I was the one you could count on.

    He knows that I've had trouble with panic attacks lately, and that I wrecked my car during one last fall, but he still doesn't get it. He will never forgive me for bailing on him today, it's our family MO, and I was the one exception.

    He will never understand why I bailed on him today, and he will never forgive me. And he was the one person I had left on my life.
  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF. Take it easy. This happened to me and my sister when I didn't pick her up from the airport. It was a very similar situation. After the horrible part went down, it went away...and we're best of friends 15 years later.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Your heart is good and your head had some difficulties...I would take this combination as a friend over many others...depending upon your brother's age and experiences will determine how he acts on this...know that your intentions were there for him and because of your probs you could not follow through...no malice...you did not abandon him; you were limited by how you were feeling...are you getting help for these attacks? there are some rather talented specialist who work in this area...big hugs, J
  4. damaged goods

    damaged goods Active Member

    Thanks for your replies. Time will tell if he forgives me or not. I do think he's lost any respect he had left for me.

    I have been on meds in the past for both depression and anxiety. I've tried a bunch, and found 2 that helped at first for the depression, then stopped working. And I've never found anything that takes away the panic attacks. It scares me to death when they hit when I'm driving. I'm so afraid I will seriously injure someone one of these days by causing a wreck.

    I've been frustrated with meds and off them for 2 years now. I'm looking into trying them again, in conjunction with therapy if I can. I don't have health insurance, so I'm trying to work with local clinics, and it's a slow process. But I've really reached a point where I just can't go on like this. This is my last chance effort.
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