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I feel increasingly "a sexual"

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Lorax, Sep 23, 2013.

  1. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    I have had a bad past here. In addition i was raised strictly against any form of sexual contact (before marriage)

    For many years after going through puberty, i noticed i had no drive. I was interested in a relationship, but scared of my partner wanting more.

    I eventually (and recently) was in an intimate relationship. I was never completely comfortable. I had constant dissociative episodes, and sometimes even panic attacks.

    I feel that it was too much for us, looking back. I really should have been more open about it. I cared about her, but i simply wasn't ready to handle that kind of stress.

    I won't attack her, but she ended up cutting contact directly after such events.

    I just lost all faith that i can deal with it.
    I really can't cope with how it seems to be advertised everywhere either.

    I really have no drive to be sexually active, and have a hard time even being exposed to it.

    I'm not sure where/who to turn to. My friends just assume i'm joking. My family isn't too close to me now.

    I really have no clue how to cope, or tell anyone. I'm in a relationship now, but it's still early on. How do you tell someone you're dating that you refuse to be involved like that?
  2. utsu.ro

    utsu.ro Member

    There's nothing wrong with you. Or at least it's seriously not your fault. This 'asexuality' probably developed because of the pressure your family put on you as long as you can think, right? So it's natural that you would subconciously try to avoid it and even get some kind of phobia of such things. That's 'cause your mind automatically connects everything sexual to sth. bad. After all that's what you've been told since childhood.
    You should tell your girlfriend. She's going to understand it. If you don't tell her though she could think that you don't desire and love her. And that wouldn't end up too well. 'Cause you know females: We don't say what's wrong with us, we expect you to know :p
    other than that, you should just take it slowly. and i mean reaaal slowly. Like, try some small things and wait till you're comfortable with it. As soon as you feel a panic attack approaching -stop. Then try again with sth more harmless. If you work together with your gf this is going to work. It could as well be helpful for you to speak with your closest friends, people you can trust, about this. It would help you to subconciously realize that sex before marriage or in itself is nothing evil.
    To the question how to tell her or anyone in that matter...
    As some one who sucks at face-to-face communication i could at best tell you what helps me in such situations. I guess that's also a much to overused method but just go throgh the different scenarios in your head and think about what you'd like to tell her. I used to learn the lines on my paper before i contacted anyone. But at least in my case it helped.
    I don't know if any of what i've written here actually helps you but I wish you good luck anyways.
  3. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    Indeed having your number one role model preaching about it doesn't help.
    It also stems from childhood.. Abuse.

    That is a big fear, if i say nothing they assume i'm not interested. I just fear if i tell them, they will assume i'm just making excuses for that same reason.

    Alas, my friends are on the opposite end. I brought it up, but they just joked about it.

    Hopefully i won't have to make that talk soon. I plan to get in school soon, that will be a blast.. No sexual pressure in college right :eek: