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i feel ashamed

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by theladthatlovedyou, Jan 30, 2008.

  1. i've been wondering lately, about how straight i am. thinking about being with a guy maybe. i love women, and can't really see myself in a relationship with a man, but the idea kind of turns me on and it's freaking me out. just having these thoughts makes me feel guilty- is that normal? i'm not just asking if it's normal to feel guilty, but is it normal to sometimes have those thoughts in the first place?

    i was talking to a friend of mine last night (met her through SF) and she made me feel a lot better about it, she said that maybe i was just frustrated due to some problems with women as of late. but now that feeling of security i got from talking to her is gone. i haven't been raised anti-gay, but i have been raised straight, if that makes any sense.

    i don't know why i'm writing this on here, i guess i just want to hear something comforting. after i talked to her last night, i couldn't get the idea out of my head, and even though she made me feel better when i opened up to her and told her how i was feeling, it made me feel worse later. if anyone has anything to say on this, i'm all ears.
  2. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Lots of guys have "thoughts" about other guys, it's no big deal and very common among young men, straight or gay.

    I doesn't make you gay, there can be lots of reasons for it, frustration, the idea of doing something different, all linds of things, or just the mind wondering.

    It is very common, especialy for younger guys, don't worry about it

    It has no hidden secret meaning

    It definately doesn't make you gay, if you decide to act on, that still doesn't have to mean you are gay, I'm gay and as a younger man fooled around with a few guys in school, most of which are now happily marries men

    Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of, don't worry aboout it
  3. how can i not worry about it? i'd be alienated by my family, my mom and dad would never look at me the same, everything would be different with me and my friends- i'm already lonely, depressed, fucking suicidal. i can't deal with any more desertion, or any more judgment.
  4. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    I'm a gay man, I have always been a gay man, will always be a gay man.

    I have just come out to my friends and family (apart from my dad) in the last year

    How old am I ?


    Every one, I have told has been really great about it, my brother, who has always been very close to me, was not happy, it took him a while to get used to the idea, but anyone that means anything to me has only ever wanted me to be happy, even the guys I work with that I have told have been great.

    To say I was scared as a young man would be an understatement, my dad is tuely homaphobic and mum had her moments to, the fear of that rejection, made me put my life on hold for the next 25 years, I was the good son, I dated a few girls, even slept with one or two, but over the years, the pain living like that caused me, just never went away, so what did I gain from all those years of guily and shame, nothing, nothing at all.

    So here I am at the grand old age of 41, doing what I should have done when I was 17, being the person I have always known I am, a gay man, anyone that is important to me now knows that and if they really do care about you, they might not like it straight away, but they will accept it and still like you for who you are, not who you sleep with.

    If it doesn't work out that way, then thats their loss not yours, you can always make new friends, gay friends if that's what you want, it's not that simple I know, but it really doesn't have to be the end of the world, putting if off, in the long run, just made the pain you are feeling now, last a long long time for me.

    Reguardless of how things turn out for me, good or bad, my one regret is that I didn't do this years and years ago, when I knew I should have, but was just to scared to come out.
  5. daytona0

    daytona0 Active Member

    It was weird but I was also brought up 'straight' (as apposed to homophobic) but my parents have always made them sort of 'jokes'. After accepting that i was definately bi it took a lot to tell my family. The reaction, despite them being homophobic at times, was not alienated. I think i realised then that if people like you for who you are then sexuality does not matter. Of course there are some homophobic shits in the world *cough* shirley phelps *cough*but i wouldn't want to be within 10 miles of them.

    There shouldn't be any pressure right now to tell anyone about your feelings. Admitting your bi/gay is a big step in one's life which shouldn't be taken if you have doubts. Every guy in the world has almost certainly had the same feelings towards another guy, because in the simplest form the difference between females and males are simply the sexual organs - and we develop feelings for those with a good personality and who are attractive (qualities found in both genders).
  6. i'm not sure if it's the right thing to do, but i met a guy online and tomorrow night i'm gonna see if it's for me. i already feel like it is, i just want to prove it to myself, i guess. maybe i'm wrong, i keep looking for ways to make my depression go away. anything, a woman, now even a man. after deciding to contact a guy and do this, i've been so hopeful that maybe me hiding these feelings has been the reason for my depression that for the last couple days i've been feeling great. i just know that if this doesn't make it better that i'll hate myself even more. maybe i'm just nervous. and no matter what you all say, i still don't feel like i could ever tell anyone about this- at least, anyone i know or who is close to me. i just hate what i am. just want to be normal.
  7. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Things are really hard for you right now, the thoughts you are having are clouding your view of the world, honestly they are, I was like that for a long time, better days will come along and suddenly what seemed like this huge massive thing, just won't be that much a deal to you any more, it might take a while, but it will happen, just try not to judge yourself by other peoples standards.

    You are your own person, in your own right, it might sound silly, but try and think about how you feel about it, deep down inside, you personaly, not all the rubbish that other people have filled your head with, honestly if your are gay, accsepting that as a part of who you are can be a massive weight off your shoulders, but don't rush into things, take your time, try to relax a little and not think about it 24/7, getting stressed will only make things seem worse than they are.

    If you don't want to tell any one then don't, wait till you are ready and comfortable enough to know that is what you really want in a realtionship, another guys that is, if you meet someone and that person lights up your world, makes every day things seem special, then it doesn't really matter if that person is a guy or a girl, not really, but you have to come to terms with that idea and be comfortable with it on a personal level, if its what makes you happy on the inside, once you can do that, other peoples oppinions really wont matter as much to you as you might think.

    Take care, I feel for you, I really do, having been there I know how hopeless, distressing and confusing it can be to have a heart full of desires and a head full of all the bullshit you pick up as a child about being gay, it tore me apart on the inside for years and years, you shouldn't have to go through that, no one should.

    Hang on in there, it will get better, you are a good person, no one or thing can change that, live your life for you, what you want, what you need, don't waste time trying to live other peoples dreams of what you think they would want your life to be, again it sounds stupid, but its your life, you have to live it every day, not them, so why not give your self a little slack and see where it goes.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 1, 2008
  8. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Don't feel ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed off. Gay, straight, bi-sexual, it's all part of human nature.
    I understand that even being associated with the word gay brings alot of stigma.

    If you feel you can't tell anyone about this then don't. There's no pressure to. Take it easy and at your own strides.
  9. since you have all been so helpful, talking me through this, and it has helped a lot, i think you deserve to know how i chickened out last night. i just couldn't go through with it. i really wanted to, really really wanted to, but after a while i texted him and told him i couldn't make it. i feel terrible now. i was talking to that friend of mine on here and she helped me a lot, told me that it was ok and i just wasn't ready. i don't think i'll ever be ready, at this point. i feel like i'm going to have to hide this for the next 25 years (like you, Fatman1966). just like i guessed, i feel worse, feel like a fake now. and i know i let him down too, feel like i've let everyone down who was so nice and helpful here.
  10. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Don't be daft, you got scared thats all, you didn't let anyone down.

    Take your time, there is no rush, I really don't think running away and hiding is the way to go, been there done that, but its up to you, you know how you feel, what you are comfortable with, meeting random guys for sex is not what I would call an easy way to find out if you are gay or not anyway.

    Way too much pressure

    Not sure how things are where you live, but really do try and give yourself a break, as hard as it may be try and come to terms with how you feel on a personal level first, I know it's difficult, really difficult, but try.

    Here is an thought I had the other day, my parents, mostly may dad, where very homophobic when I was kid, the had very negative, narrow minded, almost biggotted views, which was all very high and mighty coming from 2 people that didn't even know any gay people, but I wasn't like that, I was more of a live and let live type person, after all I am gay, so I'm all too well aware of what it's like to be made to feel badly about who you are by people you have never even met. So there I am living my life, single, alone, lonely, hurting on the inside, following a set of rules dear old mum and dad gave me, but they were stupid homophobic rules, how stupid is that, a gay man treating himself and behaving in an almost homophobic way ! that made me almost as bad as them, I would never treat anyone else like that, so why on earth did I treat myself like that for so long, I am a very easy going person, what I was doing was hanging on to all the crap that I had grown up with and applying it to myself, yet never in a million years would I ever make someone else feel like that, because I know how much it hurts !

    Realising that for me, was a pretty big step and took a long long time, I'm not my parents and i don't share their views, so why on earth was I living my life by them !
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 3, 2008
  11. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :arms: Brian, it's something you need to feel comfortable before you can go through with it. You haven't let anyone down, I'm around if you want to talk.
  12. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    You're just a little bi curious, thats all. Doesn't mean you are gay.

    A LOT of guys have atleast thought about how it would be like, myself included.

    Unfortuantly I think your location, one of the more conservative states in the U.S probably makes you feel guilty when you shouldn't feel guilty at all.
  13. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    Texas isn't very gay friendly.... but you'll make it even if you are bi/gay.