I feel as though maybe suicide is all that's left...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TooShyToScream, Jan 25, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to do or where to turn to anymore. I don't feel like my fiance loves me lately. He says I've been mean and selfish and inconsiderate. I have Borderline/Avoidant Mixed Personality Disorder. Yes, I get irritated at things easily. Yes, I constantly take things in the most negative way possible. Yes, I blow up over what most would call "little things". And yes, a lot of things bother me that wouldn't bother most people. That's all part of my BPD...I can't help it. I do my best to think before I speak, to try to compromise, and avoid acting on my intense emotions/impulses...but I can't make it work all the time. Sometimes I just need him to cut me a break. But he never lets anything go. I still hear about stuff that happened days, weeks, and months ago.

    Today, I said something like, "Hey, I noticed that after I say something to someone (whether aloud or in text), I keep repeating it over and over again in my head, sometimes 20+ times, trying to make sure that it didn't make me sound stupid. Do you think this is more related to Social Anxiety Disorder, or OCD because of the repetitiveness?" I've been diagnosed with SAD, but not OCD, and I just wanted to get his opinion on the matter. He said, "I don't know, I sometimes repeat things in my head too, but I don't go crazy over it." That word "crazy" just stuck out to me. I felt like he was implying that I was crazy for doing that, and it offended me. And tonight he flips out saying that I should stop taking things so negatively, etc. I CAN'T HELP IT. It offended me, and all I did was say "That's kind of offensive". I didn't criticize him for it or keep going on and on about the subject. I just said how I felt, he said he didn't mean it that way, and I let it go. Did I really deserve for him to hold that against me?

    Another example, we live in PA and it's supposed to snow here on Thursday. I go to college 3 days a week, and don't drive, so he takes me to the train on those days. Thursday is one of my days I have class, and due to the snow, I kept asking questions about his car, and whether his parents can drive us since their cars are better in the snow, and how many inches of snow it'll be, etc. And he got annoyed saying I was asking too many questions and he didn't want to answer them because he didn't know. He was like "If I tell you something, and then it doesn't happen that way, you complain that I lied to you and blame me, so I don't want to answer." And that got me angry; I felt like I was being criticized, so I started getting an attitude. And then he claims I was being mean. Well what does he expect? He was being offensive, causing me to get on the defensive.

    Also certain movies that have nudity or just too much skin in them upset me because I get afraid that he's going to find another woman attractive, so I avoid watching anything with that kind of stuff in it and ask the same of him. Apparently that's begun to bother him, even though he knew I was like that from the day we met. He says I don't let him do anything he likes to do and complain about not getting enough of his love or attention all the time and everything's about me, and I don't care about him.

    And I just feel like if I'm such a bad person, why is he even with me? Why does he, supposedly, love me? And why shouldn't I just kill myself? He's my life...and him saying all these things just makes me feel even more uncared about and unloved. Thus, I'm prone to getting angry easily, and scared that he stopped loving me, which will make me get annoying and ask for love and attention to try to make those thoughts go away...which will only annoy him more. I can't win.

    I can't handle school, either. All the group work teachers make us do, with my social anxiety, just does not go over well. And dealing with people, in general, whom I hate with a passion, makes me angry. I got made fun of so much while I was in school that I despise humanity at this point. I have a bunch of things wrong with me, both mentally and physically and need to start seeing doctors again but I lost my medical insurance and getting it back requires filing an application, talking to people and asking questions... Again, not something that's easy for me. A catch-22.

    I have no one except my fiance. He's the only reason I live. I love my mom but all she does is claim my issues don't exist and they're all in my head, and I'm lazy, etc. She, too, claims I'm selfish and inconsiderate...all the while telling me she loves me and wouldn't know what to do if anything ever happened to me. If that's true, why does she have to be so mean and close-minded about everything?

    I don't feel as though I can turn to anyone right now. My fiance used to be so understanding about my issues and now he just claims that everything's about me all the time and makes me feel awful. I feel like he doesn't like me anymore and it's making me want to die. A bunch of things that he used to do earlier on in the relationship that made me feel loved, he stopped doing. And all I find myself thinking of lately is getting high and how I'm going to off myself. What can I do to make any of this better? He says I'm mean, but I think he's the one who doesn't care about me like he used to. I just want him to love me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 25, 2011
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time.

    It's tough to make relationships work for anyone, but if one or both people have strong psychological issues, it makes things even more challenging.

    Would you be able to go to relationship counseling?

    I've heard that one of the best predictors of a relationship staying together is if both people can talk about things that upset them while at the same time expressing affection.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope like stated you both can get into therapy either together or seperate to give you the coping skills needed to survive a relationship. Perhaps if you can get out some with other friends to give him some time on his own would help as well. Hugs to you
  4. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I don't have friends :/ And truthfully, I don't think relationship therapy would be a good idea. They wouldn't know what's good for us...they'd just give the standard advice their job requires them to give that I'd probably never agree with. That's assuming I had the money to pay for one in the first place.
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i really sympathize with you. one of the symptoms of your mental illness/ diagnosis is to read into what other people are saying. you need to separate out what he really means from how you are interpreting it. there is alot of miscommunication possible.

    what does your therapist say? if you don't have one you should definitely look into it. call 211 to find out about sliding scale services in your area. or check with the united way if 211 isn't available to you.
  6. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I haven't been able to see my therapist for 2 months due to lack of insurance. I can still technically call her, but that IF I actually get the courage to pick up the phone and do so. I can't talk to people on the phone, it's part of my social anxiety :( Even when I did go to therapy though, it didn't help much. My fiance says I need a good therapist who specializes in DBT to help me. I agree with him, but I don't know how to go about looking for someone like that. Plus, like I said, I need insurance first anyway. We need to wait until we both have the same day off from school and work to be able to go and take care of that, and the weather has to be decent because his car sucks in the snow. Weather's been crappy lately though. It just seems like something always stands in the way of getting it done. Not that I'd be too excited about it even if we did get the chance to. I'd be scared because I'd have to talk to people (not that I wouldn't do it because of that, but I'd just have bad anxiety about it). So, I'm screwed regardless of which angle you look at it from, really.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 26, 2011
  7. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to think :( This morning he was different. I went to bed last night at like 2 am after writing that post and sticking around on the forum for a bit. He wakes me up to say goodbye before he goes to work and says "I'm sorry for being mean yesterday, you know I love you and need you. What were you doing on the computer? My mom said you were crying last night...What was wrong? Are you okay?...etc." And I just wanted to make peace, so I didn't make a big deal out of it, just said that I was just a little sad and lonely last night, blah blah, didn't want to bother you...everything's fine...

    But it really wasn't fine. I was crying on and off the entire night. I didn't think his mom heard me, but apparently she did. I sincerely wanted to die. I wasn't okay in the slightest and I needed him. But he was asleep and not wanting to be bothered. I felt like he hated me. But since he apologized, I feel like I need to just let it go. If I say something like "No, I wasn't okay, you should've been there for me, etc.", it'll probably just make him feel the need to defend himself and piss him off and then no one will be happy. So, it's like what do I do? :( No matter what I say, I don't think he'll ever fully understand some of the things I do and feel. He'll think I'm being attention-seeking, selfish, annoying, etc. and thus, won't help me every time I need it. That's just how it's going to be, and I guess if I love him I need to forgive him for it and find other ways to help myself.

    But the whole transition from how I felt last night to how I feel now is just difficult to go through. I mean, having BPD, last night I felt completely hated and uncared about. Now that he apologized, I feel hopeful and cared about again. But it's hard to know what to trust when such abrupt changes happen in the course of a few hours. I find the question of "So, does he hate me or does he love me?" circling in my head. Because his actions showed both to me. :unsure:
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i know all about the circles but i'd say he loves you. he just doesn't know what to say or do sometimes. it's true of all of our partners when we are living with a mental illness. it's hard on them. but it's hard on us, too. just keep trying to communicate. be as honest as you can and try your best. keep trying with the insurance, too. i know you hate making the calls, me too. but it will be worth it.
  9. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I will keep trying, for now. I'm just getting tired of dealing with everything :/ I don't even know what's worth it and what isn't at this point.
  10. DeAdwOrLD

    DeAdwOrLD Well-Known Member

    This may sound obvious, but if your fiancé is the only reason you live, you are making yourself very vulnerable. What if something goes wrong between you and him? I mean have you thought about the possiblity any relationship can potentially fall apart for whatever reason?

    My gf is concerned about me. She probably thinks I don't love her anymore. It is leading to more tension and suspicion etc cos she doesn't know Im suicidal -that I want to leave this world forever. So just be careful about worrying about what he might do or what he thinks cos you may be way off the mark, you know?
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.