I feel dead inside.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pandabear, Dec 5, 2010.

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  1. pandabear

    pandabear New Member

    I use to be such a good person with a good set of morals, and loads of heart and respect to go around, but a misfit. very misunderstood. always rejected. by my parents, my peers, teachers.. friends.. People have always wronged me.

    All of this has made me so cold. So selfish, at times. I don't know what's wrong with me.

    I've been a drug addict. I've been a cheater.
    I've stolen, I've lied.

    I wish I could go into detail, but it would take hours.
    To sum it up. I was doing fine, and I took so much from my ex that I have crashed. He makes me feel like such a terrible person, I'm not who I use to be, or who I then changed into.. I found who I was, for a good while.
    I couldn't deal with the pain he presented me with. We weren't dating the last 8 months, but we've been talking, making love, saying i love you's.. but hes always been so distant, i guess for his own personal reasons, due to the past with others..

    I thought he wanted me to let go. I finally did.

    Then he wanted me back. He was ready to be real.
    It was too late. But I didn't want him to know I had been sleeping with a few others, to know that I had joined a nude/pornographic version of facebook to entertain and distract myself from reality. It was better than being on drugs. I became an alcoholic.
    I blacked out one night. We had a threesome, me and my friend. I don't even remember.

    Anyways, he found this all out after I blatantly lied when he asked if I was ever with anybody else.
    I never wanted it to be over. Lying felt right. It wasn't right.

    I hate myself when I get like this. It's always when I'm single.

    I can't stand being slightly, a *****. I can't stand being a liar.
    I can't stand the distractions that I need just to be happy when I'm not in love... and when I refuse to do drugs any more.

    I completely and utterly hate myself. Even if I do change, because I can, I want to, I will.

    I can't forget what I've done. I made him cry. on three separate occasions.. He doesn't cry. I can't believe I've hurt someone so much.

    After all that he put me through, he still did not deserve that.
    I'm so cold. How could I let myself become the people I hated, the people who made me hate life. I'm one of them, I can't stand it. I can't change what I have done. I hate myself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 5, 2010
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You're not a bad person, you're just confused and I think you may be battling some demons that you won't admit to. I don't mean things like lying etc but things that have happened to you in the past. It's probably the 'people have wronged me' bit.
    I think that we've all done things that we're ashamed of. I've taken drugs in the past. I've lied and I've manipulated people and stolen. I didn't really know that I was doing a lot of it.
    You don't say how old you are but it takes a long time to mature into the person you really are and want to be. We don't suddenly become adults at the magic age of 18. We don't really become who we are until we hit our 40's.
    You're clearly a self aware and sensitive person. You know that you've hurt other people. This is a great beginning, you can build on that.
    You can become the person you want to be but it will take time. Its not going to happen overnight.
    You can't change the past but you can draw a line under it and you have to draw a line under it. You can't carry guilt around for ever more. It won't do anyone any good and you'll just hurt yourself further.
    Stop beating yourself up and start the healing process instead.
    You haven't done anything so bad that you can't be forgiven.
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi pandabear and welcome to SF. I think you're being too hard on yourself. Don't hate yourself hun. We all make mistakes. It's part of being human. :hug:
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