i feel dead inside

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bluebell, Aug 24, 2008.

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  1. bluebell

    bluebell New Member

    i am looking after my elderly mother,she really started to go downhill a year ago after my dad died.she is sofrail and poorly,in constant pain and crippled with arthritis and gets very confused and forgetful its impossible to have a conversation with her she even forgets my name.all she talks about is how ill she feels and how much she wants to die,every morning she begs me to give her an overdose of painkillers to take her out of her misery and is constantly crying..i cant tell you how badly i feel for her.i feel so guilty for not helping her overdose but theres no way i can face it. she is always turning on me because of course i have to ration her painkillers,i am so miserable ive had 14 months of this since i had to move in with her to look after her 24/7.of course i dont blame her i just wish i could cope with it better.my partner and soulmate died very suddenly 2 years ago and i am still grieving for him which doesnt help matters, i just feel so alone and depressed, i cant talk to anyone about how i feel. it may sound selfish going on about myself when my mum is in such a bad way but i just feel like i have died already.
     
  2. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    I have never been in that situation, but I can try and imagine how awful that must be. You are doing well by looking after her, is there any chance you get anyone else to help you? It sounds like it's too much pressure for you to do it on your own.

    We are all here to support you hun. :hug:
     
  3. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Well you're CERTAINLY not selfish. So you just can just nix that right now.

    I'm with Sizz. You need help. In the worst kind of way. 1) In caring for my mom; 2) In caring for yourself.

    I've been there, you know. My mom died of cancer when I was 17. SEVENTEEN. The length of torture? One Year (almost to the date).

    Where was Dad? He was an alcoholic. 'Nuff said.

    But I would come home from school everyday to a doped up, dying mother. When I look BACK, I see. I see that that boy (me) was one strong young man to survive it.

    Blue: You need help. And you have to ASK people; ask around.

    John
     
  4. Bagpuss18

    Bagpuss18 Well-Known Member

    Its not selfish honey. Its really difficult for you and its obviously affecting you really badly. Can you get a carer or maybe respite in to help? And remember that euthanasia or assisted suicide will get you in big trouble, ok? I know its hard to deal with a relative thats muddled and out of it etc; believe me, I know; but there's times when its not so bad and times when you just can't take it anymore.

    As for grieving for your partner - maybe you should try some bereavement counselling? You can't deal with this on your own. Not any of it.

    We're all always here for you on SF.

    My mum died of cancer when I was nine, my Nanny-Rose when I was twelve, and my Aunty Pam when I was sixteen. And my high school closest friend was killed when we were fourteen. So grief and bereavement is something I know a bit about. If you ever want to talk, PM me. I'm sure my MSN and email is on my SF profile, but if not PM me for it.

    mj

    x x x x
     
  5. bluebell

    bluebell New Member

    thanks for your kind words,i am not good at asking for help but i think you are right ,it is something i need to look into x
     
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