I feel crazy (trigger warning: abuse, suicide, rape)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jsant, Jun 27, 2013.

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  1. jsant

    jsant New Member

    I understand that my ex needs his space. I understand that my friends do not want to deal with my problems for me. I understand that I need to help myself, I really do, and that's why I joined this forum, to help myself. But, I do not need somebody to tell me that they want me in their life, and then proceed to attempt to erase my existence. That only amplifies the urge to erase my own existence. The urge to completely erase all of the pain I have. The pain of being sexually assaulted three times in my life, the pain of going through an abusive relationship, and the pain of losing another lover.
    These past two weeks have been Hell. My boyfriend left me, my mother told me my problems weren't real when I told her about my concern for my well being. She told me to suck it up, get over it, when I told her I felt suicidal. I was then raped the following Sunday at a party, and then victim blamed/slut shamed the following morning. That was my breaking point.

    A person can only take so much before they break. Do not tell me I am strong, for I am weak. I have no capability of happiness any longer. Whatever is left in my heart, is unusable, for it has been damaged beyond repair. You may be there for me, you may tell me that I’m not alone, and people really do care, but only I have the ability to believe that they do, and I shan't do that any longer. The emotional turmoil I have suffered, these painstakingly long and treacherous eighteen years of life I have lived, have simply destroyed me. My soul is trapped in the cage of my corpse, and I need to release it. Madness has scalded my throat and misery has scorched my stomach, leaving me unable to consume emotions. Anxiety has eroded my teeth, and frustration has gnawed at my vocal chords, making my voice unusable. My lungs are coated in the mucus of regret, preventing me from breathing. My heart is ridden with tumors of heartache and abuse. My blood cells are clotted with anger. My muscles are exhausted from having to carry the burden of my existence. My spine is slowly disintegrating, under the pressure of perfection. My brain is drowning in the fluids of doubt and fear, and is damaged beyond repair.
    My soul is trapped in the rotting corpse, and it needs out.
     
  2. st_91

    st_91 Active Member

    HI hun, i know what it's like.
    I have also been raped and abused etc.
    You are not alone in feeling like this.

    I have been in such despair most of my life and I'm only 21.
    I also feel like a burden, but you have to hope that someone will come along and save us in one way or another.

    Well that what hope right now anyway.

    I hope you find some clarity in your life that will get you through all this.
     
  3. jsant

    jsant New Member

    Thankyou, I hope it lets up soon. If it doesnt I have no idea what Im going to do.
     
  4. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    jsant - forgive me if I am wrong, but I am guessing that you like to write. (Poetry?)

    If so, do you find some comfort/release in expressing your feelings through the written word? You have a gift, and I hope you build upon that.

    Please keep posting on this site if you think it might help.
     
  5. Abanana

    Abanana Member

    The worst feeling is when you are in despair and confide in someone or break down, and your feelings are invalidated.

    I feel your pain. On a lot of fronts.
     
  6. myjade84

    myjade84 Member

    jsant, hang in there. Always remember God is watching us. He may put you on this situation but i'm sure He will help you soon. Reach out to Him and ask for His guidance. I have Bipolar disorder and there are times when i have this urge to jump over a building. Sometimes i lose hope to the point of hating God but i realized if i will hate him, then who will help me? With the help of some meds and supplements, my family and my new church, i am handling my illness well. I hope you can find ways too to make your situation better. If you are weak, then find the reasons why you have to be strong and to stay alive. Don't give up girl.
     
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