i feel helpless but give it a shot

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by udfkm, Jan 31, 2011.

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  1. udfkm

    udfkm New Member

    I don know what to do anymore.
    ive been depressed on and off for as long as i can remember and to understand where im at i need to explain from the beginning of my life. born with a lot of medical problems. learning disabilities. surgery's; two of which messed my appearance up. short stature and quiet always getting pushed around. i was a helpless follower for the longest time. and never understood that what i had wasnt friendship. my parents dont have a stable relationship. my mother is on the verge of crazy (mid life crisis. mentally abusive. empty-nesting in a full house. cheated on my dad...just family life is shitty)
    i started smoking pot daily with a group of boys. they originally had me around to use for rides and money but it turned ino more after i was around putting up with thier bs. it turned into me doing other drugs with these boys going in and out of depressed states that they did and did not help with. ive made attempts on myself last year but as you see im still here.
    this summer i went to my girls bf house for a get together. i was hurt. how i reacted after was so incredibly incorrect. i lost two of my best friends with a terrible situation as is and it put me in a horrible spot depression wise; but i got threw it somehow. i now don talk to my fwb because things werent the same and he couldn handle me getting attached so i was dumped on my ass a 3rd time and it has me down. i sold my horse and my doing that was prety much me giving up on myself. i cant ake my own advice when it comes to self improvement. ive been suck in the same spo for 3 years. i keep messing up at my new job. im always tired. i don care about much. im constantly venting to my friends and i know its old. i still can be sure if i have friends because of how they talk to me sometimes and how low class i let myself get. i never imagined life to be like this. i hate almost everything about me and ive been self destructing alot. i want to let go of everything because ive been holding on for other people. i see no future with them or a future for myself; my anxiety wont allow clear pictures. im just lost
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are lost so lost in you substance abuse in your depression you need help to get you out of that mess you are in. time to go get some help okay go into detox get off all the drugs get on some antidepressants and get feeling better about yourself with therapy You hate where you are time to leave that space and head to a better one. it only takes one step in the right direction okay take it now reach out to anyone and get help.
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    it's easy to find bad friends who just use you. it's really wrong, but people do that anyway

    maybe you can dump the bad friends

    what is fwb?

    you have a daughter?
  4. udfkm

    udfkm New Member

    my subsance abuse is down to just smoking pot; he pills just remind me of how far ive let myself slip so ive had an easier time staying away than expected. i can get away from smoking because every person i know does it; kind of sad right? it also does help me forget. . my friends were really mean to me a few years ago but chilled out and thats why i still call them friends; i cant get fully out of he circle even though im further on the outs with them than i ever was . im not on speaking terms with the one whos like a leader yet he finds ways to ge a hold of me just to insult.; at first it impowered me; now i know hes right with most of the things he says;
    i do need help but shrinks don help; not one bit ive been threw 3 offices and i cant be honest with them. i cant turn to my parents. or brother. im alone. or as alone as one can get with company.
    and fwb is friends with benifits; no daughters.

    i feel too weak for this life. i don wan to ask anyone for help ive just been suffering; the help ive been asking for is disguised by annoying bitching/complaining and no one wants to here it. i wanted to die last night; got high and chilled out a little. but now that the pots gone everything is overwelming; if people were not at my house i dont know the physical state id be in.
  5. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF, please give non smoking a try, you will be amazed at how differant you will feel.

    As for everyone smoking it, I know all about that, it gives you something to do with others and all that, but there are alot of people that dont smoke you just havent met them because you are a smoker, we try to hide from them, lol.

    Im on day 8 of not smoking and to tell you with complete honesty I would have taken my life just 8 days ago, if I didnt make this move forward to help myself.

    Im here if you ever want to talk.
  6. udfkm

    udfkm New Member

    i know that there are people that dont smoke but i lost contact with every straighedge person i used o know; i qui several times before and the only things i felt were my health slightly improved. sleep was awful. lonliness was my main feeling and alot of manic states. every person in my house smokes. all thier friends smoke. i can hang with hem and not smoke but is annoying and i dont smoke like i used too so its more balanced than before; no one will ever make me fully quit.

    and i dont want to continue pushing myself forward anymore. life has always been a struggle and i dont see how the future will be any differnt. these thoughts, the things ive done/said to people. i want o take everything back and just fall off the face of the earth. the only thing that migh help is moving. finding stabiliy. but i don have the money motivation. knowlage to do so; leading me right back to where i am. where i feel like im always going to be.
  7. udfkm

    udfkm New Member

    my last post was before i had spoken with my abusive mother. my parents were gone for like 10 days came back monday and i just talked to her for the first time today and she is breaking me little by little. a friend really helped yesterday with how i was feeling but it feels like everything he said feels so distant and like there is new false edge to it. im scared for the rest of my day. i feel as though i might be pushed to the edge and quit my job. im scared for when i come home from work tonight; everyone is bound to be asleep. i feel like ive slipped too low this time. im going to need to talk to someone later
  8. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Let me say life is super hard, no matter how hard you think you trying there is always a little more you can do. Dig down deep, I think you can think of things to try. Dont want to, well you have to pick do you want to continue living this way or do you want to do everything in your power to change your situation.

    Can I ask how old are you? Ever thought of the military? Im asking because you say you want to move, well they def will move you again and again and again. Not that you will get away from the drug scene but you will be able to meet tons who choose not to do them.

    I know all about living around people that do drugs, I grew up in a family that was/is infested with them, hell my mom was giving me xanax at 9-10 for headaches. Ive also smoked with my mom, now her drug of choice is oxys. Will you be able to fight the urge if the drug of choice changes in your house? Sometimes the people that are supose to show you and teach you how to live are the ones that hurt you the most.

    You may be like me and have to teach yourself what life is all about, believe me its not sitting around smoking, hanging. There is soooooo much out here for you. I promise that if you gave yourself a chance you could do some great things in life. Just give yourself that chance.

    PM anytime you need to talk, hope today has been better.
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