I don't like it, but I don't know what to do about it. I just feel totally defeated by life and I am only in my late 20s. I have alot of benefits in life. I have an above average IQ, good education, good family. But I just feel totally defeated mentally, like I cannot handle life. Like a setback will push me over the edge, or I cannot cope effectively. Again, alot of it is tied into severe trauma and abuse I experienced when I was younger. But now I just cannot handle things well. It reminds me of the meatloaf song when he sings about his father saying he was 'dangerous, drunk and defeated'. I feel defeated and totally inept at dealing with life. I seriously do not know what to do about it. I don't know who to tell or how to broach it. I just don't feel intelligent, safe or competent enough to survive if that makes sense. I really don't want to die. I just don't think I am competent enough to live a happy life. It is getting so bad that I'm not enjoying time with family anymore. I used to really enjoy that. I find myself spending more and more time either about to break down crying or crumbling into the fetal position. I guess for me (I don't know hwow to express this) but when I was seriously mentally ill I lived with my parents. No hope, no friends, no social skills, no job, no education, no chance for a better life. Then I recovered from my illness, and started college. In college I got an education, friends, social skills, hope and all that. But now college ended and I'm back with my parents. I just feel like I learned all these skills, and now its like they were totally worthless because I"m right back where I started. I don't know if I feel my growth and experience was a mirage, or if I miss it, or both. But I feel like a total failure again. I am considering just finding any job I can (assuming I can find any job) and moving out. Even if I live with 5 people in a 2 bedroom apt. I think it would be better for my self esteem than being back here. I can try to break into my field later I guess. Or try for a M.S. degree sometime. Now I worry that my feelings of being defeated and conquered will make me not employable. So it is a damn vicious cycle. I would say about 90% of my mental stress comes from being back home with my parents and being unemployed. As I learn to deal with these I will improve. But I don't know how long that'll take. If/when I find a good job, move to another town, and set up a social life there I think my suicidal ideation will go into remission again. I just need to figure out a plan to achieve that. Again, my life has been odd and things affect me differently. I just cannot handle all of this alone anymore.