I feel I must do it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by acitone, Aug 3, 2008.

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  1. acitone

    acitone New Member

    I lost my job in 2007 because everyone at my job was calling me "gay" and f_g and all of that. I put up with that crap for a long time before I mentally couldn't block it out anymore and snapped. I snapped so hard the whole industrial building froze in silence as they watch me yell and shout at them on a 20 minute-or-so rant that left everyone scared and put me in the sup's office. After the sup took me to the HR room to be "councelled" I was told to go home. They investigated the situation for 5 days and no one admitted to calling me a "f_g" or saying negatve things about me. They all lied and so I was fired for misconduct. Thru-out my stint there I was suicidal and tried to one night kill myself by OD' ing on pain-relief pills. ALl it did was give me a stomach ache. Since then I have been thru a LOT. I'm 25. I have definitely been thru more hell this past year alone than I have in all 24 other years of my life combined. I don't have a single friend, I confronted the last two friends I had for calling me "gay" and lying about it. They continued to deny it and I walked out on our friendship. Now I am alone. A few months ago I was able to buy a gun - a very powerful 380 Caliber makarov pistol (I hope talking about weapons isn't against the rules). I sat in my room, or in my car, many times and couldn't go thru with it. I would be in so much pain. I am 25 and still live in my mom's home - I had to move back in after losing my job. I used to get angry with people and the way they look at me/talk about me, get angry and tear up my mom's home. There are still holes in the wall that need fixing. I got tired of destroying my parents' home - it's just not right. So that was another reason for me getting the gun. I told myself if I ever got that angry again I would just pull the trigger and end the pain. I think there are a couple of reasons I couldn't shoot myself (I sold the gun last month for gas money) - I think the main reason is the physical pain associated with firing a powerful bullet thru your brain. I think about how bad it's going to hurt because it can't be instant. But then I try to tell myslef : "No pain lasts forever" and STILL can't do it. The other thing stopping me is I love myself. I am ok with who I am. If I hated myself then it would be easier to do it. People do make me feel as if I hate myself, but in actuallity it is them I hate for being so nasty and judgmental. I am dissapointed in mankind. SO much that I don't want to live, I seriously feel like I should buy another gun and end it. But I want to take soemeone with me just to punish at least one person. I am experiencing these terrible thoughts and I can't control it and I also can't go see a doctor - I have no money for that.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    sounds like you were bullied at work and i'm really sorry to read what you went through. counselling will def help you with your anger and these thoughts that are distressing you so much. most clinics will have a sliding scale and won't turn you away because you can't afford their services. please call around. it's amazing what you can achieve after several months with a good counsellor.

    almost forgot to say welcome! you will find this a very supportive community. i hope we can help you in this difficult time.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello acitone,
    Welcome to the forum! You say you have no friends, why don't you take some night courses, or volunteer somewhere. It will give you a fresh start at making friends, and they are probably more mature.
    I know how you feel being vitimized from others. Before I had my breakdown people would keep wanting to fight me. I was always bigger than others I knew. I have been literally punched in the face trying to get me to fight. I couldn't fight back because my dad told me if I get in fights I would get it even worst when I got home. I saw my dad beat the hell out of my brother with a billy club. My brother came after him with a big stick so my dad went inside and came out with his club. People always made fun of me growing up. I eventually joined the Marines and one week I came home on leave. I went around town looking for these people who kept hitting me. When I found them they all backed down because word had spred quickly that I was a Marine now. I couldn't find a single one of them who wanted to fight. Any how I made them look bad in front of there ladies.
    You know something this stuff happens in school, all you can do is just avoid them and get your education because you will need it nowadays. Be assured we won't make fun of you and who knows you might find a friend or two!!! Good Luck!!!
  4. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    You should see "He Was A Quiet Man" it sounds like you'd enjoy it. It's kind of sarcastic dark comedy on this man who snaps in an office building..
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi acitone. Sorry to hear that you lost your job because everyone was calling you a fag. I hate it when people assume that I'm gay, just because I'm slim built and don't currently have a girlfriend. You just have to learn to control your anger and not destroy your parent's home. There are better ways of dealing with people who piss you off, like exercising or making out a hit-list (lol). I'm 27 and I'm still a virgin, and that's ok. It doesn't mean that I'm a hopeless loser or anything. Some chicks get turned on hearing that you're a virgin. Just don't buy another gun, because that's an awful way to die. Your parents will be heartbroken when they see your lifeless body and your head blown off. You're still young and have a lot to live for. :hug:
  6. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Dear Acitone,
    Welcome to the forum.
    I can feel you desperation and your pain through your words, but there is something still left to cling on to. Maybe you can post a little more and let us know more about you and you can see that their is still alot left to live for.
    Im always here, if you need a friend.
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    It's pathetic how you got taken out of work just because everyone there couldn't admit to their bullying yet i'm sure they will all block that incident out and call themselves "good people". Sometimes you gotta wonder just how ugly people can get.

    Don't go through with ending your life just because of your situation and because those people never backed you up and admitted to the truth. It's not worth it. Your better then them.
  8. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    As mystic eyes said rise above the people and this situation...you are so much better than them, and you can't give them the satisfaction of knowing that they got to you.
    Just keep your chin up and keep trucking on hun. :hug:
  9. acitone

    acitone New Member

    How can I maintain a positive attitude when it is just me and i'm all alone?? I have heard MY OWN sliblings talking about me, calling me names and accusing me of being "gay". Life alone is not worth living, the feeling is getting stronger by the day and I haven't acquired enough money for another firearm, I really want to stop by the shooting range and rent one today - that is the one place, however, where people normally don't like to say awful things about me nor anyone for that matter because it's full of guns and ammo so it's serious, no one want to make that mistake.

    I don't really care about how my parents will feel about my passing. I feel like death is the only way for me, I just want to see better days but it's wishfull thinking considering the way people treat me. I have told my parents about my problems and everything - they act as if they don't care much. I personally don't think anyone is going to miss me and if they do, it is for their own selfish reasons. Goodbye.
  10. BioHomocide

    BioHomocide Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel.... and yeah I know that sounds like a cliche thing to say. Every ass in the world says it. But I can actually say I understand. Being told horrible things, being lied to, being harassed, being punished for nothing, being hated for no reason, be yelled at, being laughed at, being around a group of people who I can never understand. I have always gone though life waiting for things to change... but nothing happens. Another day will pass and it will be the same old things happening the same old ways.

    About people calling you gay that is probably because you might live by yourself or act a certain way. Most people expect a guy to want to get married and be with girls and yadda yadda yadda that just because the guy doesn't seem like all the other stereotypical straight guys he must be a ******. Some easy advice.... don't let fucked people make you feel fucked up. They have no right to tell you what you are or how to live your life.

    About everything else in life that is bringing you down......I can't really offer you any good advice. I hate telling others to do things I myself would never do. I hate hypocrites. I'll just say that you should do your best and be who you are no matter what. There will be a lot of lonely days and boring hours to be wasted. All you really can do is try try try! But even with trying you should never push yourself to hard. Don;t ever feel guilty for not being good enough or perfect, not everyone fits into cookie cutter shapes. Some of us have to settle to being that lump of leftover dough just sitting there. We have to watch all the other perfect cut outs be perfect and suffer. But you don;t have to suffer.... No one can tell you what happiness is, only you can define what makes you happy. Only you can define what matters and what is shit.
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