i feel im getting really close

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shock, Mar 15, 2010.

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  1. Shock

    Shock Well-Known Member

    Man, I have taken such a leap backwards. I havent been to SF in almost a year. Now with uni I am here every day. And I look at suicide stuff on the net almost everyday. Almost subconsciously I have gathered the necessary tools and methods. And almost subconsciously, I have almost arrived at the edge.

    I know why too. Its the pressure. Theres just too much expected of me. That I CANNOT do, and CANNOT avoid. If I could avoid it I would not be writing this. I simply do not have the energy or will power to be apart of this. I have had quite enough, and so has my body. I feel constantly sick from the pressure. I cannot eat well and my teeth hurt from grinding.

    Whats added mounting pressure is that people are starting to see this and are asking questions. More pressure - now I've got to think about covering it up everyday (thank god for anonymity here).

    I just cannot handle the stress and pressure and expectations anymore. I am truly surprised at how close I am.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Can you tell us what's causing all the pressure?
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Can you tell us about the pressures? What are they? Whho puts the pressure and expectation on you?
  4. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    So sorry to hear about this.
  5. Shock

    Shock Well-Known Member

    The pressures are from mostly uni, and my two jobs. Alas, I cannot just have one job as one of my jobs is strongly connected to the uni and doesnt pay. The other I need to earn a living.

    But i guess a thing that really bothers me is the expectations everyone, society as a whole, has on me. A way to describe how I am right now is perhaps suffering from extreme burn-out that is not relenting and is getting considerable worse (as I write this is day 2 without sleep or good food - because I literally do not have the time to solve these problems...really!).
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Ok. First off, does uni know you are struggling? If not, that's the first place to start. Do they have a student support department? I would suggest talking to them.

    Is there anyway you could cut the hours of the voluntary job connected to uni?

    What expectations is it that you feel are putting pressure on you?
  7. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    Our society is running out of money, gaining debt, wealth is being concentrated in too few hands, life is getting harder, and those who're not tough enough are being thrown out with the trash. That's the way it is son. Ok, so that's how I feel about it.

    Life being hard is supposed to make people strong and able. Just ignore the people that fail (they did it to themselves)...

    (and ignore that you might have had it easier, oh you know back before costs of education outpaced inflation)

    I know this is a touchy subject, but the gap between the rich and poor is not shrinking and the debt is not getting smaller.

    OK, how did that feel? Good. It's nice to rant. Maybe you should just rant about how unfair it all is. YOu'd be surprised how much that helps. Sometimes, when people come together, rant, and organize their efforts, they change the world for the better. I hope your life can relax some so you don't feel so overdone. I really do. What goes around comes around. If you're being pushed too much and this is a common trend, eventually society will get the signal and something can be worked out.

    Just last year I tried a cannery but couldn't keep going. Physically I was a wreck. I really needed some days off but it was a horrible arrangment and I couldn't even get that. So instead of filing an injury report I just quit. I was angry. I know people who have walked out in cannery work after the first day, but I'm not one of them. I take what I do seriously. I did my best, and I thought a lot about it before I left the building. I also had to deal with workers who didn't deserve a paycheck (i would have fired them had I been able to), but in the end, it was just too much and I made a choice that I still don't regret.

    I'm not telling you to quit, but you need to know what your limits are. Full-time school and some work experience AND some additional work for a paycheck is a lot to handle. Full-time school alone can easily eat up the time. Don't chew too much. But understand that taking the easy road gets you to nowhere fast. We learn best by doing new things and challenging ourselves.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2010
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