How could she? How could she do that? how could she say that? How could she even THINK that!??? The most important things in my life, in that order are: 1. the cat 2. my mates and girlfriend 3. my hometown Now my fucking BEST mate, my BEST mate, for whom I'd fucking KILL if she'd ask me to. I'd fucking Jump off a bridge if that'd make her happy. I'd even fucking phone my dad if she'd ask me to.. and now SHE told me icecold that she'd kill the cat if that'd mean her ex would come back to her. She KNOWS that cat means EVERYTHING to me. The cat is everything to me. And she said she doesn't care how much that'd hurt me. If killing the cat would mean he'd come back to her she'd do it. So yeah. Good to know how much I'm worth. She says I'm her best mate. She used to say mates are more important than boyfriend. Before she met her now ex, obviously. Cos apparently now she'd hurt me immensely without caring about it, for a fucking boy. I feel so betrayed. Oh and now she comes knocking at my door, crying cos she can't sleep cos she misses him so much... She notices I'm angry and apologizes ("I didn't mean to be so mean earlier") and boom, we're back at the subject of her ex. I mean, I know she's grieving over him leaving her. but HOW COULD SHE SAY THAT!!!?? how could she even fucking THINK that.!!! She knows that cat means everything to me. She knows the cat is most important to me. She knows it!!! I would NEVER EVER even THINK about hurting (let alone) killing one of her rabbits or mice, or taking away the thing that means most to her. I wouldnt even dream about it! I feel so betrayed. But yeah I'm probably overreacting or whatever. I shouldn't be so angry, disappointed and sad over it.. but still.. this hurt. this hurt a lot. and I don't know how much time I'll need to be able to act normal to her again. I am so angry. but yeah, probably overreacting.. probably withdrawals from drugs and alcohol are helping me getting extra angry or whatever. I can't take this. My fucking BEST MATE betrayed me like that. my girlfriend is smoking pot right now. she's having fun with pot. good for her. but it hurts me. people I care about have been telling me lately how much fun they've been having getting drunk. every morning I get up I find empty cans of beer all throughout the livingroom. one of the girls from group told another one that she's going to suicide tonight. We warned her councellor, who's warned the people in the house she lives in and they'll be closely monitoring her. She's been in hospital last week cos of an overdose. WHY DOES EVERYTHING GO THIS WAY. WHAT's the fucking POINT in anything anymore. I am nothing but a futility. I'm nothing but an annoying addition to people's lifes. I'm worthless. Should just go. Then my mate can kill the cat without hurting me. Hey who knows her ex will get back together with her. my girlfriend can continue smoking pot without having to worry about what it does to me. my housemates can continue drinking and leaving the cans all over the house without having to worry about what it does to me. my groupmates from therapy can threaten to suicide without having to worry about how much that'll affect me. Not that anyone considers what it all does to me anyway. Whatever. Why not just ... whatever. Í'm lost. I need something, someone. somewhat of a proper existance. whatever. I dont knwo what aI"m blabbing now. I need alcohol, drugs, my knifes, my lighters.. Fuck the image of her face when I want to selfharm, what does it matter. Nobody thinks about me, why should I think about them. I'lm sick of doing so much for everyone. So sick of trying to become a better person for others. When nobody gives a fuck about how I'm doing.