I feel as If I can't cope anymore. (May be triggering and is rather long)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Sep 12, 2012.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    Now I always try and fight suicidal feelings, but right now I just don't have the energy.
    It really is because I'm just sick of school, I do hate school but it's not that, it is the fact I have an anxiety disorder which makes me terrified of other children. At 11 years old I was taken out of high school after starting for just a month because I was struggling and a suicide attempt followed shortly after.
    By 13 years old I knew that whilst I had worked through my anxiety, getting better, forcing myself to think things through before panicking, I became better at managing it. So I decided I would go back to part time high school, same school I was in at 11. I'm still at a part time school for kids with problems which I love with all my heart. I love the children there and I love my teachers and I love the atmosphere.
    But going to high school is making me feel worse. I'm a self harmer, and after my dad was murdered 2 years ago I made myself try and stop, because I promised to stop self harming. I did stop, for several months. But I had problems with a close friend which made my negative feelings worse. I used to struggle to get out of bed in the morning when I was 11-12 yrs old, now I get out and make the effort because I know I have reached the point that I can cope.
    But a part of me is sick of fighting, I just want to go asleep and not get up because I just want peace from the stress that consumes my life. I am constantly angry and I have been for many years, and I am becoming less and less interested in people who talk to me because I feel so bad because I struggle to converse with them as I used to.
    I broke my promise to my father, and I hate myself for it. It's September which is the worse month of the year. My dads birthday which just went by couple days ago, his death next week. I feel as if I'm getting punished, because the first year of my dads death on that day a man died in front of me, and I was the last thing he saw, just died looking at me. I'm a rather logical person in this sense but a part of me feels like something awful is going to happen. I have no idea what to do and there is no point in talking to family about it or teachers because it just amounts to nothing, I prefer to deal with everything alone as others who muddle into my life make it worse. But I really can't cope anymore.
    (I'm so sorry it's long :/ )
  2. Kate777

    Kate777 Well-Known Member

    Hey Ellie,

    Sorry you're feeling like this and sorry for your loss, losing someone is difficult at any age, nevermind when you've got other stuff going on as well. Your post really stuck a chord with me because I felt for a long time like I was being 'punished' or that inevitably something bad would happen, I couldn't figure out why as I would have classed myself as fairly logical as well but it was like a constant underlying feeling that I couldn't get rid of.

    What you're feeling isn't nothing and I'm sure your family or your teachers would want you to be able to talk them if you felt you could, if not could you talk to your Dr. or anyone else? It's hard when you feel like you're constantly fighting just to get through the day but you've done so well already by improving your situation and going back to school, is there an option for you to stay at the school you like rather than your old school?

    Please don't feel like you have to deal with everything alone, if ever want to talk please feel free to PM me.
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