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I feel empty

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lsajw1, Sep 27, 2008.

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  1. lsajw1

    lsajw1 Member

    i just feel so num and empty. I've been in a psychiatric unit for postnatal depression and my husband has just told me that it's over. He's kept me hanging for the past 3 weeks and now I just feel likeI can't go on. I took 2 overdoses 3 weeks ago but failed. I know I won't fail a third time but I'm so terrified of dying. Of it being the wrong decision and then there being no going back. But on the other hand i don't know how to pick myself up again. i'll have nowhere to go and nobody to help me.

    Everything just seems so hopeless. Why has my retchid life been saved so many times. What is the point anymore?

    The best bit is that he wants me to go and live in a dingy little flat somewhere so we can sort ourselves out. In other ways he just wants me out of sight so he can forget that I ever existed. I just feel so worthless and alone.

    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 27, 2008
  2. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    i think your life has been saved so many times for a reason. you have a purpose. you should live. i know it seems hopeless right now, but nothing worth having comes easy. growing is hard. it doesnt sound like your husband is done with you or the relationship. he wants a bit of space and some time for you two to sort things out. that means he still wants to make it work. try to see the positive. it may not be pleasant, but through trials and tribulations we grow more. try to look at this as an oppertunity for positive change.

    i know its hard to feel alone, but i've found this is a great place for that. you can make real friendships that are sustaining and supportive when you are down. you can see here that you are not alone. there are others who are struggling too. its a great resource. stay here and get to know us, let us help you get through this hard time.

    i hope for the best with you and your husband. i think if you are willing to both work for it this time can be very helpful and healing. keep posting. and hold onto that fear of dying, its a natural instinct to keep you here. you are right, it would be a mistake. take everyday one step at a time and try to keep your chin up.
  3. lsajw1

    lsajw1 Member

    Thanks for replying. It means a that somebody, even a stranger, cares. I really don't want to die as I have 2 little girls who need me but unfortunately social services are involved and my erratic behaviour is at risk of emotionally harming the two of them. So I am torn between taking myself out of their lives to protect them from me and wanting so badly to be in their lives.

    i just can't help feeling that everybody would be so much better off without me around. I just cause misery and heartache everywhere I go.
  4. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    i know that feeling, but i also know that its never true. (doesn't stop me from feeling it, just keeps me in check when i do) the people i love have made it very clear that nothing would be better if i died. it would only cause a bunch more problems. especially since you are a mother, and a mother of young ones to boot. they need their mother. even if their mother is less then stable, its better then a dead one. ask any person here who's mother had mental health issues if they would have been better off if their mom had committed suicide... bet you won't find a single one who would have preferred to be without their mother. i know my mother is one of the biggest reasons i've never committed suicide myself. i need her and she needs me. thats a big deal.

    your girls need you and your husband is clearly trying to make things work. i know its hard on my husband dealing with my mood swings, my depression, my issues. i know my ex couldn't handle it. try to understand that this is hard for him too, but he's still trying. don't give up on your family. if you all keep trying, you can work miracles.

    hang in there
  5. lsajw1

    lsajw1 Member

    Your words are so kind b I don't feel like I deserve them. My 2 year old has been pretty much brought up by my husband and her grandma and my 4 month old is too young to know what's going on. I just love them so much a and the thought of fucking up theirs lives terrifies me, which is why Ihave to leave them. Before I do too much damage. I don't have much time left before it's too late.

    I'm a waste of space.
  6. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    no. wrong. error! error!

    youre not a waste of space. you are a mother, a daughter, a wife, and a good woman. you clearly care about your children dearly. think of what it would do to them to have thier mother commit suicide. think about the trauma that would cause. think about them not having you when they get their first period, when they start dating, when they are getting ready for their first dance, when they get married, when they are pregnant with their own children. girls need their mothers. their father and grandmother may be very good and caring people, but they cannot be the mother they need at those times. no one will ever be able to be the person they need at those times except you.

    i don't know what i'd do without my mother. she's struggled with depression since as far back as i can remember. for a while she rarely got out of bed. our house was always dark and the windows always closed. i worried about her. she'd spend hours crying and i'd cry for her. BUT I DON'T REGRET THOSE YEARS. I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER. and neither will your girls. a mother is something so irreplacable, so vital, especially in the lives of their daughters. there are few relationships so turbulent and beautiful as the mother/daughter relationship over the years, but even at the worst of times its beautiful in its way.

    as a daughter, i beg you for your girls.... protect them the best way you can: DON'T LEAVE THEM. they need you more then anyone else. let your husband be the rock in their life if you cannot, but be there. be you. love them and support them. help them be the best women they can be, and you may find they help you to be the best woman you can be too.
  7. effervescentpsyche

    effervescentpsyche Well-Known Member

    I think your daugthers would rather have you in their lives then to bury you. It'll be a very traumatizing exprience for them and that will hurt them more in the long run. You can piece yourself back together and then be involved in their lives again and you can just show them the meaning of true stregnth.
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi las. Don't end your life hun. Your daughters really need you even though you think they will be better off without you. I'm sure they would rather have you alive, with all of your faults, than not have you in their lives at all. Please don't give up. :hug:
  9. lsajw1

    lsajw1 Member

    Thanks for listening Mixing sleeping pills with aol is never a good idea atthe best of times! I can't say I'm feeling any more positive but my 2 year old has just come over and said "mummy sad" and then she wiped my tears away. That just broke me apart inside. She's soyoung yet she seems wise beyond her years.

    I just need to work on getting my head sorted out somehow.

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