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I feel I am at the end

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by unsure113, Apr 28, 2009.

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  1. unsure113

    unsure113 New Member

    I am in my mid 30s. I've been unemployed for 2.5 years now. Was laid off and never really was able to find another job. Partly because I was too depressed and partly because no one was really hiring in my field during these times. I graduated from college with a Computer science degree and worked as a software engineer. During the times where I actively looked for a job, all the serious leads I had backed out as the companies were beginning process of laying off.

    I've been living off my 401k and credit cards, but now the 401k is all gone and cc's are pretty much maxed. Its funny I didnt even buy anything, just mostly used it to pay the mortgage and bills. Looking back, I should have just let the house go a long time ago, but I guess I was too proud to admit it. I think by next month, my house will go into foreclosure process. I owe more on the mortgage than I can sell it for.

    So if I were to continue with my life, I will be facing losing my home (I'm ok with that), losing my car (it'll eventually get repossesd) and filing for chapter 7 bankruptcy (owe about 40k in CC debt). I think I can eventually recover from that, even though it will take me a long time.
    But I really do not want to work as a software engineer. That field I believe is pretty much dead and I cannot think of 1 happy day during the 10 years I worked in that field area. I want to change my career but I do not know to what. I thought about something in the medical field like pharmacy but I dont know if I am even good at that.

    But even though I am concerned about my financial and career situation, I feel that I don't want to live anymore because I messed things up with my (ex)girlfriend. I took her for granted and didnt treat her well. I didnt realize how much I love and missed her until she left. I think she really is the one for me but it is too late. We dated for about 2 to 4 years, most of which was a long distance relationshipe. Our relationship ended a couple of years ago. She has moved on. It kills me everyday to think about her, I really do miss her. I do not think I can recover from this.

    I know everybody will say I should meet another person. Since I am a shy and not very outgoin person, it is hard for me to meet people. All of the friends that I have known have either moved away or disappeared. For the last 2 years or so, I have spent mostly at my home. In a typical day, I might not even speak one word as there is no one to speak to. I would go out but I have no friends here in Arizona so its difficult.
    But really I do not want to meet another person, I honestly think she was the one for me, as some would say 'soulmate'. Knowing that you will never be able to speak, see or worse, knowing that the person who you love and miss the most hates you now, would you want to continue living?

    These thoughts I have been thinking about for more than a year. And in the last couple of months, i have been thinking about an exit plan.

    <Mod Edit: Abacus21 - methods>
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 28, 2009
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Why don't you apply for a government grant and go back to school. You would kill two birds with one stone.. You would get a degree in the feild you want and you would make new friends.. As far as your ex yes I think she is gone after it's been two years.. You should think about therapy also to help you get over her..Best of luck!!
  3. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Mistakes we make have a way of accumulating, but then everyone tells me not to dwell on the past, so ill repeat that advice :p The only way you stand a chance of getting over your ex is by meeting someone else. I think thats the honest truth. Going to university would be a great option for you, but i dont know how you would manage that given the financial situation. Honestly if you can do it...definately go ahead with it. Might take the first year to have some idea of what you want to do...an Arts degree is good for that, non specific, and some say a waste of time, but is it really if it helps narrow down the options? and your still learning....get good marks and it opens a lot of doors.

    Houses, cars, just the trimmings my friend. All of which can be gained again given a little bit of determination and financial planning. My advice? part-time Uni, part time work...meet friends, earn a few dollars in a job thats not gonna stress you out. You dont need that..use part of that money to starting seeing a psych/councillor. At least he or she will be someone to talk to.
  4. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    Try rinign a help line or maybe there are some books you can buy that will teach you skills so you do'nt have to pay for as many things.
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