This week I went to my doctors and I went because I needed to have a follow up test on something but I asked him what he was testing me for and he told me and I got scared. So now I think I have what he was testing me for. Although he told me he didn't think I had it he was just doing it routinely Im not going to get the results until thursday. I get ruminating thoughts that make me feel like dying and I act impulsiviely on them but sometimes I don't want to and I do but don't reach out for help because Im scared of going to the hospital. Sorry if Im rambling but I feel like doing something right now and Im trying not to and I know if I do then I won't seek help.