I feel done

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by solarflare, Nov 16, 2015.

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  1. solarflare

    solarflare Well-Known Member

    I had two things I was waiting for, two things I set in my mind as a guage to know if it was time to end this struggle.

    The first happened about a month ago when my wife had a miscarriage.

    The second happened today.

    I have been on antidepressants for about 5 weeks so my feelings are not as strong but from an intellectual level I know this is it, it is time to quit. Beleive me if the feelings were strong I wouldnt be here typing this, the medications see to it that the feelings stay under a certain threshold.

    But like I said, I feel like it is over, I am never going to win at this thing called life and never going to experience this enigma called happiness. There is only so much suffering someone can take and I've just spilled over. The meds keep me alive now but I really dont want to exist anymore. I dont want to feel, I dont want to fight, I'm done.

    There still is a very small spark in me not wanting to die, for things to get better. Does anyone have any magical words to ignite this? To make me feel better? To make these feelings go away? To make me look forward to the future with hope instead of dreading every breath of every day? To make me not look forward to the times when I am asleep because they seem to be the only times I am happy? Anyone?
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi. I'm sorry your wife had a miscarriage and I'm sorry there is something else that is making you feel badly. If someone kills him/herself, life cannot possibly offer anything better to them - they are already gone.

    Five weeks into meds is enough time to get some help from them - some help in blunting the nasty feelings. Now that they're beginning to work on that level, perhaps you could start really getting to the heart of issues with your doctor/therapist. That is how we begin to review the feelings and how they overwhelm us. It's learning to identify and change the feelings and thought processes that usually helps us find a more steady path. Meds will assist in the physical brain chemistry stuff. We need to work on how we react to life's ups and downs - our feelings, what we think the ups and downs mean, how to make things better in the moment, how to work on long-term hopes and goals. You have already taken some very brave and big steps: seeing a doctor and starting meds; reaching out here; "holding on" in the heat of whatever happened to trigger you last night.

    No one can promise you that all of life becomes a breeze. Everyone has various challenges. What we can do is learn how to manage our feelings and reactions/actions so that those don't run our show - so that we act instead with assurance, grace, graciousness, firmness - even in the face of difficult times. You have survived the first very difficult steps - if you succumbed to suicide now, I would be very sad...for you and because we wouldn't have you around anymore. So much that is good is possible. I hope you give yourself a chance to find and have good things.

    And if you wish, talk to us about the other issue that tipped you into darkness. Perhaps in our collective experiences, members here will have some comfort and insight to offer about something similar.

    Please stay safe. We care about you. I care about you, solarflare! *hug*
     
  3. solarflare

    solarflare Well-Known Member

    Nobody cares about anybody in this world all everybody cares about is themselves. That includes therapists who are only in it to make money out of my misery, thats why I wont go to them. It includes everyone. Nobody cares. And why should they. Who am I, just another idiot, there's 7 billion more where I came from.
     
  4. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    SolarFlare, I am sorry I do not have any magic words, I really don't believe they exist, but you are happy when you are asleep? I wish I was, most of the time, I cannot feel or sense anything, It is like I am gone, a zip, Zero,Nothing, just emptiness, except when I spend time on here! Then I become alive I have a sense of purpose, a feeling of well being, I feeling that I am contributing something, I feel I am making just a little bit of a difference, I can not measure it, a lot of times I only speak to people just one time! I never see or hear from them again.

    I do wish I had some magic words, I would give them to everyone here, then I could lay down and not have to get up, it would be so easy, would or could you help? Ah! I see that you are working from an intellectual level
    and you feel it is time to quit? You don't feel you can win? Everyone's life is a struggle, that is what it is all about! No one gets out of this world alive that I know of, I am sorry that you are hurting! I am sorry that you are suffering, I am sorry to tell you, I am as well, I don't know why i do, it is my lot in life I guess, I have given up several times, I have been pronounced dead on 2 occasions, How do you think I felt! I am not kidding!
    Try breathing in Hydrogen Sulfide! I was in 1200 ppm I am not sure the exact numbers but I believe 100ppm will kill rats! so I was so out of it, it happened in 1988 in Maine.I was the first of 7 to go down from it, I was the last victim taken out of the Scene I was 5 Stories up from the ground, i suffered 3 broken ribs! from the CPR. I hope that Spark inside of you can be reignited. I would hate to have it go out forever, every life is precious, every life has a meaning, yours as well as any one else on this earth, I am sorry for the loss that you and most especially your wife have suffered, I have never suffered that loss, Please do not put your wife through that again, especially so soon after her most recent one! I could not even begin to imagine what her pain would be! We are here for you, I do not know what we can do, I have read what you have had to say
    please remember we are here to support and help, you have asked Please do not give up that most precious
    of gifts that you have been given, Once you do it, there is no coming back, no 2nd chance, no do over it is final! Please decide to stay and fight for what you Have!
     
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    solarflare, there are people here who care. You are another person, another human being, and even though we haven't met face to face, I know that you're hurting, and I'm concerned about you.

    I know it's hard sometimes to feel that we're being heard and cared about - perhaps hardest of all when we are "paying someone to listen to us." I suspect that no matter how much a therapist is paid, s/he has to have a certain level of caring and compassion to begin with or s/he wouldn't have chosen the career. A selfish, indifferent, uncaring person cannot "fake" listening to others...People like that don't give ten seconds for other people. Therapists do care enough to listen, and they get paid because they bring understanding, knowledge, and insight about the workings of the mind and human relationships to the table. Therapy doesn't work in a couple of sessions, it takes some time.

    All that said, it can certainly feel at times that we're not being heard or that we're not getting the response we hoped for. Maybe you could explain what has happened to make you feel that therapists don't really care and are only doing it for the money? Maybe someone has had a similar experience and can give their take on things.

    And again, there are people here who care about you - including me. Please, be safe. There are life-affirming, constructive things to try. Suicide is very final and doesn't offer the option of things getting better. I think you deserve a chance at having things get better. *hug*
     
  6. solarflare

    solarflare Well-Known Member

    What if I was convinced things would never get better from this point? How is suicide a bad alternative to a lifetime of resentments regrets heartaches and suffering?
     
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    The biggest problem with suicidal folks feeling "convinced" nothing will get better is that depression and other mental health challenges make one's brain "unwell" - unable to function rationally, the way it normally would. A depressed person's brain tends to see only negative possibilities and will go to great lengths to discount positive possibilities. It's part of what is so nasty about depression (and dangerous because it can make a person feel suicidal).

    Everyone's life has a mix of good and bad. Suicide is not a sound solution because anything good that might be coming along is absolutely NOT going to come along if one is dead. I know you feel really badly right now, and still, please don't let depression make this kind of life and death decision for you. Why let depression run the show when depression tells us lies about life and our potential for happiness?

    I sense there is much more to you than just depression - intelligence, caring, determination, courage. Those are all part of you. I hope you'll stay safe and strong. Keep posting so we can offer you support. *hug*
     
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