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I feel completely defeated

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mike Meyers, Aug 17, 2007.

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  1. Mike Meyers

    Mike Meyers Member

    I don't like it, but I don't know what to do about it. I just feel totally defeated by life and I am only in my late 20s.

    I have alot of benefits in life. I have an above average IQ, good education, good family. But I just feel totally defeated mentally, like I cannot handle life. Like a setback will push me over the edge, or I cannot cope effectively.

    Again, alot of it is tied into severe trauma and abuse I experienced when I was younger. But now I just cannot handle things well.

    It reminds me of the meatloaf song when he sings about his father saying he was 'dangerous, drunk and defeated'. I feel defeated and totally inept at dealing with life.

    I seriously do not know what to do about it. I don't know who to tell or how to broach it. I just don't feel intelligent, safe or competent enough to survive if that makes sense.

    I really don't want to die. I just don't think I am competent enough to live a happy life. It is getting so bad that I'm not enjoying time with family anymore. I used to really enjoy that. I find myself spending more and more time either about to break down crying or crumbling into the fetal position.

    I guess for me (I don't know hwow to express this) but when I was seriously mentally ill I lived with my parents. No hope, no friends, no social skills, no job, no education, no chance for a better life. Then I recovered from my illness, and started college. In college I got an education, friends, social skills, hope and all that. But now college ended and I'm back with my parents. I just feel like I learned all these skills, and now its like they were totally worthless because I"m right back where I started. I don't know if I feel my growth and experience was a mirage, or if I miss it, or both.

    But I feel like a total failure again.

    I am considering just finding any job I can (assuming I can find any job) and moving out. Even if I live with 5 people in a 2 bedroom apt. I think it would be better for my self esteem than being back here. I can try to break into my field later I guess. Or try for a M.S. degree sometime.

    Now I worry that my feelings of being defeated and conquered will make me not employable. So it is a damn vicious cycle.

    I would say about 90% of my mental stress comes from being back home with my parents and being unemployed. As I learn to deal with these I will improve. But I don't know how long that'll take. If/when I find a good job, move to another town, and set up a social life there I think my suicidal ideation will go into remission again. I just need to figure out a plan to achieve that.

    Again, my life has been odd and things affect me differently. I just cannot handle all of this alone anymore.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 17, 2007
  2. Barbados

    Barbados Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure whether this will help, but seeing as this has no replies maybe you should just try and get as far away from where you are for a short period of time to reflect in a place that isn't bringing you down... Sorry If that seems stupid...
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