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I feel awful

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fail, Jun 16, 2011.

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  1. Fail

    Fail Member

    Good day everybody

    I don't feel very good at all. In fact I feel really awful, I feel miserable and I don't feel like I'm worth living, I feel like a liability to everything and everyone.

    I eat too much sugar, but that is one of my lesser problems. I have failed university twice and now because of the system they prohibit me to come back. There are no alternatives (there is one but they are almost not worth it because it doesn't really give me a advantage when looking for work) which means I will have to get a job.
    What upsets me the most is how it makes me feel ignorant and dumb. You hear so much talking about people on the internet and in real life graduating yet I cannot succeed. I already had almost no self-confidence but now I just can't take it anymore. I can't stand people not taking me seriously or disrespecting me and considering me dumb, I never wanted this.

    Another thing that confuses me so much is how I actually don't really want to study. My parents forced me to do it because "I seemed like a smart person" and because of a better future for me or something of that nature. The thing is I feel so indifferent towards any education and I feel demotivated, I never liked studying in the first place.
    Not that I have to worry about it anymore considering I blew it but I'm not even sure if I know myself that well, if at all. I feel like I've disappointed everybody including myself and it will haunt me for the rest of my life and it really hurts. I don't even know who I am.

    I don't even have any friends or someone to fall back on, I don't feel like my parents are good for talking about my problems, I tried several times but it always backfired because they don't understand me or my brother feels the need to harass me again and uses what I said in the past as an argument. That really hurts.
    I never was much of a people's person but sometimes it's really hard to keep going but this is a moment I'm not sure I will overcome.

    I wouldn't mind seeing a psychologist but I cannot afford it at all without a job and there's no way my parents would pay that for me, they'd call me crazy if I ever told me anything about this and my brother would just use it to mock me again. Doing it in secret could work but I don't have the money.

    It's just that I feel so unworthy of anything, at this point I feel like everyone is better and/or smarter than me. It's really ironic because I for some strange reason always want to be the best at something but always fail. It still hurts though.

    All of this can easily be solved by simply hanging myself, but I doubt I even have the courage for that.

    I just wanted to vent, I feel a little better now. But I don't know what direction I should take, I've been wandering aimlessly for my whole life.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    University isn't for everyone. And that doesn't mean that you're dumb; you can still be a very intelligent person, yet not want to continue on to university. It's a tough one for parents to accept, because I know when I stopped going to college, my parents weren't happy with me at all. But if you truly don't want to study or be there, I think the best thing to do is try to find alternatives, something that you do want to do. Have you done any job searching to see if there's anything available?
  3. Caster

    Caster Well-Known Member

    Don't feel like a failure for not really having the desire to study; completing college isn't necessarily a marker for success. In fact, there are many people who have graduated from college that are having a hard time finding a degree in their field. In fact, it took me until just recently to find a job in my field. Also, there are people like Bill Gates and the guy who started Tumblr that dropped out of college. Hence, going to college and/or completing it is not necessarily a measure of success and it is definitely not a measure of intelligence. Perhaps you have some special skills?

    If people think you're smart then I'm sure you are. There's plenty of ways to make money, including possibly starting a business of your own. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I'm sure plenty of people here can relate to you.

    And welcome to SF:).
  4. Fail

    Fail Member

    I haven't done any job searching yet but I'll probably do that soon enough.
    I don't think I have many alternatives though, my only option is probably work.

    Thanks for the welcome. I do not think I have any special skills I know of. What I do know is that I am an avid reader though.
    Come to think of it, I would love a job as a librarian or someone who works in a bookstore. I'd try to aim for those jobs but actually becoming one of those two will be a tough task, especially a librarian. I'd imagine there's no real demand for them.

    Should I contact a psychologist when I have the money? I have a feeling I need someone I can trust in real life.
  5. Constantinos

    Constantinos Well-Known Member

    I would fully recommend to you to contact a psychologist, having a person that you can trust is extremely important.

    I've read through your first post and i've seen a couple of things which i would also like to comment on:

    I can understand what you would feel from this, when you want to talk to your parents tell to your parents that you want to talk to them privately.

    I want you to consider the following sentence that i wrote:

    Suicide is not the solution, you may think that by suiciding you will be relieved from pain, relief is a feeling and you need to be alive in order to be able to feel. You will not feel this relief once you take your life.
  6. Pip28

    Pip28 Well-Known Member

    I failed at uni, not because I was to dumb but because I just wasn't intrested at that time in my life which is common for alot of people, at that time I felt really low so I spoke to my maths teacher who was a huge role model to me and he told me this story -
    A friend of his was driving home at 9 o'clock on a friday night after a long day at work (he was some top guy working in a bank) on his way to his million pound house driving a brand new merc wearing an expensive suit, as he stopped at traffic lights, he looked over to see some kid in a knackered 20 year old mini blasting music with a huge smile on his face and was so jealous he went home, packed his bags, quit his job and left.
    Now I have no idea if this story was true but it made me think that education and living upto what people expect me to be may not work out and I have never since, you can only find happiness in what you want and it may be a while until you find what that is, the trick is not falling into what anyone else wants
  7. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Greetings fail - and I wish we were meeting in better circumstances but - it is what it is and we have to deal with it.

    A lot of parents push children into education - rather than try and make it enjoyable. On one hand its good your parents care enough about you - but on the other hand not everyone is meant to be an academic - plus many of us are late bloomers when it comes to education many due to not taking well to school perhaps.

    Do not feel like you have let people down - my suspicion is that you actually need time out of academia - as you say - you barely know yourself - and the greatest lesson of all in life is knowing who we are and what makes us tick. Sometimes work gives us that - it gives us the chance to part of something - as in you'd be another worker. Sometimes jobs which seem boring can liberate you because you have 8 hours of each day taken care of and it feels good to get your own wage. I can honestly say I've felt fantastic just brushing up. All my problems condensed into the mere act of sweeping rubbish off a floor. I've had a few varied jobs but also occupied my time when unemployed - learnt new skills off my own back as all you need is some instructional video and your going to pick things up - and are able in the case of computer skills, to practice what you learn.

    I'm in my late forties - never been to uni and don't think I'm a failure. After all we do not need everyone to go to uni and nor does a degree guarantee a job or a good wage.

    I know street cleaners who have earned great wages with overtime.

    When I was working on construction in London, I knew my wage was on a par with many who dressed up in the finest suits. My workmates were earning more than many professionals with ease.

    Maybe you could go into business for yourself - again no degree is needed if you are going to work for yourself. A man who runs his own small business - he or she needs no degree to 'prove' they are fit for the job.

    A degree in computer maintenance means nothing when someone puts on a table a dusty 15-yr-old computer that the owner wants fixing.

    Few musicians who make a living have degrees (save classical perhaps)

    What is there is life which really does interest you - raise some passion in you and so on? Have you neglected other talents you have because they seemed less practical than academic ones?

    Bear in mind many people will work and regain an interest for some academic dabbling. There are many online courses you can take - and depending on what job you take up - it is often possible to complete an education in any spare time in work. I know someone who worked as a security guard - passed exams using his night shift as a night school. Also wrote a book.

    It is easier to socialise in work situations - it can be a place to let off steam or to jest about with fellow workers. Sometimes the working day can be quite enjoyable when you work in a job many would turn a nose down at.

    Anyhow, put away any thoughts of suicide - you tried your best I'm sure to pass exams but were not ready and maybe you were following someone else's path and not your own. You should thank your folks for what they have done - but reassure them that you do not intend to let a failure set you back - and that we all have to move on now - university is over for the time being and tell them you just want some honest work.

    They will be happy to accept things - especially when you tell them that you think you might be a late bloomer in education and will get a degree at some later point. For now - work would be good for you, the 'stress' there is a lot different than university. There is nothing to prove - plus you have no initiation ceremony which involves dressing up and doing something gross in public.

    Good luck - and I hope you follow your own path. In the meantime, any job would do really - its just killing those 8 hours of the day. Work is generally good for mental health - because unemployment often leaves you with no routine - no structure - no order!

  8. Fail

    Fail Member

    I would first of all thank the people who take the time to listen and talk to me. This is the very first time I've actually told this story to someone.

    I guess talking to my parents is an option but I've done it before in the past and it didn't work out well. They'd tell me it's just my hormones or I'm hallucinating. They could be right but I also feel that's just ignoring the problems.

    I guess that's one way to look at suicide. I just don't want to be in my current situation anymore and sometimes I think death is the only viable and the easiest solution.

    I'm glad somebody has been in the same boat as me. I also believe I failed not because of my intellignce but because I was not motivated enough and because I was not doing it for myself but for the others.

    I'm not sure how believable that story is but I guess it could happen. Don't have much to say about it to be honest. Happiness above status but at this point I have neither and that upsets me.

    I see what you mean... but you are implying I have another chance at university which I do not have at all right now... I don't feel like there are any alternatives right now, well there's night school but I've heard it doesn't give you much of an advantage at all when looking for a job so it doesn't sound like a good idea to me. Doesn't sound like it's worth doing for 3 years.
    That could be different in your country though, I see you live in the UK, I'm from the Netherlands.

    If I may ask, what is your current job right now?

    Even with the kind words here, I still feel like I'm a lowlife... don't get me wrong, I am not (or do not think I am) someone who's judgemental. Whether you are an academic or not I will respect you as long as the respect is mutual but I feel like the majority of sociey and its people do not share the same vision and it makes me feel inferior. I don't understand why people have to look down on each other for whatever reason. Is it because I understand so little about humans or because I am naive?

    I also can't shake the feeling I disappointed everyone, myself, my family, even my teachers. Dear god, if I ever come across anyone of my former teachers and ask me what I do know, my heart would probably break. They'll probably end up being disappointed.

    I don't really know how I feel... the kind words here make me feel better but when I analyse the situation again I sometimes have this somewhat cold feeling in my heart, as if something is stinging it.

    Maybe it's the cafeine, I think I drink too much of it and that's probably causing my mood swings.
    I just hope I will ever find happiness.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 16, 2011
  9. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    It’s great that you are not judgemental, but it seems that you might be judging against yourself. You know you are not a “lowlife“. Also, it would be helpful if you can ignore others’ judgements or opinions about you as well. Nobody can make you feel inferior unless you allow them to (by agreeing with their judgements or opinions). (Actually in this regard, our society is sick, not you...)

    You may want to search your heart and find out what you really want to do. You may not have an advantage with a night school education in looking for a job, but knowledge is strength. If you know what you really want to do, a night school education in that area can help you with the knowledge you need. When you do get an opportunity for a related job, you will have what it takes to do the job.

    Your character can be an asset to any employer if you can build yourself up by staying strong (finding strength to overcome difficulties and live) and always do your best and not worry about the rest…

    Our own trust in ourselves is very important. You know you are not ignorant or dumb. We cannot control how others treat us, but we do not have to be put down by others no matter what they do or say…

    You know that you have what it takes to go through life. You will see how amazing life is, regardless of our education, occupation, etc…

    With loving wishes and hugs :hug:
  10. Constantinos

    Constantinos Well-Known Member

    We are always here to help you!

    Try to plan what and how you will talk to your parents so they can understand what you feel, maybe you can write down the conversation on paper - try to reveal as many things as you want and can.

    I can understand your feeling that death is the only solution, that's how i felt until i won this over.

    The important thing to remember is that whatever happened it can be dealt with. It might sound easy to say and difficult to get it done, I understand this feeling but believe me it's not as hard as it sounds it is.

    I can understand this feeling as well, you feel disappointed from yourself - a lot of people don't finish school and don't finish university. The fact that you finished school is very important and very positive, there are loads of universities that i am sure will accept you.

    You will find the happiness that you are looking for, have a look at the bottom of my signature in these forums as well - "fight and you will achieve what you deserve". You deserve happiness and you will achieve happiness.
  11. Fail

    Fail Member

    I'm not so sure about universities accepting me, it's not how it works in my country and frankly, I don't think I have the motivation and will to do it...
  12. Constantinos

    Constantinos Well-Known Member

    If you want to say, where do you live?

    Regarding the motivation to actually find another university, i can understand that you currently don't have it.

    You said you failed university twice, i want to work on this and see what went wrong. As such i have another question for you, did you study something that you wanted?
  13. Fail

    Fail Member

    I live in the Netherlands.
    We have this kind of system with learning credits, if you have below 60 credits because of too many mistakes (in my case) there's a very good chance the university will simply refuse you. I feel like I lost this one and I'm fighting a losing battle. I've heard it's really hard to get an education on university again, almost to the point where you will need inside connections but I don't have any.
    Besides even if they accept me (low chance of that happening), I have to pay more and my parents don't want to support it financially (understandably). So I will need a job either way.

    As for my studies, I tried to study linguistics, I didn't like that at all.
    Now I'm ironically studying psychology and I can't say I like it much either.

    The thing is, I don't see anything that really interests me at all. What do I like? I don't know what I want, which is why I feel like I don't know myself at all because I have so many contradicting or counter-productive charistics it's really upsetting.
  14. Constantinos

    Constantinos Well-Known Member

    Thanks for taking time to explain how the system works in Netherlands, if you don't mind i will look into this in more depth tomorrow.

    So up to now you don't like linguistics and psychology - that's understandable to not like some subjects.

    I think i will assign you with some work to do :) - remember that its up to you if you want to answer these questions.

    - I'm interested to find out why you chose linguistics at first and why you didn't like it at the end.
    - I'm interested to find out why you chose psychology and the reasons you don't like it.
    - I would like you to go back to when you were in school and think of the subjects you liked from there and if you can also put some reasons of why you liked the subjects that you liked
    - I would like you to also brainstorm a bit in your brain what jobs you can see yourself doing in the future.

    That should also use up some of your time also, and i'll be here to discuss these tomorrow!
  15. Constantinos

    Constantinos Well-Known Member

    And by the way you don't need to feel bad if you can't get yourself to do this task, i will fully understand if you aren't able to complete this!
  16. Fail

    Fail Member

    - Because I like reading, my languages were pretty decent and pretty much all of my other subjects involving math was pretty poor, so I figured it was the right direction to take.
    In the end I ended up disliking it because it wasn't really what I expected it to be, too many uninteresting subjects and there was too much of a focus on your social skills, which I loathe. Some students also had trouble to accept me, so to speak but that's a minor factor.
    - I had to do something... I know it sounds pathetic but that's basically it. I figured psychology always interested me so I thought I give it a shot. It completely backfired though, I didn't like it at all but I still kept going anyway, maybe I'd like it more. Still dislike it a lot and I can't see myself becoming a psychologist or anything of that nature.
    - That's a tough one, the only thing I can say is that it really depended on the teacher. A nice teacher makes me a little motivated whereas a more harsh teacher demotivates me more. I never liked school at all, I hated it. People never liked me here as well and some could go a little far in their unacceptance. It was pretty rough, I'm almost surprised I made it out of there.
    I have to say that the subjects that involved math in any kind usually automatically bored me.
    - That's a tough one as well. I feel very indifferent towards this question and jobs in general, as in I have no real idea or direction. Though I think I would love becoming a librarian or working in a bookstore. I think I would love those jobs considering it's such a big hobby of mine.

    I hope these answers are enough for you, and thanks to everyone for trying to advise and help me out. It's been a long time since I got help or support from anyone.
  17. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    That's great. Maybe start to look for a job in a bookstore and find out what it takes to be a librarian, which can be a long term goal. Opportunities may appear if we are patient enough...give more time...
  18. Constantinos

    Constantinos Well-Known Member

    Its understandable to try a couple of subjects until you find the one that matches with you.

    Now i made some connections, you seem to have passed through a difficult time in school based on what you are saying also below which seems to have demotivated you of wanting to study and it seems to have brought up the want for you to become a psychologist. I can also see some anger in you regarding what happened while you were in school.
    What happened in school also seems to still affect you and would explain why you failed the university twice.

    Would you want to share some details on what happened while you were in school?

    I can understand that it also depends on the teacher as i had the same issue.

    Nice so working in a bookstore or as a librarian interests you - would you be able to maybe find a summer job in a bookstore or a library? It would also provide you with something to do as well as income and would make you feel autonomous.

    This would also provide you with the money needed so you can visit a psychologist.

    I am very happy to be able to help people and will continue to help people - all people deserve to receive help and support for their problems.
  19. Fail

    Fail Member

    Nothing really special... I just disliked it a lot. I always felt like a prisoner, a tool. I had no one to fall back on, there's no enjoyment in going to school.
    I also skipped school sometimes because I hated it so much. Luckily I always got away with it, no one really cared about me and I never cared about them.

    I'm pretty sure it's too late for a summer job now.
    But I guess it's my only lead right now like you and Lovebeing said.
  20. Constantinos

    Constantinos Well-Known Member

    You say you felt like a prisoner and like a tool, these words have caught my attention so i want to investigate them a bit more.

    I've researched and i'm pasting here the dictionary definitions of the word prisoner and the word tool:

    A prisoner is a person legally committed to prison as a punishment for crimes they have committed or while awaiting trial.
    A tool is a person who is controlled by others and is used to perform unpleasant or dishonest tasks for someone else.


    You also say that you had no one to fall back onto and as i understand no one to depend onto for help while you were in school. Did you have a best friend? someone you could trust more than the rest of your classmates?

    For sure you have felt demotivated to attend school.

    I believe in trying, sometimes we all think that its too late for something however we may find the perfect opportunity - so trying wouldn't be bad :)

    Of course working will help you a lot as it would make you feel autonomous and independent which are both very important.
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