i feel guilty but relieved.....i think
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Hey thanks for the replies.Sorry this thread wasnt very clearly written by really was it.Will try and explain a little better now perhaps.Sorry ive not added to the thread sooner but i think that i havbe been asleep and only just woken up.
Basically a few days ago i took the initial step in something that i know its potential consequences in a few days time perhaps may be something i feel guilty but also very relieved about.It is not the initial step which is the important one.It is the next step in the next couple of days [if it ever hurries up and comes] which potentially is that but the initial step is significant because i know now that i will not not manage to not do the second step in this process.i need it too much when it comes.i may live afterwards,i may not.But either way this will have a massive impact on my situation.
i feel guilty about swhat may happen but i also feel very relieved about what may happen..Guilty for the sake of other people.But very relieved for me.
Basically a few days ago i took the initial step in something that i know its potential consequences in a few days time perhaps may be something i feel guilty but also very relieved about.It is not the initial step which is the important one.It is the next step in the next couple of days [if it ever hurries up and comes] which potentially is that but the initial step is significant because i know now that i will not not manage to not do the second step in this process.i need it too much when it comes.i may live afterwards,i may not.But either way this will have a massive impact on my situation.
i feel guilty about swhat may happen but i also feel very relieved about what may happen..Guilty for the sake of other people.But very relieved for me.
i just need the second part of this part to come now.
Why are they making me wait??Do they think ive got all year to wait or something???Well i havent.
Sorry ignore me.i know what i mean.Just ranting i think.Sorry ignore this thread.Wont make sense to anyone else.Just to me!!Sorry.
Take care and best wishes
kath
Why are they making me wait??Do they think ive got all year to wait or something???Well i havent.
Sorry ignore me.i know what i mean.Just ranting i think.Sorry ignore this thread.Wont make sense to anyone else.Just to me!!Sorry.
Take care and best wishes
kath
Sorry.Please dont feel bad.im the one who should feel bad.And i do.i feel so so so angry and frustrated with myself right now Porcelain and everyone.But ironically that just makes me feel like hurting myself more and more and more and more.And what does it say about me if i cant be helped?i am so confused so muddled now.i just cant think straight.i just need the end.
i am just selfish and cant cope with being emotionally alone as i die.It isnt that i dont know that i need help.i do but that makes it harder to reach for not easier in my case.
Dont worry - if i die now it will only be because of the normal level of risk i am at not anything extra.The step i have already taken in the stuff i discuss in this thread is only an organisational one and it wont affect things right now.Only when it comes into my hands probably in a day or two and then and then i guess we will see what happens.What it may or may not do.
Hopefully it will help me.
i feel useless and im letting you all down.Dont tell m e im not cos i am.Posts like mine are no good for this site.
i am here cos i am selfish and cant cope with being emotionally alone as i die.But that isnt fair and i really shouldnt be here.
There are many you could help here Porcelain very very many.i do not deser5ve anyone trying to help me and especially not good people like you.
i just feel a need to cry right now but even that isnt ok.i must fight it.im sorry i have to stop writing a minute.
i dont know what to do.
And i am so worried about some of the people around me too.i wanted to manage to spare them my suicide but i also just so so need to die.i am failing to spare them.im doing no good.Why cant i just be normal and want to live?Why do i just always need to die?Why......just why??Why
i am just selfish and cant cope with being emotionally alone as i die.It isnt that i dont know that i need help.i do but that makes it harder to reach for not easier in my case.
Dont worry - if i die now it will only be because of the normal level of risk i am at not anything extra.The step i have already taken in the stuff i discuss in this thread is only an organisational one and it wont affect things right now.Only when it comes into my hands probably in a day or two and then and then i guess we will see what happens.What it may or may not do.
Hopefully it will help me.
i feel useless and im letting you all down.Dont tell m e im not cos i am.Posts like mine are no good for this site.
i am here cos i am selfish and cant cope with being emotionally alone as i die.But that isnt fair and i really shouldnt be here.
There are many you could help here Porcelain very very many.i do not deser5ve anyone trying to help me and especially not good people like you.
i just feel a need to cry right now but even that isnt ok.i must fight it.im sorry i have to stop writing a minute.
i dont know what to do.
And i am so worried about some of the people around me too.i wanted to manage to spare them my suicide but i also just so so need to die.i am failing to spare them.im doing no good.Why cant i just be normal and want to live?Why do i just always need to die?Why......just why??Why
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I have felt that way... I am not doing the best right now so I don't have much good to say right now I am so for for that. But I would like you to know even though I can't give you too much direction right now I am here and will listen to you for the rest of your life if you'd like to talk about this and other things that are bothering you. Hang in there Kath, I love you loads. :hug: :hug: :hug:
You know the other day my psycharist who ive only ever spoken to twice - onece in July,once in December and dont know if i will see again as they will write if they think there is anything they feel they can do and i agree there isnt really - said something to me that got me thinking.He asked me what was the worst thing about feeling how i do.My answer is undoubtedly having people who are kind enough to want you to live and to encourage you to do so even when youve put them through so much but knowing that its now so unlikely you could ever make that happen,and give them their wish and not end up dead via suicide.Maybe my tolerance for physical pain etc is low so i feel it more than others and the physical pain is a lot [not more than i deservi though] but knowing i will probably never make that wish come true for those other people is probably almost certainly undoutedly the worst thing for me about how i am.
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