I've never been good at expressing my feelings, so please bear with me. Lately I've been feeling very lonely and depressed. This isn't an entirely new thing though. I've felt like this for much of my life, just never so intensely and for such a long time. When I was young my parents divorced, and my mother was active in the military, so I usually went to a new school every couple of years or so. I am not good at making friends, so I was very lonely as a kid. I really don't remember much of my childhood, looking back it just seems like a blurry slideshow with brief sob scenes. But up until now I've dealt with that. We eventually stopped moving, and I found my social niche in my new school. I managed to function socially more or less. I've had my bad days, but the last (what was it?) 8 years since I've been in one place have mostly worked out for me. But recently I feel like I'm having a bad day. Only the next day is bad, and the next, and the next. I still don't have many friends, and the few that I do have I feel I am growing distant from. I feel insignificant; like no one sincerely cares about me (I don't even think I take myself seriously.) My mother and step-father come home and lock themselves in their room, and I do too. What else do I have to do? I occupy most of my time playing reading or playing video games. The only two people I think would miss me if I were gone are my two younger brothers. I feel so out of place and unwanted, and it hurts. I'm used to feeling depressed, but it is just getting to be too much to bear. Sometimes I feel happy, most times I feel sad. My emotions just feel so fake and random. Just thinking about myself can make me break down and cry, but looking at a stupid picture of a cat can make me laugh, then I go back to crying. Sometimes it all just seems so unreal and pointless. I can feel happy, sad, indifferent, whatever, and no one notices or cares about the difference. My grades have started to drop very sharply, mostly due to the fact that I have stopped caring about them. But only when my parents or teachers are inconvenienced do they bother to care, and even then they only ask "Why?" Satisfied with a simple (fake) answer they carry on. I feel so worthless. I don't have many useful skills. I see everyone picking colleges and getting ready do go out and do something of value with their lives, and I have no idea what I am going to do. My past, present, and future all look so bleak. People always say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but I honestly don't see how my life is going to change for the better. I think that the only reasons I am alive now are my brothers, and the river is too cold to die in just yet. I really don't know what to do, I feel so confused. Yet at the same time I really don't care. I turn 18 this summer, and the river will be a little warmer. I don't want to die, but at this point it's looking like a much better path than living the rest of my life like this. I'm going to die sometime, I know and accept that. But I am having trouble finding a reason to extend the cycle of my life beyond the 17 years it has been going on. Soon I'll move away, my brothers will grow up and move out as well, and I'll be alone. I just don't know why anymore. I don't know why I wrote all of that, but it feels nice to get these words outside of my head. Thanks for reading all of this.