I failed so miserably

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by poisonedresistance, Aug 25, 2011.

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  1. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Ok, so I was trying not to Sh, i dont cut, there is nothing outward that would give what i do away but it is kinda dangerous.
    I did it today, had a real bad moment this afternoon, talk about crashing and for no apparent reason or trigger either.
    But I went further than I usually do,, i even upgraded :(
    i have packed my stuff away and Now I am back to square 1.
    tomorrow is a new day so I wont give up.
    sorry guys,,,, i want to do this and I will.
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    How long did you go without sh?
    That is your new target to beat to go without doing anything.

    Whatever you have done, please make sure you are OK and safe.
     
  3. Sais

    Sais Well-Known Member

    Hi, Abjure.
    I'm glad you're not giving up, I know you'll make it!
    I'm not good at incuragement these days but know that
    you have all my support and best wishes!:)
     
  4. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Thanks Sais,
    to windlepoons, i managed almost 5 days, not bad since i started again it has been once and twice a day.
    Its such an easy release,,, thats the problem
     
  5. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Well done, 5 days is not bad.
    So from tomorrow see if you can make it 6 days.
    Can you find another release? Talk to someone, use ice etc?
     
  6. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    i am looking, just dont have anyone who would give me the right responses i dont think.

    I used to use other ways but they left scars,, i dont know,, guess im going to be stepping up the smoking!
     
  7. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Nods, best to avoid scars. Have you read any books about it?
    What are the right responses - supportive ones?
     
  8. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    no not really, i just know that those around me who know dont seem to give them, it either gets brushed off as a stupid act or i get yelled at :( and neither work for me,,,,
    maybe id be better just keeping schtum!
    it gets figured out though
     
  9. grinded serenity

    grinded serenity Well-Known Member

    5 day's isn't bad. The good thing is if you keep your mind to it, you'll start building up longer periods where you don't have to cut. I like to think of it as jading yourself to pain. More like just dealing with the mental pain you have in the right ways, rather than going directly to the quick fix.

    It takes dediation that I'm sure you have by now, anybody that has experienced enough pain to relapse knows they don't want to again. It's all about mindset - you won't try to make it longer this time - you will.
     
  10. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You deserve to be listened to, I am glad you realise that. Yelling and putting you down is most certainly not a decent response. If they are not supportive of your feelings then probably best not to share with them, such a shame.

    But you can always share them here.
     
  11. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Your so right, I know that,,, im going to try again, as of tomorrow morning im going to go for it again!!! Ill do better this time, im sure of it! got a good buzz now tonight,,, its gunna keep me going!
     
  12. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Excellent Abjure, I wish you luck. I hope you can make 6 days, maybe even 10.

    Keep that positive feeling in your mind!
     
  13. lycoris

    lycoris Well-Known Member

    Good luck :)
     
  14. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    been really good so far today but been with my uncle who keeps my mind ticking all the time. Gunna maybe make it a regular thing if i get a chance while my partners at work.
    Another good thing about being with him is i dont smoke either so not had a fag all day!
    then we made some curry paste from scratch and he gave me a rabbit for tea!
    so curried rabbit it is tonight!
    always on a buzz when ive been out with him!
     
  15. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Good start to the weekend, hope you can make it regular.

    Enjoy the rabbit!
     
  16. kizzybaby

    kizzybaby Well-Known Member

    any time you manage is a good attempt! everyone relapses, i think its like...a right of passage or something. If you dont relapse, you cant learn from your fall. As long as you take as much learning from it as you can, and try again then its not a failure. xx Stay Strong x
     
  17. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys! its hard, ive spent the whole night terrified of who im going to see while i went with a mate for a drink cuz it was his birthday,,,, dreaded very second of it and although i didnt see the freaking ex, i hated it,,,, but im glad i went, every journey starts with a single step yes?
    on top of that i had this fucking idiot contact me from my previous life when i was with my ex today. talk about a shock to the system, this guy did some disturbing shit,,,proper head fuck he was. I dunno i still cant really talk about him yet. i blame myself for most of it thats probably why but it doesnt stop it from tearing at me.
    its ok but last week my ex contacted me too,,, its too fucking close and spooky for it to be a coincidence. dave and tony used to go to school together and lived just a few doors apart,,,like i said i just cant talk about what happened there yet, still making sense of it in my own head.
    why now,, i mean ffs why have they chosen now to come into my life, just when im at the lowest eb ive been for fucking years, it makes me so angry.
    yeerh i wanted to SH , at points tonight ive wanted to slice so fucking deep it couldnt be repaired. but im still here,, posting shit and making you guys listen to incessant twoffle.
    thanks for being there though. gawd i want to cry but then again i dont i want to show these fucking freaks they cant touch me,, ill copy this fucker into my diary cuz i should make a record of dates n times aswell.
     
  18. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you had a bad night, well done for getting through it!
    You blame yourself, I bet that you are not to blame.

    The point is you wanted to SH but you didn't. Congratulations!
     
  19. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    feeling better today, now ive slept on it a bit, i cant let the past rule me life. been out for a drive to see my mum and my sister, its nice to get out and socialize a bit. feeling good so far today. ive learnt though i cant take it a day at a time, its more like an hour at a time.
    thanks for all the support though guys, its great knowing i cam come here when im feeling low.
     
  20. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Excellent Abjure, remember you did the work, not us. You coped with your thoughts, messages here just helped you see things a little more clearly.
     
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