I feel dirty...

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by PaigehBabeh, Oct 27, 2014.

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  1. PaigehBabeh

    PaigehBabeh Member

    So, a few months ago I was out shopping and I met a man who was on a stall selling his artwork. There was an attraction, we both felt it and you could tell by the way we looked at one another but I was too shy to say anything, so he just gave me his business card with his name on and asked me to add him on Facebook. I really thought he was gorgeous and I was really attracted to his Caribbean accent too so of course when I left I added him. We got to chatting, we spoke all the time and we finally planned to meet up. I was so nervous but managed to hide my nerves and we had a lovely afternoon together (he even cooked for me). Then, we decided to watch a movie but because his sofa's aren't too comfortable or easy for cuddling we snuggled up (clothed) in his bed and watched our movie.

    After a little while he started to slowly move his hand up my body and touch me, I stopped him and said no but he carried on. I don't really want to explain the details, but you just need to know that I said no, over and over until I realised that this was inevitable, so I just kept quiet while screaming inside. I'm not going to pretend that we never spoke about sex, because we sometimes did and we exchanged pics, but I made it so clear that I'd only do it when I was comfortable. Now, I can't possibly tell anyone that knows me about this, because after this time I went back to see him. I was so stupid, but I now know he played mind games with me, he preyed on my weaknesses and made me think he really cared, when he only wanted sex... Any way he could. And I believed I had asked for it, so in my mind he was a sweet man. Something that makes this worse for me, is that he did not use a condom... I am so, so scared that I have contracted something, and in myself I do not feel the same down there. I don't know whether it is because it was forced or not. I just feel so lost. Going to the clinic alone is a no no because of my anxiety, and I can't tell anyone about it, but I know I need to be checked out. I just feel so pathetic and dirty.
  2. sarahg7

    sarahg7 Member

    First thing first you are most definitely not pathetic, you were taken advantage of, the only pathetic party here is the man that did it.
    From how it reads you didn't give consent. The only sure way of consent is using the word yes, whereas you said no. (repetitive apologies)
    Are you 100% on not telling any friends in order to have support there? I mean you don't even have to tell them all you'd need to mention is that there's something up
    I'm not sure if its provided by all hospital services but could you go to Er? If you chose to press charges could you go to a garda station I think they may bring you to get checked out if that's any help at all?
    I hope you get to a clinic somehow, to get checked out for your peace of mind.
    Take care.
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Go to the hospital they will give you Meds.

    No means no, it's not too late just get yourself to a hospital and explain what happened.
  4. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    These are normal reactions with regard to what you've endured. Most of us that have been abuse sexually feel dirty. It could take a while to come to terms with what you went through, but you can get better, just don't give up on YOURSELF.

    Even if you did exchange pics and talk about sex, you did NOT welcome this abuse.

    You should certainly get checked out and get help, its never too late to recover from this.

    Best Wishes on you recovery.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi hun,

    He in my eyes is a predator, in your words he preyed on my weakness ...he did hun :( I think in my mind what is bothering you the most in feeling dirty is ''you went back to him'' that does not in any way lessen what he did. He preyed on a vulnerable girl/woman.

    How old are you? I can only speak for myself but I could only move forward when I spoke about it, shared it, opened up. Keeping it to yourself will bring you down and down... talk here at least that is a start.

    Just know you are not at fault here and you can talk freely, no-one here is going to judge you. hugs :)
  6. welplayed

    welplayed Member

    You're not pathetic sweetie, being a man myself i can say that some men are very insensitive-manipulate-pricks, you said no and he continued anyway, he forced you, as a victim of child rape i can tell you that i feel what you feel, just make sure to go to the hospital and check yourself up and tell everything that happened, those people there will want to help you, don't keep it to yourself, do tell. If you need someone to talk to, let me know.. I know i'm man but i experienced it, and i got over it(kinda.). I waited a long time until i told someone and for the time i didn't tell, i couldn't sleep, i couldn't be cheered up, i couldn't trust new friends even if i had them in my life for over a year. Now that i have told people about it i'm feeling a lot better, i'm 22 now and it happened when i was about 14, don't wait so long as i did and do it now sweetie.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am so glad you out it got of you, I know how incredibly hard it is, well done and I am glad you are feeling a lot better, that is really great! You're an inspiration. I hope that the evil monster who did this to you is behind bars or is suffering in his mind.
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