I Fear For My Pregnant Wife & Child

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BRS411, Apr 17, 2007.

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  1. BRS411

    BRS411 New Member

    this is my first post & the first time i've ever sought help online. i really hope this works, perhaps - if anything - at least allow me to vent my feelings.

    my name is bran, i'm 21. and my wife, who i won't name, is also 21. we're young, but we've been through a lot together. she's 12-wk's pregnant. this is our first child, but her second pregnancy. three years ago she got pregnant, by an ex-lover, and at that time opted to terminate her pregnancy. from what i know, because she barely speaks about it, she suffered badly from depression soon after the lose of her baby. she says she's overcome that tragedy in her life, but i have my doubts now & then.

    here is my problem. i don't want to make this too long because it might bore people to read. she's miserable. she's in a low that i can't seem to help her through. she constantly tells me she doesn't love our baby, that there is something wrong with it. i quote her, "we can't have this baby. let's get rid of it & have a different one. i'm too depressed. i've hurt this baby already & something isn't right with it." i have heard those words numerous times. why would she say something so awful? why would she think something is wrong with it? she doesn't smoke & she hasn't had a single sip of alcohol since getting a positive pregnancy test. she suffers through all her coughs & pains instead of taking medicine, even if the doctor says it is safe. she's taking her prenatal vitamins. all her bloodwork came back perfect. yet, she swears our baby isn't healthy. i can't tell her otherwise.

    she has, however, said this to me. "the baby isn't healthy because i'm not healthy." when i asked her to explain, she said it has to do with how depressed she is. she said she's not taking the best care of herself & therefore she's not taking the best care of the child inside her. she said her depression is causing her body to release negative things upon our baby. what negative things is she talking about? i've looked it up online & in books. i understand that depression is dangerous during pregnancy because it might prevent a woman from taking care of her body - which is happening with my wife quite often - but as for releasing "negative things," i am clueless as to what my wife is speaking about. hormones, maybe?

    and, what happens if she doesn't eat? like she failed to do today. she hasn't eaten a single thing. nothing! i tried to get her to put something in her body by going out & buying her one of her favorite foods, but she curled even further into her blankets & hid. i attempted to talk to her, but she only yelled at me. she said she doesn't care if the baby starves. she doesn't care if she makes herself miscarry. she said, "i don't care about the baby, i hope it goes away." it hurt, a lot. it made me angry, but i couldn't bring myself to yell at her. she said to me over & over again that if she doesn't eat, she'll miscarry. is that true? if anything i think she'll only prevent proper growth of our child & thus the baby really will have something wrong with it. how can she be so cruel? it's been almost 24-hr's since she last ate something. what do i do?

    please, if you read this, even if you don't know what to say, offer whatever advice comes to your mind. i'm open to anything an outsider has to say. i'm at a lose. i'm so afraid she's going to do something to herself, but i'm even more afraid she'll do something to our baby. i love what we've created beyond the explaination of words. and i love my wife.
  2. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    First off, it's so wonderful how much you love your wife.

    That being said, SOME people think that hormones and emotions can affect a baby. For example, some people think that if you are smoking when you get pregnant and then quit that the baby will feel the withdrawal symptoms. I personally have never heard/seen any conclusive proof of this.

    At 12 weeks, she should be ready for her first sonogram soon. That should ease her mind as to the health of the baby. It sounds like she is just scared for whatever reason that something she may have done or something she is feeling is affecting the baby...maybe she is feeling guilt over her abortion and is freaking out about that. Whenever I have a pregnancy "scare" I tend to think something might be wrong with any baby I might conceive because of drinking, smoking, etc., but I think that is just a guilty conscience.

    Has she had therapy or phychological help? Maybe you could call her OBGYN and tell him what she is feeling. If the doctor can talk to her and reassure her, maybe run some tests to put her mind at ease, she will feel better. She may be trying to miscarry because she has a "feeling" something is wrong, so she says she doesn't want to become attached to the baby for fear that something may really be wrong with it. The bottom line is, it's probably all in her head, and a doc can do the appropriate tests to reassure her.

    Also, not eating for awhile won't hurt the baby short-term (I think?), but it's definitely not good. She needs to at least be drinking some kind of shakes or something. This could also be very harmful to her as well. Being pregnant is very taxing on the body anyway.
  3. BRS411

    BRS411 New Member

    thank you for your reply.

    she has had one ultrasound so far. it was her confirmation one, performed at 8-wk's. the doctor found the heartbeat & said the location of the baby was correct. her exact words were, "those are the beginning signs of a healthy pregnancy." you'd think that would ease my wife's mind, but it didn't. not at all. it didn't even thrill her. i'm another story & i wish my wife could share in these feelings of mine. becoming a parent surpasses any dream i've ever dreamt for myself. especially so young. but we're ready for this, or at least i thought we were. she always spoke about wanting to get pregnant. she used to beg me before we were ready for a child. and now that we are - both ready & pregnant - it seems as if she's entered her worst nightmare.

    i agree with you when you say it's all in her head. i feel the same way. i think she's insane for trying to miscarry. and her reasons for wanting to have such a tragic thing happen to a tiny miracle are absurd. to me, it seems as if she truly believes there is something wrong with our child. she keeps telling me "mother's intuition," but i believe it's her depression talking.

    as for therapy. she used to go, way before we met. she's lived a difficult life. or so i gather from what she opens up to me about. my wife is like a wall most of the time when it comes to talking about herself. i'd go into more detail, but i feel like i'm rambling on. as for therapy, she stopped. she even went off her lexapro because she said it was making her feel worse. she attempted suicide once. it landed her in a pshyciatric ward for a week. she said it was the best vacation she ever had & she often asks me if i could send her back for another week. i told her she can't live life in a hospital, nor can she live it lying in bed all day. getting her to wake up & out of the house is a chore in itself.

    she refuses to get help again. she said therapists are pointless. they're the perfect liars because it's so easy to trust them & yet, they don't care much about what's outside your wallet. i told her she just hasn't found the right doctor. of course, i'm wrong.

    i guess what i'm asking for is the impossible. i want her to get help, but in order to do such a thing, she's going to have to allow others in. if she isn't willing to, there's no hope.
  4. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, fathers don't really have many rights until the baby is born, so legally, there might not be anything you can do to protect your wife and the baby. You might be able to have her put in a hospital under observation where they would force her to eat and take care of herself, but I don't know if you want to take it that far.

    I know there is such a thing as post-pardum depression, and I would be willing to bet that there is also such a thing as depression while one is actually pregnant. Her hormones are going nuts right now, and it might just be a matter of taking the right medication. If you talk to her OBGYN about it, he will probably be able to prescribe her with something. I know you say she won't take medication, but if she is willing to starve herself, it may be worth a shot to try and get her to take something.

    I would talk to her doc and ask him what your options are. He or she has probably dealt with something like this before and he can probably give you some literature regarding this. Also try googling pregnancy depression and see if you can find anything about this. If you can show her something that can help explain her feelings, she may calm down and start taking better care of herself. Please keep us posted!
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