I fear I'm an addict

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by M84, Sep 1, 2014.

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  1. M84

    M84 Active Member


    I smoke green to help temporarily with anxiety but long term it gives me panic attacks. I drink so I can calm my nerves.

    In the last seven years, I've tried many medications. Some help temporarily but end up fading.

    I've always dreaded being an "addict". Everything I do is to calm my nerves. I'm not looking for the best high or the greatest trip. I just want to feel ok.
    Everything is a burden. Friend wants to hang out? Oh god, I have no fuel for my car. My car might break down. It's really hot outside, I'd sweat. I don't want to leave my room.

    If I were physically comfortable (no tremors, tics(voluntary ocd movements), fear or dread, I would be much more functional. I'm barely able to type right now without experiencing germaphobia from my keyboard.
    I can't sit calmly without flexing/tensing every muscle in my body.

    I've been grinding my teeth so I purchased a night-guard. This morning I found it completely chewed up in multiple pieces on my bed. I ate the fucking night guard in my sleep.

    It seems my doctor is too scared to give me any medication. I feel like I'm a liability to him. I'm on several non-controlled antidepressants/anxiety meds. I feel like he's just giving me crap so he doesn't have to worry about me being a problem.

    Apologies, as I am drinking right now. It's either I drink or slam my head into walls/tables/concrete. I have self-destructive tendencies. My brain is torturing me.

    I just want someone to tell me it's going to be alright. I know it won't be alright but I'm so alone..

    Have you experienced this? Did you feel the same way I am now?

    Please tell me it gets better
  2. Ima.robot

    Ima.robot R2D2

    I think many people who abuse substances are the anxious type.. Id say most if not all of these people are using to 'medicate' something whether it be anxiety or depression..
    I would also think thank being sober long term would help a lot with anxiety, thought for sure it would take some time(probably weeks-months)

    Personally I dont like labeling people addicts, but the terms dont matter.. Its if your use has become unmanageable and you use even when there are priorities that should be coming first. I cant say if things will be alright, but dont be too hard on yourself and if you try being sober for a while there is always the option to go back to drinking and smoking. Though I bet the real benefites of being sober take a while to come, and the hard part is giving it enough time to decide if its right for us.. I struggle with this.. Anyways all the best :)
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    I've read your post 2-3 times. I can certainly see you are really trying to better your life . I have seen it over and over again, people self medicating, smoking green, drinking alcohol-end result is usually more or less always the same. More paranoid, anxious, helpless, depressed. BUT YOU CAN CHANGE IT AND THINGS CAN GET BETTER SO NO GIVING UP.

    My opinion here I think you should book a consultation with your doctor, explain that you do not want to be an addict but feel you don't see any other choice because of your circumstances, now here's the thing.... be brutally honest about taking non- prescription drugs, green and the alcohol. That way they will see you really do want actual help and not something to get you high. Doctors these days have to watch closely as to who is really suffering and someone who is looking to get high. So being entirely honest is the best way, and ask if they can put a plan in place for you and the thing you both sign, that way you won't be a liability to the practice. Just be honest ask for help explain everything or write it down.

    NO giving up!

    Please do this, I bet if you don't do this or something similar to this you will later regret. Now is the time. And we are here for you too! Best of luck.
  4. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    The anxiety that you describe you're probably going to need some kind of benzodiazepine for. I'm not surprised that non-controlled medications aren't working for you. Is the reason that your doctor doesn't want to give you any controlled substances maybe because you've told him that you smoke weed and drink? If you inform a doctor of any behaviors that sound even remotely addictive, they're not going to give you anything good. And if you haven't told him/her about it, then your doctor is probably just a dick. Either way though, I would suggest finding a new doctor, and don't mention the weed or the drinking, just describe how bad your anxiety is and make sure to note all the medications you've already tried and that they don't work for you. However, if you do end up getting a benzo, don't drink alcohol with it. That could be extremely dangerous. And if you smoke weed after taking a benzo, you're going to feel a lot more than just okay, you're going to be whacked out of your mind, so if you don't want that, don't smoke weed with them either. As for the tremors and muscles, I suggest something like Flexeril and/or Propranolol. My husband has tremors really badly and taking 60mg Propranolol every day has lessened it for him a lot, and Flexeril is a muscle relaxer. You're more likely to get Flexeril from your primary doctor though, as opposed to a psychiatrist.
  5. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Buspar is another good option. Careful with the Benzo. Only take a few times a week, or you could wind up like me - addicted to the shit.

    Agreed, don't drink with a benzo (like I did)
  6. M84

    M84 Active Member

    Thank you friends for the helpful words. I have read all of them over and over. They are encouraging and wise.
    I'm now seeing a counselor, psychiatrist and physician. I'm hoping with this combination I will make better long lasting progress than before.

    I'm going with the honest approach. Lying makes me sick and I don't always remember what I lied about and to whom. I couldn't keep a story straight.
    My physician finally ended up giving me klonopin for every day and addivan (sp?) for emergency situations.

    I'm currently on a week hiatus from my job. Nearly every day I went to work I ended up crying uncontrollably until they sent me home. Even after the Klonopin it still happened.
    Honestly, I hate the addivan. It takes all emotion away except annoyance and anger. I've only taken it once so may be if I have an emergency, I'll give it another try.

    I'm still having issues with drinking while on the benzo. I'm still jittery, angsty and can't sit still. I understand alcohol will bring out the bad effects of the medicine.
    I bought stress balls and more tobacco products but I still feel the need to grasp on to something to comfort me. I just want to feel remotely comfortable. I have ocd "tics" (voluntary movements I have to repetitively perform to relieve the ocd angst)

    The medicine hasn't helped with this and it's driving me insane. If you don't understand this feeling, I can translate:

    You're itchy. All the time. The itch never stops but it can be temporarily (only seconds) relieved by performing these ritualistic movements. If I don't do the movements, the itch gets worse until it feels like I'm being tortured. Maybe compare it to chinese water torture.

    I'm trying so hard. I'm still crying but not as much. I'm still drinking but trying to decrease. I'm on so many medications. Why aren't they helping? I scream. I bite myself. I slam my head against the wall. Anything to get myself to concentrate on something else.
    I used to cut my leg when I was younger. I haven't for about 4+ years. It is so hard to keep myself from doing it again.

    I don't know why I'm just jibbering on. I just feel the need to vent and to be heard. This is so fucking hard. I hope it gets better. I can't feel this way for too much longer. Every day I wish some random event would take place that would make me no longer exist.. you know..

    Maybe I'm asking for alternatives to self harm. I hate exercising. When I get hot or overworked I faint. Agh.... I'm done for now. Thanks for reading. I'll be waiting for your replies.
  7. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Well, firstly congrats for having the courage to be honest with your doctors no matter what the outcome...that takes a lot. And honestly, in your original post you said you were afraid that you were an addict, but being honest about your issues is a very non-addict like behavior. Only reason I suggested not mentioning it is because some doctors can be overly judgmental in order to cover their ass and because of that, they don't end up helping you with shit. So, if you really needed some kind of relief for your anxiety, which it sounded like you did from the severity of it, I just brought it up as an option. But I'm glad you finally got what you needed though. I've taken both Ativan and Klonopin before...Ativan didn't work for me at all, and Klonopin worked a little too well, cause I ended up abusing it. Before I knew it, I was popping them like skittles, 7-10 a day. And they're actually a lot stronger than Ativan, so I'm kind of surprised that your doctor gave you those for every day and the Ativan for emergencies and not vice versa. But just be careful and if they're still not working for you, bring it up to your doctor.
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