I Feel Awful

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Andyanne, Jul 27, 2016.

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  1. Andyanne

    Andyanne New Member

    I don't know what to do or who to talk to, because I don't have the strength to burden my friends with my problems, especially when there's nothing they can do to help me.

    I haven't taken my usual meds in rougly 36 hours because my prescription was late so my usual issues with depression are kicking in and kicking in hard.

    I hate myself so much right now. I don't understand why my friends put up with me or why my boyfriend even dates me.

    I'm lazy, I'm stupid, I'm constantly broke because I spend money I don't have even though I lnow I shouldn't. I'm not a good friend and I'm definitely not a good daughter. I can't find a job because I rarely put the effory in to look. I've been unemployed for almosy a year now, applying for anything and everything I can just to generate a source of income but whatever's wrong with me that keeps getting me passed over for even shortlisted I can't figure out beyond clearly even on paper I am a completely pathetic specimen.

    I'm in debt, I don't have the willpower or money to take up any volunteer work and the only highlight in my life is seeing what few friends can tolerate me. I keep secrets. I lie. And right now I can't think of any good reason to keep going except that the sheer effort to do anything to end my life would be too much effort, and I'm not so far gone to think that it wouldn't upset at least a few people.

    I don't know what I expect from random strangers who have no reason to read this shit or even care, but I don't know what else to do besides get everything out on an anonymous platform.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum.

    Your friends and boyfriend, can you ask them to write you a list of things they lke about you.

    Keep looking for jobs. Do you have a lot of experience??
  3. Andyanne

    Andyanne New Member

    I could ask, but I don't know if it would help. I worked for over a year as a volunteer receptionist fresh out of school one day a week. I quit to go work at a call centre, but I barely made it past the training period because I hate every minute of it, being a purely telesales job. After that I went back to college to get an IT qualification because I know computers. I went for an IT apprenticeship at a college so I could get some experience and another qualification. I became really depressed after nearly a year because of the low pay and 4 hour round trip travel every day, and moved on before I finished there to work at an IT company. I had a lot of relationship troubles around then that caused more depression but I stuck with it until a particularly bad experience with a bitchy customer, whereupon the combined stress got to me. They decided to extend my probationary period, and around that time I fought with my cheating boyfriend, he dumped me, I attempted to kill myself and I took a month or so sick leave from the job to get my shit together.
    Since things had been going downhill, I wasn't suprised when they fired me not even a day after being back.

    I've been looking for work ever since, and I can't even get an interview despite being told time and time again how great I am, how confident and knowledgable I am in person and on the phone.
  4. booklovr

    booklovr Well-Known Member

    Hey andy,
    I'm kriti...and I sincerely hope this place helps you.
    First I completely get what you mean.self hate yup that's me.
    You have GOT to STOP judging yourself ever so hard..cut yourself some slack..hi e yourself some credit...
    You think your friends are dumb?...no.
    You have them.. You have him because you... You as a person are worth it.
    You don't have to do anything or achieve anything to be worth it...
    They see in you qualities rare as diamonds but ironically underrated...they see you and like you as a person.
    Sit and think of the things that you love...people pets books that have been there for you.. These are the things that make life worth living.
    I know it's hard...surviving g each day..but life is hard .... And when it fucks you up instead of saying why me? Try saying try me. If you can change this attitude and take life as it comes..keep dodging the bullets you'll see you made it through..
    Be strong hun.
    People here at SF are kind and understand... You will find help. And taking helps it helps a lot.. So if you can't face your friends yet you are welcome to the chats of the forum...
    Be strong and take care.
  5. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid We either find a way, or make one. SF Supporter

    Welcome to SF. Its one good thing about this place, random strangers do care about this shit and do want to read it and then they want to offer help and support. Amazing really.

    Its vital you keep taking your meds, they keep you more stable and hopefully help prevent you from feeling the way you do about yourself. I know if I miss my meds, which I am prone to do, because my memory is shit, then my thoughts and emotions are a lot harder to deal with and control. My meds now come in a weekly package, split into days and times I need to take my meds in the hope it helps me take them when I should!!

    You can lie all you like here, I doubt it will achieve much though. Its far better to be open and honest and then hopefully members can help support you in ways that are, well, helpful. So hang around, read, post, chat, get to know some of us and maybe, just maybe, we can share the load a little.
  6. Andyanne

    Andyanne New Member

    It's hard to fight the urge to judge myself. Everyone else around me seems so successful. My boyfriend's at Uni, most of my friends have stable, well-paying jobs and in general they just seem to have all their shit together, whereas I can't even get any kind of work. I've edited my cv three different times, three different people have advised me how it should look and yadda yadda but I've never got so much as a call back about any of it.

    It's so hard to see the good in myself when literally everyone else I know is doing far better than me with what seems like no effort.

    It seems to get harder and harder to do anything as time passes, with nothing to really look forward to or to strive for.

    Thank you very much for the kind words though, I really appreciate it.
  7. Andyanne

    Andyanne New Member

    I'm usually good about taking my meds, especially now they come labeled 'morning and night' haha. This particular time I even remembered to order my repeat on time, but I couldn't pick them up myself and had to ask my mum if she was going that way at all today so that she might be able to get them on her way to other stuff.

    I mostly lie to friends and family about money. For example I recently bought myself a hat online. I shouldn't have, I really can't afford it, and when the time comes that people ask, I will tell my family that a friend bought it me and my friends that my family bought it, because I'm ashamed of my bad money habits.

    The one thing I've always been honest about is my feelings and my mental issues. Thanks for replying, I appreciate that you took the time.
  8. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid We either find a way, or make one. SF Supporter

    No worries, thats what we are here for, to listen/read and try and be supportive.

    I did some retail therapy at ASDA last week. Not that I could afford to, it just felt the right time to "treat" myself. The polo shirt was great, the trainers fit like a glove and the 2 t shirts are fine for bumming around/casual, so why not.
  9. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    Must have been some hat, lol
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