I use to be such a good person with a good set of morals, and loads of heart and respect to go around, but a misfit. very misunderstood. always rejected. by my parents, my peers, teachers.. friends.. People have always wronged me. All of this has made me so cold. So selfish, at times. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been a drug addict. I've been a cheater. I've stolen, I've lied. I wish I could go into detail, but it would take hours. To sum it up. I was doing fine, and I took so much from my ex that I have crashed. He makes me feel like such a terrible person, I'm not who I use to be, or who I then changed into.. I found who I was, for a good while. I couldn't deal with the pain he presented me with. We weren't dating the last 8 months, but we've been talking, making love, saying i love you's.. but hes always been so distant, i guess for his own personal reasons, due to the past with others.. I thought he wanted me to let go. I finally did. Then he wanted me back. He was ready to be real. It was too late. But I didn't want him to know I had been sleeping with a few others, to know that I had joined a nude/pornographic version of facebook to entertain and distract myself from reality. It was better than being on drugs. I became an alcoholic. I blacked out one night. We had a threesome, me and my friend. I don't even remember. Anyways, he found this all out after I blatantly lied when he asked if I was ever with anybody else. I never wanted it to be over. Lying felt right. It wasn't right. I hate myself when I get like this. It's always when I'm single. I can't stand being slightly, a *****. I can't stand being a liar. I can't stand the distractions that I need just to be happy when I'm not in love... and when I refuse to do drugs any more. I completely and utterly hate myself. Even if I do change, because I can, I want to, I will. I can't forget what I've done. I made him cry. on three separate occasions.. He doesn't cry. I can't believe I've hurt someone so much. After all that he put me through, he still did not deserve that. I'm so cold. How could I let myself become the people I hated, the people who made me hate life. I'm one of them, I can't stand it. I can't change what I have done. I hate myself.