I feel empty, fake and I need to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SunFlower, Aug 9, 2009.

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  1. SunFlower

    SunFlower Member

    I didn't really know whether to post or where to post this, but theres alot in my head right now that i just wanted to write down . . .

    So here it is . . . To put it in the simplest terms -

    I feel like its over, at least I want it to be soon, through months of me thinking that I couldn't be honest with counsellors etc, I finally was.
    Maybe I was expecting for everything to be better once it was all out in the open (which was daft of me) and its not better. Everything has just gotten 10 times harder.

    I can't deal with how i'm feeling, everything feels unreal and like it could fall to pieces at any second, and then i'll just be stuck alone with my thoughts and feelings. I don't want to be alone, yet I am - My mates have gone and i'm left with no one (again)

    I'm tired of trying to change,
    In some ways its like I don't want to feel better, like I want some reason to end everything because I know even if I do feel better for abit these feelings will never leave, but at the same time I would like to carry on living.
    I don't want to upset my family although I know me dying might do. But I've already caused them so much pain. And I know I'll carry on upsetting them unless I end it (surely dying will only upset them once more and then they can move on and then they can be happy or happier.)

    I already feel dead, empty and fake inside, now I need to die, I need this nothing-ness to end.

    I'm sorry for writing, and I'm not looking for people to tell me not to do it . . .
    I just need to get it out.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are writing getting all thoughts out of your head
    No your family will not be happier they will suffer for the rest of their life.
    they will blame themselves for the rest of their life
    Can you call you councillor let her or him know how you are feeling after the session. I know after my sessions i feel worse because emotions are brought to the surface more It is up to your therapist to help you deal with these emotions these wounds now. Call and see if another appt can be made.
    REMEMBER YOU ALWAYS HAVE US HERE to talk too to get you throught rough times. Maybe talk to you doctor about changing your medication okay because it seems your meds got you on no feeling mode or i call it dead mode because you feel you are not alive. Let us know how it goes okay and pm me anytime the fight is worth it they say and you are young you have so much time to improve and get better .
  3. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug: here for you hun :heart: xx
  4. SunFlower

    SunFlower Member

    Thank you for your replies,
    I just don't think its going to get any better. I'm stuck.

    Me and my family are already so distant, i'm just the person to be disappointed in. I'm not like them, and i'm not who they want me to be.
    They deserve to be happy and they never will be with me around.

    I probably dont deserve to be on here either, I never help anyone, I really wish I could of though.

    Anyway, Im going to get everything sorted in the next couple of days, I can't do it anymore, it has to end - I dont even feel like I have a choice.
  5. __Rawr.Tigga

    __Rawr.Tigga Well-Known Member

    You're family will suffer. They may eventaully "move on", but they will always remember you, and how they didn't notice you struggle, and how they didn't help you enough to stop you.

    Just try a little bit longer yeh hun? Stick around for a bit more, talk to us when i get's hard aswell. We'll do what we can to help :hug:
  6. emptyinside08

    emptyinside08 Member

    seriously i don't think your family is as much disappointed in you as they are in themselves. i think it comes off that they are disappointed in you but really they are just disappointed that they have not found a way to reach out to you. if you end it they will be burdened with the hole in their hearts of where you used to be. your family loves you although it may not always show. they want you to be happy just haven't figured out how to make you know
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