i feel gross

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by LSD, Feb 27, 2010.

  1. LSD

    LSD Well-Known Member

    i just cant figured out why there are times when sex cant be out of my mind
    its like creepy
    i hated everything that happened back then but why i keep remember
    why i let people touch me even i dont want to .. why why why why
    why i regret things.. after done it... and its like weird idk
    my friend calls it autorape but..
    its like im a sex addict!!!!
    D: zomg.. im so gross

    im so dirty
    im so sick
     
  2. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    omg i cannot even begin to tell you how much i can relate to you. in a sad sort of way maybe i'm kind of glad that there is someone out there who i can relate to here.

    i wouldn't go so far as to of called myself a sex addict, but i was incredibly premiscuous when i was much younger though. i came to believe (no one pointed this out to me either) that as a result of what i had been through i had no respect for myself. after all obviously no one had respected me. i actually used to think that if that's all someone wanted from me then so be it.

    ever since the first time i was raped at five years old i have always felt gross. it still effects me to this day only to the capacity that when i take a shower i will only use my towel once then it goes in the dirty clothes. logically i know i'm clean, but no matter what i still feel dirty.

    five years ago i was raped for the last time. i had a child as the result. i had to give this child up in an open adoption for several reasons, but it was then that i totally and completely determined that first off it would never happen again. i'd kill the bastard first. secondly, although i never ever plan on having sex again i know that if i did find someone special to share that part of my life with it was going to be on my terms nothing less.

    i do not believe that i am a piece of meat for everyone else's enjoyment anymore. you can ask anyone who knows me i don't even like for them to talk like that around me. it repulses me honestly. i am very much aware that it is a natural part of life and that's ok. there's nothing wrong with that, but i would encourage you to build some guidelines for yourself and stick to them. it's your body and you have to live with the results. i encourage you to respect that. you deserve that.

    i'll stop with my rant now. i'm sorry for carrying on, but if you would ever like to talk more please most certainly feel free to pm me anytime. i would be glad to listen. please take care
     
  3. LSD

    LSD Well-Known Member

    its like a cool thing but at the same time a sad thing that we can relate to each other :p know what i mean?
    i was also abused/raped at a short age
    then again when i was 12 and when i was. mmm 19

    sorry it even ended with a baby and it was a totaly brave thing to even go throw the complete you know..born process ... its so admirable.. you are so brave and strong.

    and i wish i could .. idk have some more respect about my feelings and my body
    its not even pretty anyway..

    i guess i really need to.. say no when i really dont want to do anything
    .... i want.. i want to change in some way