I lost my job in 2007 because everyone at my job was calling me "gay" and f_g and all of that. I put up with that crap for a long time before I mentally couldn't block it out anymore and snapped. I snapped so hard the whole industrial building froze in silence as they watch me yell and shout at them on a 20 minute-or-so rant that left everyone scared and put me in the sup's office. After the sup took me to the HR room to be "councelled" I was told to go home. They investigated the situation for 5 days and no one admitted to calling me a "f_g" or saying negatve things about me. They all lied and so I was fired for misconduct. Thru-out my stint there I was suicidal and tried to one night kill myself by OD' ing on pain-relief pills. ALl it did was give me a stomach ache. Since then I have been thru a LOT. I'm 25. I have definitely been thru more hell this past year alone than I have in all 24 other years of my life combined. I don't have a single friend, I confronted the last two friends I had for calling me "gay" and lying about it. They continued to deny it and I walked out on our friendship. Now I am alone. A few months ago I was able to buy a gun - a very powerful 380 Caliber makarov pistol (I hope talking about weapons isn't against the rules). I sat in my room, or in my car, many times and couldn't go thru with it. I would be in so much pain. I am 25 and still live in my mom's home - I had to move back in after losing my job. I used to get angry with people and the way they look at me/talk about me, get angry and tear up my mom's home. There are still holes in the wall that need fixing. I got tired of destroying my parents' home - it's just not right. So that was another reason for me getting the gun. I told myself if I ever got that angry again I would just pull the trigger and end the pain. I think there are a couple of reasons I couldn't shoot myself (I sold the gun last month for gas money) - I think the main reason is the physical pain associated with firing a powerful bullet thru your brain. I think about how bad it's going to hurt because it can't be instant. But then I try to tell myslef : "No pain lasts forever" and STILL can't do it. The other thing stopping me is I love myself. I am ok with who I am. If I hated myself then it would be easier to do it. People do make me feel as if I hate myself, but in actuallity it is them I hate for being so nasty and judgmental. I am dissapointed in mankind. SO much that I don't want to live, I seriously feel like I should buy another gun and end it. But I want to take soemeone with me just to punish at least one person. I am experiencing these terrible thoughts and I can't control it and I also can't go see a doctor - I have no money for that.