I feel horrible...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Silent Angel, Jan 13, 2010.

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  1. Silent Angel

    Silent Angel Well-Known Member

    Alright, this is my first time I've made a thread, other than the intro forum.

    Lately I've been feeling really suicidal. The feelings are coming back and hitting harder than before. I used to be able to cut to get rid of them, but I haven't cut in almost 7 months. I don't know what to do. All I do is sit in bed and think of dying.

    Now this feels stupid to say, but it's like, I know I won't kill myself, but I really really want to. It's hard to explain :/ I just feel so worthless and useless and so alone..
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2010
  2. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way. I don't imagine that I will kill myself, but I have thought about it daily for the past 6 months. I'm glad that you have stopped cutting, <Edit: Requested>. I don't have much else to say except that I feel your pain, and that you are not alone in your feelings.

    Welcome to the forums.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 16, 2010
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to SF!

    I am sorry that you are feeling so down right now but am so very glad you have not cut..that is really awesome and takes a lot of strength I know I used to cut/burn a lot.

    As far as feeling alone has being here on SF helped at all? Has it been a comfort to see there are so many others that struggle as you do? Have you met anyone or anyone reached out to you that you feel you can especially relate to? I know it is all via on line here but we all really do understand and having someone that truly understands you and accepts you for who you are can make one feel less lonely for sure.

    As far as feeling useless and worthless why do you say that? Those are stuff feelings to be struggling with for sure but often times our sadness and/or pain obscures or perception on life and reality. We end up feeling bad about ourselves when really we are just being too tough on ourselves, something that we all around seem to do.

    Well I am glad you posted as holding things inside is never good and just fester out of control. I hope you feel less alone now that you have SF and all of us. And as far as worthless and useless please be gentle with yourself and realize you are a good person going through a difficult time and doing you best.

    Please continue to post, we are listening.

    Hugs Bambi
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Emma,
    I'm sorry you are going thru such hard times.. I can well relate to you sitting in bed wishing it would all just end.. I spent the first fourteen years of my isolating lying in bed just staring at the ceiling wishing that I would just die.. Well it never happened obviously..
    Then I bought a computer and found the forum on it.. Since I have been here the members have saved me three times when I hit an all time low.. I just want you to know you have a new family here and we will listen to you..
    Are you in therapy?? I have found that therapy helps more than shrinks or any medicine.. You are able to lay it all out and work on one thing at a time..
    Please keep talking to us... Let us help support you..Take Care!!
  5. Silent Angel

    Silent Angel Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone for everything.

    I still have yet to get to know people on here, which I am kind of slow at doing 'cause I don't know how to. But once I do, I hope it'll be easier for me to reach out. As far as feeling worthless and useless, I feel I am because I've been told many times that I am by my parents and family. At first I didn't believe it, but now I'm really starting to.

    I'm in therapy, but I've only seen my therapist twice since october because we are kind of low on money. I've had bad experiences with therapists. My first one was very opinionated, and I ended up not being able to trust her. I have trust issues already, and I told her that, but she just made it harder for me to even talk about my day. I don't even really trust my new therapist. I don't know if I'll ever be able to.
  6. Silent Angel

    Silent Angel Well-Known Member

    I honestly need help. I'm trying to find someone to talk to and I can't. I really hate this. I just want to either end it all or slash the hell out of my arm. :/
  7. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    Ok firstly here YOU ARE IN AN UNSTABLE HOME ENVIRONMENT. Why? People do not make or even tell people they are worthless. Get yourself out of that abusive household.

    Not immediatley, but try to make it a goal, try focusing on what you can change.

    1) Do you work? Can you make income somehow to support yourself?
    2) When was the last time you had friends? What kinds of people do you enjoy being around? How do you think you could make friends?
    3) Read my other thread - "LIST THINGS TO DO OTHER THEN SUICIDE".

    Please elaborate more on your unhappiness, your problems, and how long you have had these thoughts.
  8. Silent Angel

    Silent Angel Well-Known Member

    I'm trying to get out. My parents are divorced, but its the same at both households.

    I'm looking for a job, filling out applications like no other, it's just hard because people are getting laid off because the holiday season is over and no one's hiring. I have friends, but I don't want to go to them for support. I have many, two friends that I can go to, but I don't want to make them feel like I'm annoying them with my problems. My other friends just have blabber mouths so I can't tell them anything.

    My feelings started going downhill when I was ten, when I started cutting, and then just decreased ever since then. The last time I had suicidal thoughts was a couple years ago, then they went away until last summer, now they're on and off.

    Okay, I'll go read your thread.
  9. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    How old are you now? If your a high school student in the usa you can't really get a job and strike out on your own.... (Of course theres emancipation but I'm assuming your out of high school?)

    Do you have an equal relationship with your parents? Do you prefer one over the other (even if you dislike them both)?

    I just need an idea of your financial and social needs. Have you considered college? Trade school? A certificate in medical something?

    Do you have any prior work experience? If your parents are miserable and unhappy as long as you stay in that environment it will rub off on you as well. Is moving out of your parents house not an option because you would feel lonley? Because 99% of all cities have people looking for roomates, (and it reduces the cost of your living expenses!).
  10. Silent Angel

    Silent Angel Well-Known Member

    I'm 16, and I've thought about emancipation but my mom always makes me feel so guily when I bring it up. She's always like 'Oh, so you wanna leave your family. Alright, you're life's sooo horrible, let's see if the court will believe that.' So, I try not to bring it up.

    I prefer my mom over my dad, but my dad isn't as nosey as my mom. Financial situations? Well... We don't have a lot of money, I have reduced prices for lunch at school, and we have to go to a local food pantry sometimes for food. I'm going to go to college either to become a psychologist or a musician, yeah, I still need to figure it out.

    I have prior work experience, but not with official jobs. I once worked at a farmers market, but I also volunteer every summer to work at a day camp with 9-10 year olds.
  11. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    I hope your mom has at least once talked to you about WHY you want to be emancipated. Clearly there are some problems here. I never considered being emancipated when I was 16, is there anyone else living in the house? Is your mom home all day with you? Does she work? Do you fight with your mom a lot?

    Your mom doesn't sound like an ideal parent, but very few are. Honestly I don't know much on the process of emancipation. But if you really are sure you want to get out of the house right now, then let me know. But its not easy, could you see yourself staying another 2 years?

    High school is a different reality then 95% of the people on this forum. High school is one of the most emotionally intense times of your life. It isn't easy. For the social rulers it is, but for some its very, very hard.

    Who do you sit with at lunch? What do you talk about? What do you dislike about school?

    Do you have any friends that play a sport? Would you consider joining one?
  12. Silent Angel

    Silent Angel Well-Known Member

    We fight all the time, even on the most stupid things. She doesn't work anymore cuz he got laid off. I hate when she bothers me about getting a job when she hasn't had one for a year. There's also my little brother, little sister, and stepdad living in the house. I probably can stand 2 more years.

    I sit with my friends at lunch. We usually talk about guys, friends, school, all the normal stuff. What I don't like about school is how judgemental people are. It gets really annoying.

    I have some friends that play sports, but I'm more into music than anything.
  13. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    Your mom is laid off, shes at your house a lot more and you guys fight about everything. Oh, I know about that, I knows about dat. 4 years ago my dad was laid off from his job, he was home all the time. I'd talk bad about him but hes dead now, I won't go into that.

    Do you get along with your stepdad? How does he treat you?

    Does your mom know that you have cut in the past? Her reaction? (Did she send you to a therapist? / psychiatrist?)

    I don't want you to drag on for 2 more years, and just try to get by. You could end up like me and thats not good (I essentially did just that, I got by in high school, academically - kinda, but mostly socially)

    I think that joining a school activity or some way to get you out of the house for the majority of the time that your mom is home will reduce stress in and of itself. Your mom is unhappy, and she may take it out on you sometimes.

    Honestly your family sounds financially strapped.... A job at 16 is not unheard of... However if it is going to make you more stressed I would not consider it for you.... But there are a wide variety of jobs out there. You mentioned you work with kids in the summer. Do you know where your local YMCA is? This may sound stupid but literally just walk in and ask if they are hiring for any jobs. (Let me know if you want to get a job and I can give you need-to-know advice)

    Not all jobs are the same... I would reccomend taking private lessons for an instrument but you mentioned your parents are tight on cash... Which brings me back to the job thing....

    Right now its not about money though, its about what will make you happy? I think getting out of the house (and away from your mom) will help somewhat. Mabye that could include just hanging out at your friends house more then you do now...

    And kids are more then just judgmental. They are animals! (people too) My advice would just be to avoid not nice people and when someone is rude snap-back or just make a little "non-provoking" comment. It really depends on the situation.

    PM if you want.
  14. Silent Angel

    Silent Angel Well-Known Member

    Oh, I'm sorry abour your dad.

    I do not get along with my stepdad and I don't think I ever will. My mom found out how serious my cutting was during the summer, took me to the ER and had talk to a crisis worker cuz she thought I was suicidal, which I wasn't at that time. I stopped cutting cold turkey then, and I've seen about three different therapists since then.

    Hmm, I do live near a YMCA, maybe I'll check that out, thanks. I'm in band at school, I've been playing an instrument since 5th grade. I'm trying to get back into choir too.

    My parent's deal is this. If I get a job, they'll take me to get my license. I was able to get it in october. So, once I get my license, I'll be out of the house 24/7
  15. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    Thats awesome! Could you possibly baby-sit? The chances of the Y having a job at any one moment is slim... But you might want to keep trying... You know if theres other places that you might want work at just look around. The newspaper is the best.

    Grocery stores always want cashiers, BUT I don't think thats what you need, God knows working at a grocery store isn't a way to releive stress.. (Trust me I just know)
  16. Silent Angel

    Silent Angel Well-Known Member

    I could babysit, but for people I know. Otherwise it'll freak me out if I don't know the family. And yeah, I live near two major areas with stores, so I could possibly look there too.
  17. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    Keep in mind the national unemployment rate is very high. So its kinda hard to find a job. But you may be able to.

    How are you feeling now? Act proactivley, these bad thoughts will come back, try treating yourself while you good.
  18. Silent Angel

    Silent Angel Well-Known Member

    I feel.. ok. Maybe. Not as suicidal, but still want to slash the hell out if my arm. I'm trying to use music to calm me down.
  19. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    You need to change your daily routine. Focus on making a big change in your life.

    A change that:
    1) Reduces time with your mom.
    2) occupies yourself with somethat that you enjoy.

    Any ideas?
  20. Silent Angel

    Silent Angel Well-Known Member

    Oh, I try really hard to reduce my time with her, and everytime she feels like I go out too much, she'll make me stay home. So whenever I'm home I try to stay in my room.

    Umm, I enjoy hanging out with my friends, reading, singing, stuff like that..
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